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faizzy!
Too funny! RT @DeRozenDontCare: "WHITE BOY JUST CONVERTED TO ISLAM ..SALAAMUALLAIKUM" best one Idc fam😂😂pic.twitter.com/adgGKRjvaUvaU
🎤 the wind of change blows and soon things will be better...🎶
So will the band now be called Different Direction?
I can always tell when coffee is bad; it tastes nothing like women.
Dirty laundry make the worst house guests.
This guy couldn't sleep, so I said he should go counting sheep. I often wonder what he's up to now...
I really shouldn't have asked my colleague who came in in his pyjamas if he's alright... Now he won't shut up!
As I lay my head to sleep I pray the lord to tell me if my uni lecturer is still waiting for me to turn in my paper on procrastination.
I really like how Romeo and Juliet teaches people that if you ever decide to fall in love, you should just kill yourself.
[goes to restaurant] [sees prices] I'd like just candy, please "Excellent choice, sir" [hands over bill] [jumps out of bathroom window]
I was gonna go out and take over the world but then I looked at my phone and it was at 15% battery charge; not today...
call me old fashioned but i send all my love letters via fax
Sometimes, I'll save documents that aren't mine in My Documents... Ladies, come have this bad boy!
"i'm arousing suspicion." - suspicion seducer
So, my colleague is out sick with Ebola like symptoms according to this rumour I just started.
I tried to share my coke with a homeless guy but he just snatched the bottle and finished it all and I was like: "not cool, dude!"
I call my bedroom 'gunpoint' just so if I'm ever lucky I can brag about how I had her at... I'm single.
It's sad that people don't build houses of hay anymore because of fear of that one wolf!
In a world where the weather has become self aware; when two acquaintances bump into each other, they start talking about humans.
When the police says: "do you know why I stopped you?" What they mean is: "I suffer from amnesia." They just don't know it, tell them.
I'm willing to bet that terrorists communicate with each other via Facebook event invitations.
Murphy's law states that anything and anywhere is the right place to shit. Murphy is a dog.
Inside every fat person is a smaller person screaming to get out; it's why I always send fat people cakes with a knife inside.
With the way my phone's autocorrect feature is set up, I'll only be selling my soil to the devil.
Went to see a dermatologist and he prescribed me this cream but I was like: "chill out, dude! I make my own rash decisions."
People will say to you: "good morning" and won't even offer you a cup of coffee. Jerks.
I don't mean to brag but i've got jams to make you love a Monday filled with meetings and...Ok, i'm bragging: soundcloud.com/bobofay
Just watched some mukthar guy get whooped! pic.twitter.com/C6w1GsQgPB
These guys didn't believe me when I said I'm athletic, so I had to pull out my sports bra...
When my friends say I suffer from multiple personality disorder, we just laugh and laugh.
Guy quits job and tweets: "I need a new job!" He waits and waits for an offer; he dies waiting. Twitter, killing people since 2006.
RT if you sexy and you know it. Fave if you're not sure.
My favourite meal is whatever's currently not available in my kitchen.
my signature dance move is called the elevator dance; there are no steps to it
from the third floor to ground... that's how i roll! help!
my bedroom is where the magic happens i say to the girl with a wink [as we walk in, i close the door] [brings out deck of cards] magic time!
If your girl's WhatsApp status reads: "available" then I have bad news for you, mate: she's OUR girl.
"Make it a PowerPoint presentation" : #WorstBossIn5Words
There's nothing a man in a ponytail would say to me that i won't immediately believe.
Big Sean's freestyle single better than his album 😢😞
Kinda unfair that jokes are only as funny as someone else's sense of humour.
I'm feeling really bad for not going to the gym today so I'll have two dozen cupcakes today.
Give your parents a near heart attack by calling them at the crack of dawn.
I answered my annoying neighbour by the door, saying I wasn't home but I think I ruined it when I started eating chips.
Told this white guy I was from Zamunda and he was like: "oh hey! I've heard of the place, I hear it's beautiful."
My friends say I'm a pessimist so I'm taking a test to prove them wrong which is ironic cos It'll likely turn out positive.
Love your neighbour. Especially if they're attractive.
You think you have it tough? Imagine being a dog calling the police for help but the girl on the other end thinks it's some creep panting