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Bree Essrig
Don't ever put beer in your trendy BPA-free gym water bottle. It will DEFINITELY explode while you're running on the treadmill. That is all.
Cute couple...oh wait...
My one wish is to truly not give a fuck about anything or anyone. Hence why my favorite retailer is @UrbanOutfitters!!! THEY RAWK <3
Unsalted soft pretzel? Bitch please. No wait, I'll take it. Sorry mom.
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"Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?" *sigh* "Because you don't b-" "BECAUSE WE DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU"
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burger king strawberry milkshakes are made from melted down Barbie furniture
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84% of UFO sightings are just sombreros that got blown off in the wind.
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Biden: We should go to the, um, I forget what it's called. Oh, FISH MUSEUM! We should go to the fish museum! Obama: You mean the aquarium?
@ThaStonerNation: Fav if you agree pic.twitter.com/O5UfUxRqpl” HAHAHA SO TREW BRO! SO TREW! U GUYS RILLY GET MEH SOMETIMES.
What's with some men's underwear not having the pee-flap? Like how am I supposed to feed baby carrots to my penis?
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"Do you believe in monogamy?" "I believe in all types of wood."
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I just want a woman who won't ask me what I'm thinking because she doesn't give a shit.
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Just found out I have no neck.
There were some good times last night. For instance, @chelseafrank was born.
Welcome to Subtraction Club. We've got a lot of new additions this week and that's pretty disappointing.
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You see the kool-aid man sitting by himself at the bar, you introduce yourself, he quickly asks you if you're his tinder date. You are.
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WAITER! I count 850, maybe 900 islands in this dressing, tops.
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As I was busy researching something online I had a sobering thought: "What if the Internet is wrong?"
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*walks into sports store* *slams $5 down on the counter* How much sports will this get me?
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it doesn't matter how far I push the wrappers down into the bin, I still ate four kit kats.
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My future husband and I recreated the movie poster for HEARTS IN ATLANTIS. #BabyHopkins pic.twitter.com/j21cWzgXmw
Mason and I recreated the poster from one of my favorite movies ever, Hearts In Atlantis. #BabyHopkins
Malala's attackers have been arrested! Baby steps=MOVEMENT TOWARDS JUSTICE! #Malala #hero huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/mal…
I haven't had @Capri_Sun in 20 years! I must have one @BreeEssrig @bretterlich. So may new flavors...delimma. tytnetwork.com/2014/09/09/red…
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When you gettin yelled at but you're too high to give a fuck pic.twitter.com/Nps4VjooQH
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#WomanCrushWEDNESDAY
Joke's on you, guys who drew dicks on my face at the party last night. I have a job interview at the dick face store this morning.
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I know this orgy would be a lot more fun if some women had showed up, but let's try to make the best of it ok, hey look, Phil brought hummus
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I'll never understand why the characters in RENT didn't just move in together. It would've solved like 97% of their problems...
This guy is held hostage in a phone booth & he's like "aw shit can I please hang up now?" he doesn't hang up though. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
ugh, so #unkawaii
love language.
An easy way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.
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What I did tonight: -Baked two dozen cookies -Googled "duck idioms" -Listened to R. Kelly's "Real Talk" This is me asking for help.
Thanks @MsRockNRollThug for sending this to me!
Not Texting or Calling Back Right Away is the New Black.
Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car
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My dog leaves the room every time I start to play my ukulele. Super bummed that she doesn't believe in me and my spirit of aloha :(
People who say there's no such thing as bad pizza, we get it, you're bad at sex.
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*wanders into meeting 20 minutes late holding coffee* *interrupts boss* Sorry I'm latte *entire room goes nuts* Boss: that was cool as hell
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