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Bree Essrig
BF: This isn't working out anymore. You never take anything seriously. Me: *opens mouth & flips orange peel smile into orange peel frown*
My favorite comfort food is cuticles.
I threw a tiny glass elephant at Rhonda when she was sleeping. It missed and landed on the carpet unbroken. Some secrets are forever.
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i don't really like kids, but i respect them yknow as an artist
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no i cant hang out tonight i am busy... pic.twitter.com/3onmEsFNMc
when bae says calling him eleven times a day is too much i be like pic.twitter.com/3G8yZxJfXR
When bae eats the last chip, I be like pic.twitter.com/hNjnhxJ4ec
Just realized that I spend the majority of my life mumbling the word "sorry" and moving out of everyone's way.
when a group of cute boys are discussing literature and you want to subtly enter the conversation pic.twitter.com/5TameRuvNo
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hi i'm flannelbeard, and this is my girlfriend sundressbangs
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girls don't like boys girls like the way black looks with denim
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.@coffeeorrum talk about a #throwbackthursday! Thanks for the shout out! :)
We make up our own words... @chelseafrank @aarzi 💩
.@BarackObama Hey I know you have a lot on your plate right now but can you take the first R out of Sriracha?
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i think i'm go go, go go, go go, go gooooooooo. #tbt #squeeze
#bitchface #tbt
[Dr's Office] Dr: The test results came back. Bad news, I'm afraid. Me: Oh no... Dr: You've tested positive for being "That Guy"
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Keep your infants & small children away from my face right now. They could suffocate from playing with the bags under my eyes...
My future husband hates prunes!!! We may have to call off the wedding... #Constipation
Have you seen #FrankensteinMD yet?! You should, it's RAD! So proud of @Lons & @BrettRegister! youtube.com/watch?v=M4Xg_e…
👀❤️ @shannamalcolm
Random Older Guy: You'd look a lot prettier if you smiled. Me: *rips giant fart, smiles*
If you see someone wearing a blue blazer with khaki pants it's a secret sex code that means they love to eat poop
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Wanna know a secret? Underneath all these clothes, I'm completely naked...
The Hills Have Eyes. The Hills Have Near Perfect Vision. But sometimes they need reading glasses to see menus & shit.
*flirts with the encroaching fog*
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Every time someone favorites one of my tweets, I'm like "yo bish, you coulda moved that cursor a LITTLE more to the left..." #valiDATEme
Sorry I didn't text you back I was busy viewing our relationship as a task
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I recently lost one of my best friends from high school due to her naming a pinterest board "Yummy Zerts!".
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The caption was gonna be "bae caught us slippin", but my hand looks like a very serious vagina, so there's that. #VagHands @chelseafrank @aarzi 👌
A really ugly dinosaur is called A Sight-For-Sore-Eyes Rex. Hahahaha Love me? Please? :(
*shows up to set super high, scratching my arms and face because I'm a meth actor & I care a lot about my craft*
Good morning!
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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The password to THIS pillow fort is "C'mon inside, friend!" and you did not guess correctly. Now begone and take your tears with you, Kevin.
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someone get me a job as a baseball commentator after every fastball id say "mama mia thats a spicy baseball"
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Me: lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Erik 6:52 PM Me: evil*. autocorrect lol sorry 6:52 PM Me: amen 6:53PM God: k 3:01AM
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We are perrrrfect, perfect sisssssters! #tbt
This is deplorable & needs to end NOW! Fuck this! 4 unarmed black men have been killed by police in the last month. motherjones.com/politics/2014/…
.@SeaWorld "care for killer whales" means leaving them in their natural environment. Face it, you're mustache-twirling monsters. #FuckOff
We Met On Twitter: A Love Story or How I Fell In Love With Your Duck Jokes. written by Me (one day, if I'm lucky, fingers crossed!)
Stack bagels on your car antenna and lead a flock of seagulls down the highway.
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