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A Penny saved is a Penny that might give you some thank you sex...
Starting to get to the point where all i live for is to make it to the next weekend...
LAUGH OUT LOUD at people who still send things written in over 140 characters. It's like: someone please remind this person this isn't the s
always thought being the friendly, go-to-guy at the office had no downside till i realised: no one nicks pieces off the grumpy guy's plate.
colleague 1: hey! seen my facebook friend request?
me: i don't use fb
colleague 2: hey! thanks for the fb party invite you sent me
Spoil a good meal with your loved ones by shouting ‘JASON DERULO’ immediately after everyone takes their first bite.
It's cute how, when I'm arguing with a woman & I say: "I see your point," she thinks I've yielded when it really means I see her nipple...
You know how we do it, STRAIGHT LIT 💣 I'm at the club, reading a novel; come say hi...
How to spend your Friday nights:
- find hooker
- pay for hooker's time
- proceed to having long & stimulating convo on the theory of life.
The ex was a 'bites more than she can chew' kinda girl; I really should stop dating cows...
She found love in all the "feat Vic O" places...
if you blow from this, jo forget your director o 😎youtu.be/yjY3WVdVuB8
Performed at a double entendre competition and everyone kept telling me I have a gift. I didn't believe them till I saw the present.
I could say what motivates me to go to work is how I get to impact people’s lives meaningfully but really, it’s just the free wifi.
"the human brain is like, so amazing!" - cannibal white girl.
"Don't forget me." - anonymous
Every time I want to say "fuck" autocorrect changes it to "duck" and I find that really annoying; I hate using fowl language.
The best things in life are fake, like a woman's orgasm.
The worst Decepticon is the one who transforms into a huge dildo. "That can't fit into anyone!" A disappointed observer exclaimed...
I was gonna start watching Jurassic World then i remembered it's subliminal set to make me believe in evolution and the devil is a liar!
To help prepare for life as an astronaut, all you need is some of Eminem's mum's spaghetti; oops! There goes gravity.
I've been busy writing electric puns; the results would shock you.
Girl: do you ever think about the future...
[flashback: apes have taken over the world!]
Guy: yes babe, and it's scary!
My father hated clichés too; like father like son.
Guys have it tough; one minute you'll think you've gotten away with a lie, next the missus is bringing out Shakira's hips...
[at secondary school reunion]
- HEY! IT'S ME...
mates: who are you again?
*pinches girl's butt*
*girl slaps me*
mates: FAIZZY! YOU OLD DOG!
Clichés? I avoid them like the plague.
PLEASE, HELP! I now have a bird with 3 wings now, this RedBull® is good.
The Week in Instagram Food Porn: 5 September 2015 ift.tt/1EGYbQo
Found a bird with a broken wing, but not to worry, I just force fed it a RedBull®
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Like how Lagos traffic prepares you for hell.
😖😖😖 when people pronounce "cabbage" as "gabbage" 😭😭😭
I've lost my car keys now so much times I should never be allowed near a vehicle 😫
This is such great news you should tell a friend!
RT, RT, RT!
The year is 2020, the president is Kanye West, the Vice President is Kanye West with a fake mustache
Still can't believe I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting.
Ever hated someone so much then you see him in a real door suit and your thinking: damn, I really hate that guy! Yep, me neither...
I'm still upset that the person who named them vehicles didn't call them "people carriers".
lol, ok, this is ridiculous youtu.be/cSEJrVIA5hQ
My mate was like: "it's such a shame Kim K has to walk around with her a huge arse," and I was like: "don't talk shit about Kanye."
I hate when I meet a pig who's lost its voice... They're always disgruntled.
Walked into a female beauty store today, lol, women are such huge liars!
[Kris Jenner finds note sent from Bruce 4 years ago]
Dear Kris, by the time you read this, I'll be a woman.
"OMG! The note knew!"
If you record yourself masturbating in a cucumber then look up & say: "looks like i'm in a pickle," it's funny, right? Asking for a friend.
There are 2 kinds of friends: the 'I'll pray for you's & the 'I'll come cook for you's, when going through a crisis; I prefer the latter.
After interacting with many people of different cultures, i learnt i have a flair for languages; like "fuck off" means the same everywhere!
My goal right now is to get a goal. - Falcao, probably
I bet photography is a great career choice in third-world countries cos, developing country...
When your live in girlfriend says you two can't have sex anymore, the only thing to say is: OK but it would be really really hard.
How to do Saturday mornings.