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A Penny saved is a Penny that might give you some thank you sex...
Starting to get to the point where all i live for is to make it to the next weekend...
LAUGH OUT LOUD at people who still send things written in over 140 characters. It's like: someone please remind this person this isn't the s
always thought being the friendly, go-to-guy at the office had no downside till i realised: no one nicks pieces off the grumpy guy's plate.
colleague 1: hey! seen my facebook friend request? me: i don't use fb colleague 2: hey! thanks for the fb party invite you sent me c1: ...
Spoil a good meal with your loved ones by shouting ‘JASON DERULO’ immediately after everyone takes their first bite.
Retweeted by faizzy!
It's cute how, when I'm arguing with a woman & I say: "I see your point," she thinks I've yielded when it really means I see her nipple...
You know how we do it, STRAIGHT LIT 💣 I'm at the club, reading a novel; come say hi...
How to spend your Friday nights: - find hooker - pay for hooker's time - proceed to having long & stimulating convo on the theory of life.
The ex was a 'bites more than she can chew' kinda girl; I really should stop dating cows...
She found love in all the "feat Vic O" places...
Yo, @Korrede if you blow from this, jo forget your director o 😎
Performed at a double entendre competition and everyone kept telling me I have a gift. I didn't believe them till I saw the present.
I could say what motivates me to go to work is how I get to impact people’s lives meaningfully but really, it’s just the free wifi.
Retweeted by faizzy!
"the human brain is like, so amazing!" - cannibal white girl.
"Don't forget me." - anonymous
Every time I want to say "fuck" autocorrect changes it to "duck" and I find that really annoying; I hate using fowl language.
The best things in life are fake, like a woman's orgasm.
The worst Decepticon is the one who transforms into a huge dildo. "That can't fit into anyone!" A disappointed observer exclaimed...
I was gonna start watching Jurassic World then i remembered it's subliminal set to make me believe in evolution and the devil is a liar!
To help prepare for life as an astronaut, all you need is some of Eminem's mum's spaghetti; oops! There goes gravity.
I've been busy writing electric puns; the results would shock you.
Girl: do you ever think about the future... [flashback: apes have taken over the world!] Guy: yes babe, and it's scary!
My father hated clichés too; like father like son.
Guys have it tough; one minute you'll think you've gotten away with a lie, next the missus is bringing out Shakira's hips...
[at secondary school reunion] - HEY! IT'S ME... mates: who are you again? *pinches girl's butt* *girl slaps me* mates: FAIZZY! YOU OLD DOG!
Clichés? I avoid them like the plague.
PLEASE, HELP! I now have a bird with 3 wings now, this RedBull® is good.
The Week in Instagram Food Porn: 5 September 2015
Retweeted by faizzy!
Found a bird with a broken wing, but not to worry, I just force fed it a RedBull®
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Like how Lagos traffic prepares you for hell.
😖😖😖 when people pronounce "cabbage" as "gabbage" 😭😭😭
I've lost my car keys now so much times I should never be allowed near a vehicle 😫
This is such great news you should tell a friend! RT, RT, RT!
The year is 2020, the president is Kanye West, the Vice President is Kanye West with a fake mustache
Retweeted by faizzy!
Still can't believe I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting.
Ever hated someone so much then you see him in a real door suit and your thinking: damn, I really hate that guy! Yep, me neither...
I'm still upset that the person who named them vehicles didn't call them "people carriers".
lol, ok, this is ridiculous
My mate was like: "it's such a shame Kim K has to walk around with her a huge arse," and I was like: "don't talk shit about Kanye."
I hate when I meet a pig who's lost its voice... They're always disgruntled.
Walked into a female beauty store today, lol, women are such huge liars!
[Kris Jenner finds note sent from Bruce 4 years ago] Dear Kris, by the time you read this, I'll be a woman. "OMG! The note knew!"
If you record yourself masturbating in a cucumber then look up & say: "looks like i'm in a pickle," it's funny, right? Asking for a friend.
There are 2 kinds of friends: the 'I'll pray for you's & the 'I'll come cook for you's, when going through a crisis; I prefer the latter.
After interacting with many people of different cultures, i learnt i have a flair for languages; like "fuck off" means the same everywhere!
My goal right now is to get a goal. - Falcao, probably
I bet photography is a great career choice in third-world countries cos, developing country...
When your live in girlfriend says you two can't have sex anymore, the only thing to say is: OK but it would be really really hard.
How to do Saturday mornings. <⌒/ヽ-、___ /<_/____/  ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄    ∧_∧    ( ・ω・)    _| ⊃/(___ / └-(____/  ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ . <⌒/ヽ-、___ /<_/____/

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