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no matter how many times i stare into the washing machine, i can't ever seem to find the little men who do all the hardwork
You have to talk to it, let it know that you really care, it'll open up on its own "@TheGreyHunter: Please guys how do you break a coconut."
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even if you're drawing a blank, you're still drawing
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*sings along to entire Born to Do It album*
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The truth is, and will always be: I'm hungry.
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RT if you're a savage but you're not really a savage - you just like to hear it because it sounds cool here.
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Whatever you do, just make sure you aren't annoying. DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID MAKE SURE YOU AREN'T ANNOYING!
I'm not great at relationship advice but if she makes you feel the way music makes you feel, you're probably in love with your speakers.
I don't mean to brag but I have this ability to tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them...
The great thing about my air guitar is how people don't know it doubles as a weapon to smash them on the head with...
I'm thinking of writing a similar story to Oliver by Charles Dickens, but with a Twist in the middle...
A coup has been declared in burundi––burundi is a country in africa––a country is like america but somewhere else––somewhere else is like wh
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Sext: I have a full tank of fuel.
Normal witch: *rides broom* Badass witch: *rides shotgun*
Off all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: "I love you like a brother."
You can easily tell when a person is evil, they say things like: "hey! let me have a piece of your cake."
"How'd the interview go?" Erm... [Flashback] "sir, your résumé just says: "upnigger", what's upnigger?" ...turned it down, they were racist!
*comes in late to work* "sorry boss, my mum got me this shirt that uses cufflinks"
the world was better when kids had to learn how to wait several days to watch cartoons
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All science needs to do is make some improvements on mannequins and PRESTO! You too can have the perfect wife.
Just read that carrots make your eyes stronger. Now I understand how I lost that fight with the rabbit's eyes...
Soldier "I sabi this your face, but the time wey I sabi am you no get bear bear", I laughed and he said "who dey laugh with you, small boy".
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I remember when everyone had a blog though. Links everywhere. Thank God those days are behind us.
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The bigger they are, the harder they hit you!
Thinking of starting a cattle farm where you'll train to deliver breaking news; you herd it here first!
Happy birthday, @Chxta! Wishing you long life, prosperity, peace of mind and may the name never die...
History teaches us that there was this awesome moment when EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING!
After taking the drug with assurance that the product would make him "super strong," he went and picked a fight in a military base...
walked up to the girl at the club and i was like: "DO YOU LIKE DOGS?"
*marks ello as spam*
#EveryoneThinksImWeirdBecause it's my firs name but no, my parents are weird - Weird Weird.
If you answer "yes" to the question: are you a shopaholic? You need to stop taking shopahol!
In space, no one can hear you scream! It's why there are no spiders there. Nice looking out, God!
3 re-tweets from this girl; oh yeah, i still got it...
some guy just insulted me and i was about to get angry till i saw he mixed up his 'i am' with 'am' and now i just feel sorry for him...
Girl, are you an nkwobi bowl because you're just shallow!
Tired of correcting this woman; it's James Bay not James Bae!
The man who invented the snooze button has died. His funeral is tomorrow at 9, no 9:05, make that 9:10, ok 9:15.
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Who's the biggest liar, men or women? Mary, who told her kid she gave birth whilst still being a virgin was not available for comment.
Now, I ain't saying she a gold-digger but she works for a mining corporation...
His punishment? A fate worse than death! It's why you'll find him, everyday, in a cubicle, from 9-5...
It'll behove you to know that I'm on a mission to use the word, "behove" at least two times today...
How To Get Your Own House: Find one you like and cover it in your urine. It's yours now. YOU'RE WELCOME!