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Remember, when you get to heaven, don't make any astroid jokes! The dinosaurs would hate you. Of course there are dinosaurs in heaven...
The best stories begin with "I was just there minding my business..."
Retweeted by faizzy!
What am I doing? Oh, just listening to a girl with fake hair, high heels and a wonder-bra talk about how all men are liars...
£1=N300... Come, @thetobbie, my brother! How you de, how yonder? Come send me Westi!
Tuface's songs playing in the office and it's like: LET'S WORK FOR WHAT? #jamming
You'd think after buying 15 different people cakes on their birthdays; come yours, you'll get 15 cakes too? WRONG! I get all the cakes!
You people shouldn't mind Okupe. Once, he asked for water but I gave him wine instead, it's why he thinks i'm Jesus Christ...
Retweeted by faizzy!
RT - "@YESVS: @ the follower who can tweet with your handle and nobody would notice the difference" - @thetobbie
You can find me in the club/kinda standing off to the side/just sort of watching all the people/not really sure what to do/cause I'm over 32
Retweeted by faizzy!
If a kid says he want to be Batman, you're obligated to murder his parents.
Retweeted by faizzy!
Port Harcourt, I'm in you! Anyone I know here? Who wants to come show an aboki dude the sights, sounds and thrills of your city?
I just slapped myself for taking a pillow to the shower. I'm such an idiot, there's no tub... Anyone wanna help me move my bed in there?
Blessing or a curse: she is from Calabar, her waist can perform miracles and she is yours for the night or sex with Weird MC.
That is awesome, L RT @quintywinties: Literally sing along with the song. It's perfect
Always had great giraffing skills RT @omojuwa: Keke NAPEP to the new stadium w/ @TosinJegede @IjeomaMba @notfaizzy
There are only three Google Glasses in Africa and I got to try out one today; I found out I'm better off watching my porn on a regular PC.
Got out of the airport, walked up to a girl & in my French accent said: "over here, taxis are so damn expensive, want to share?" She's Taken
someone just said: "age is a number," so i said to the idiot: "no it's not, it's a fucking word!"
my friends think my love of brake fluid is an addiction but really, i can stop anytime
dying? pfft! that's the last thing i intend doing...
i once killed two birds with one stone; it was pretty simple, i just used the same stone for each kill...
the girlfriend keeps telling me i live in a fantasy but she's imaginary so her opinions don't matter
i just saw a destitute horse: it was unstable
was really excited when i got invited to the premature ejaculation club; so i came early
walked in on my neighbour while she was showering and demanded she explain why she called me creepy
when i hear someone say: "love is the greatest feeling," i wish on them diarrhoea without a toilet in sight
was choking on a piece of fish bone, and as my life flashed before my eyes, i thought: 'fuck! i haven't cleared my browser history'
adulthood would be a lot more fun if to move up a level, you have to defeat your current boss; cos then, i can come to work with a sword
when i show up late to work, i blame it on rush hour but my boss is tired of me explaining Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker's hilarious relationsh
i'm terrible at practical jokes; like, i just filled this lotion bottle with glue, now everyone at this hospital knows i just masturbated...
boss: i want that report first thing tomorrow me: i want to be Batman boss: what? me: i thought we were both stating impossible things
'my husband is always pushing me around' - diary of a cripple about her loving husband
[goes to the doctor to complain about the terrible pain i have in my imagination]
i'm a peace loving man and if you don't believe me, i'll beat it into you
the girlfriend says i should stop treating her like an object, i told her i don't but it still insists i do...
say no to violence against women; join the #16days4WOMEN trend... cc @StandtoEndRape
"my body is a temple, a temple that needs serious renovations," i said in a letter to my governor, president, cat...
shame: we live in a world today where an 18 year old boy is "bigger & stronger" than a 28 year old man trained in unarmed combat
i've always been a 'do it yourself' kinda guy, it's why i never allow anyone make a fool of me; i do it myself...
was just interviewed on radio & i didn't constantly yell out my twitter handle...i feel so disappointed with myself; i'm officially an adult
what do babies lool like?
there's nothing you can say to hurt me, i've had two girlfriends
i gazed into the abyss and the abyss stared back at me, cried out for help... that's the last time i ever look into a woman's bag
relatoinship status: can't spel
when in a social gathering, leave a lasting impression by being the person constantly announcing: "i love taking off my pants".
got robbed today; person stole all my soap, deodorant and shampoos... dirty rotten thief!
drew a smiley face on each foot; happy feet
i really can't stand people who complain a lot; i mean, all they do is nag, nag, nag, it gets so annoying, gives me a headache, makes me ver
every weekend, we play the game: So You Think You Can Ruin My Multiplier