Kinda pissed not enough people on my timeline are talking about #chance3
Him: You should come for lunch with us bro
Me: I can't man, got a report I need to finish and my ass is on the line
Probably the most important poll there is which is why I'm irked people are picking the wrong choice! twitter.com/jonnysun/statu…
Really need a new set of pots and pans. *dusts prostitutes uniform*
Can't believe not enough people know that the whole point of entering a relationship with someone is for a possible body organ donation...
workout plan: burn calories from running away from your problems
This Michael Calfan's Treasured Tape #15’ is great! Over an hour long but worth it! ENJOY: soundcloud.com/treasured-tape…
I really should be paid for doing what I love; discovering great underground musicians.
I hardly feel threatened when a guy below 5'6 is talking to my chick. I just feel they are discussing about how to cook beans
sometimes, when a person is boring you, the only thing to do is face him/her squarely and give a deep yawn
Love it when the radio is a constant stream of music and not a confusing episode of What Accent Do I Have.
It's been over 3 months now, can't believe Olamide has yet to drop another album.
In this day and age, true love is when those weird things you do gets me 1000+ retweets/likes/hearts.
Too many people getting married, having kids for the wrong reasons; these are people getting married, having kids not for tweet material.
Totally ready to be a househusband, ladies.
"If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be nature's holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament;
What man has made of man."
Stranger: Hi, I'm Jonathan.
J: say again?
J: Feyisayo! Oh wow, what a beautiful name.
Me: I said... Yeah! Thanks.
GUYS! I JUST FOUND OUT THAT WOMEN'S EYELASHES ARE FAKE 😱
Just told off a friend for generalising after claiming this Asian woman would have a flat arse. I mean, she could kick his arse in karate.
70% of a celeb's job is fake smiling at fans.
"Microsoft is my first born." - Vic O. At least no one can ever doubt he's Igbo now with that kind of name for a kid.
My gym instructor told me to touch my toes - me explaining why i keep telling my feet they're beautiful.
Never explain a joke to a kleptomaniac; they take things literally.
I keep praying the day would never come when I end my sentence with "end of."
waiter: [drops bill]
me: i got this
me: [brings wallet]
[drops dead flies & roaches]
me: this food is free...
I hope to one day have the same amount of courage that guys who prefix their names with "cute" have.
"How'd world war 3 start, mum?" Well, see Vladimir Putin gave Kim Jung Un a thumbs down on his Twitter joke... twitter.com/TosinJegede/st…
The dung-beetle is an appropriate metaphor for the life of an average Nigerian.
Fine. let’s settle this. RT for stick. LIKE for Beyoncé
Now that George R. R. Martin is back making Game of Thrones, maybe he'll stop with producing the year 2016.
to all the women who "love me like a brother," please stop.
coffee shops & baristas were invented to save those who've forgotten their significant other's name.
"another day, another chance to become a millionaire"
[places football bet]
[30mins into first game]
2016 is a terrible year! #RiPPrince
Pretty odd seeing Americans celebrate 4/20 when it's really 20/4 for them. Idiots.
a lot of: "hmm hmm, hmm hmm," "oh no she didn't!" "I hate that babe." "Telemundo about to start". twitter.com/Chxta/status/7…
girl, you must be malaria?
cos every time you come around me
you just de gimme fever...
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
life can get so hard that your only option is to walk into a bank wearing a mask screaming: "all of you, gimme your business cards, now!"
Glad to see the Presidency is now using the AsoRock account. At least my labour wasn't in vain.
Sex, when done right can be so good, you can score like 60-80 points in Scrabble/Words With Friends.
Parents are prophets to their children, so it's your duty to steer them on to the right part; Marvel over DC!
The secret to long depressing days is not having someone's arse to smack consistently.
Kill your phone. Move out of town. Change your identity. twitter.com/ddooyyiinn/sta…