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I hope my WWF Suggested Games profile reads, "Plays Good Defense!" and not "Likes to Chat!"
Retweeted by faizzy!
Find a why and a because; a reason for doing the things you do. A deeper reason for your existence.
Retweeted by faizzy!
People being roasted on streets for stealing purses. People eating roasted meat in mansions for stealing billions. People.
Retweeted by faizzy!
What do you call the ability to hold back tears? Strength or weakness? Are you too weak to cry?
Retweeted by faizzy!
There's only one way to talk to a girl-- the right way! i.e. 20 seconds of intense staring, followed by: "I'm not afraid of you!"
When it comes to physical combat, I let my fists do the talking... It took years of training to make my fists say: "please don't punch me!"
I'm a huge advocate for equality and social justice; I just want babies to have to work like us before they get to suck on dem titties.
This week's twitter stats: no idea. Not sure why this would matter.
Retweeted by faizzy!
I would have believed this Buhari’s medical report but since when has it been possible to read a doctor’s handwriting
Retweeted by faizzy!
I just found out Uncle Ben isn't my real uncle; I'm never eating rice again!
With the right enthusiasm and passion, you can turn flushing into a water sport.
There's a lot of shit that could go wrong when proposing to a girl. For example, she can say: "yes!"
I don't drive a BMW so it's really hard convincing people I'm an arsehole.
Cake is the devil! The thing is, the devil is so good.
It's been soo long since i screamed: "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" at someone; I feel like I'm no longer a Nigerian.
Coffee so bitter I just named her my ex.
Social gatherings these days attract two kinds of crowds: the insufferable minglers, and the brilliant ones typing away on their phones.
Driving with the heater on. Only in KDee!!!
I cant believe it's 2015 and the no.1 killer in the world is still Death.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
Retweeted by faizzy!
There's no pleasing people. How'd you go from begging I upload your pictures onto cloud to insults after I fling your camera to the sky?!
Now, before you call me racist I just want y'all to know, a bunch of my friends are 6am.
After years being told she's, "dumb, with a dark heart," Amaka's resolution was to change; she died from ingesting 5lts of a bleaching cream
I've never had sex cos try as I might, I can never get the condom to fit onto my feet.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Whenever I hear whistling, I whistle back, really loud! It's so the other whistler knows there's a whistler around who whistles loudly.
I hate when I'm in public and have to use the bathroom but the sign says: 'gentlemen,' so I can't go cos I'm an arsehole.
The first person to have cooked his food was gay.
In his efforts to become cool, Edward, 19, surgically replaced his hands with guns and now, no one will hug him.
Girl, I hate to bother you but you see, I'm really good at the things I hate...
Just read a tweet saying a man's tie points to the direction of where his brain is which I think is quite apt as I readjust my bow tie.
While we debate, fight over GEJ vs GMB. Know that the most important elections are the National Assembly elections. #StopElectingIdiots
A bunch of my FB friends keep posting: "happy new year, beautiful people!" & it's making me sad cos they aren't talking about me 😖
Yo, @daliamalek! When you drop your rap album, don't forget to have 5 under AfroBeats #Banger #NaijaWillBuy #TIA #ilu
2015: never forget to follow your dreams this year. They belong to your government..
My words, they cut deep but my bad, I name all my knives, words.
Sorry, I don't have time leaving important words unsaid.
Retweeted by faizzy!
Different year, same misery.
I just know I'm gonna fuck this up soon...
To catch the new year's fever you have to first think like the new year's fever...
Me? O! Just reading a 5 page contract that basically says: "don't tell anyone about this shit". Lawyers ehn...
I can't wait for the 5th of January! When all the wishes and resolutions would be dead and buried as we return to corporate slavery!
Reminder that there's still time to post the funniest tweet this year and I've got dibs on: "Liverpool FC to win the League."
Someone pissed me off & i was like: "go fuck yourself!" So he starts masturbating & I was like: "it's nice when people follow instructions".
Cats are such arseholes! You try to practice your WWE moves on them and they claw, scratch, spit in your eye. Anyway, I'm blind noe
The interviewer said they'd get back to me after calling my references & it's been 2 weeks! Never make up references, they talk forever.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke!