A great way to looking at life is saying to yourself: "my empathy isn't just for me."
I tell my girl, "I love you" and she deadass replies: "I love you" back. Copy copy.
When they ask how did he die? I hope someone answers: he died doing what he loves... Trying to fuck a crocodile.
UK weather hitting highs of 23 degrees Celsius today. Hashtag heat wave. LoooOooooool
You can be anything you want to be...
I just think it's really poor that of all things to be you chose to be a dickhead.
I really don't understand why I'm still here; I decided to quit Twitter 3 years ago...
I'm not just sitting here doing nothing; I'm building up Potential Energy.
When she tells you: "I love you, just the way you are," she really means it... So whatever you do, don't go bald.
First you're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Fela album, you get married, have kids, you die, the album is still playing...
He'll hath no fury like that time I told the girlfriend to shush...
She can have anyone's attention, but she wants yours... Make sure you hit that double summersault to perfection.
Smart business. Na Bayern get sense pass. twitter.com/bulijournal/st…
If Ronaldo really wants to return back to MUFC then he should come free. Makes no sense paying the release clause for a 32-33year old.
You should know when to use 'can' and 'may,' but i don't know, can you?
is ur kid using drugs? look for these terms in their txt msgs:
SMH: shooting major heroin
WTF: we tripping friday?
LOL: lets overdose later
A great father's day gift is to show him you're ready to succeed him; so go on, show him your excellent meme making skills... Champ!
They still hanging y'all, only this time they're using different branches of the government.
A Drake vs. Kanye West pick-up game is just as insane as you'd think 😂6
In Happy Town, everyone is gay.
I wish I could opt out of an account’s story on Instagram.
I'm here for this... Can't wait to control a frog eating flies in 3D. twitter.com/CNET/status/87…
You never know kids are terrorists till you're in an enclosed space and one with lakpa-lakpa head keeps threatening to headbutt on you.
Ama dai, wakar ɗin shi ne su yara'n na kira: "is a jam, wallahi." Pire 🔥
Gaskiyar, wannan DJ Khalid nayi tabbatar wey shi bay' cikin azumin. Sege mutun ne wallahi.
Listen to Palmwine Chills (Ft. Musmah, Lady Donli & Bris B) by Yinka Bernie #np
on #SoundCloud soundcloud.com/yinkabernie/pa…
BANK ROBBER: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
ME: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Parents, 10 years ago: don't talk/listen to strangers & the internet is evil.
Parents, now: my w(o)azzap says don't eat corned beef again.
"if the ball isn't there, what are they going to press?" LMAO, love it. twitter.com/TiagoEstv/stat…
Snakes hiss at you cos they clearly have no home training.
Dems introduced legislation that would keep Trump from deleting his tweets, preserving them as record.
They're calling it the COVFEFE Act.
Expectations never align with reality but when they do, bliss.
Lyft's CTO is in Lagos. Make of that what you will.
Lol, serious question: why? twitter.com/ESPNFC/status/…
Lord Buckethead has renewed my faith in politics.
It's official. I have written the saddest play ever.
[man enters rainforest cafe]
"Table for one, please."
4 minutes in and I didn't need another second to know King Arthur: Excalibur Rising is in with a massive shout for Worst Movie of 2017!
FLASH: Kaduna gov't orders arrest of signatories of "Northern Youths" that ordered Igbos out of northern Nigeria -Spokesperson to @elrufai
Northern Youths who disagree with this statement please retweet. They don't speak for us. We are NOT at war with Igbos.They are not leaving. twitter.com/saharareporter…
"The UK is reeling..."
Painful video of a mother confronting the ISIS terrorist who killed her son.
ISIS is NOT islam, please remember that.
Creating an anime called: 1 Blow 1 Die, where the protagonist gives 1 blow and the receiver gets one die. I foresee at least 6 seasons.
Lawyers of Reddit, what's the stupidest case you've been asked to take on (and did you)?
Ooh, now man has something else besides, malt and orijin zero to pour in my tumbler to feel cool and among... Here for this. twitter.com/seyitaylor/sta…
All good things--like this tweet-- come to an end when you least ex
"BBC reporter tweets heartfelt frustration with popular WiFi carrier and we are all here for it. Click link to see."
Lawyer: the defendant was seen stealing a pack of Viagra.
Judge: I sentence you to max' security prison; you're clearly a, hardened criminal
Forget Trump. Once you realise that everyone should have 2 shadows when they're on Tatooine in the Star Wars saga it ruins EVERYTHING.