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My rap name is Li'l Urethra cuz my flow is weak.
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what do you know about collecting provisions on visiting day, handing it over to seniors at the gate and then go to sleep crying?
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What do you know about putting milo in tin foil and ironing it to make chocolate because chocolate was contraband in the boarding house?
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The farmer who feeds his cows high grade weed charges the butcher extra because, the steaks are high.
I don't need to join a gym, I burn all my calories from when I panic search for the remote control.
Someone asked me for a glass of water and I yelled back: "TAKE A PITCHER, IT'LL LAST LONGER." We laughed & laughed then mum kicked me out.
The more I think about it, my favourite character from, 'FRIENDS' is 'F'. I'm biased.
When my ex deaf girlfriend left me I blamed myself cos really, I should have read the signs.
I hate the fact that I don't have a stalker cos it just says I'm not pretty enough.
It's not you, it's me... I just think we should start DMing other people.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Girl, I'm a poet. Send me nudes.
I put tea in my coffee mug this morning. My mug then promptly threw itself off the counter after such an insult.
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Lil Jon: Whaaaaat!? Man: Huh? Lil Jon: What happened to the Berlin wall? Man: Oh. It was torn down in 1990. Lil Jon: Torn down for What?!
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Did you hear of the man who was encouraged by his lawyer to blame vodka for his killing spree? That's the spirit.
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For my birthday, my mates tried to get me a cake with a stripper in it but I couldn't agree to killing and then baking a stripper.
80% of my tweets come from my drafts folder, the other 20% come from Twitter for Web Client.
There are two types of people in this world: those who think I'm a dreamer and those who ask what kind of person sleep 20-22hrs a day.
A picture is worth a thousand wo--oh shut the fuck up, you talk too much!
Never let a kiss fool you and never let a fool kiss you; comedians are horrible kissers.
Where there is hope, there is a trial.
Italians are one of the craziest people I know, they'll name their baby "Mario" without knowing if he'll grow up having a moustache or not.
Today feels like a good day to spend with one hand holding a smartphone and another in your pants...
I bet Jay Z's 66th problem is being upside down.
Hi there, vain person, before you take your next selfie picture this instead: a T-Rex trying to take a selfie... HI-LA-RI-OUS!
I stopped regarding tennis players as true athletes when I realised that no matter how hard they train they'll never be as good as a wall.
Girl, your bowel movement must be virgin cos that shit tight.
I'm really just here to charm the pants off any woman who'll let me charm the pants off her.
Happy birthday mum! What do you want me to get you? "I just want you to be happy son." I'LL GET YOU A GRAND CHILD SOON! "Good boy"
Read Any Good Tweets Lately?
I knew a crazy bitch once--she insisted I called her that--but she didn't end up killing me so I'm starting to think she was just a wannabe.
Follow4Follow. RT4RT. Star4Star. Compliment4Compliment. FF4FF Clique4Clique. Suicidepact4Suicidepact.
Live, Love and Laugh. That laugh part is quite important. Don't play it down.
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Life is that professor that gives the hardest tests, unless you're rich and can afford to bribe him.
Some days, you just want to spend the entire day in CAPS LOCK mode, and that's why strong black coffee was invented.
A race against time is really funny if it's a grandfather clock that soon as it start, slips & falls, cracks its spine then chimes nonstop.
These tweets can't even power a small town. These tweets are useless.
I hate to tell you I told you so but I love to tell you that I hate to tell you I told you thinly veiled as an I told you so.
.@seanhannity thank you for your education on The Middle East I made this for you and your boss @rupertmurdoch #trews
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[PUTTING MY HANDS IN THE AIR but caring a little bit as I wave 'em]
I tried to find love in a hopeless place and I'll tell you this: that's the last time I ever go to that brothel again.
Someone just asked me if Einstein's theory was any good but I didn't know so I answered: "relatively."
I once stood in front of a mirror, practising the introduction: "hi, I'm Brad..." and soon as i was done, I immediately had 6 pac abs.
Drugs kill people, just like guns. So whatever you do, don't smoke a kalashnikov.
Kanye: who knew, the person I was looking for was in front of me all this time Kim: bae, that's a mirror 'Ye: I know & it's a great mirror
Confidence? That's for amateurs; true professionals in the art of picking up women are always full of doubt. This I'm unsure of.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with me flatly refusing to go anywhere.
It was the best of times. It was the wurst of times. It was the 'all you can eat sausage fest of '98.'
"What do you do?" "I'm an archeologist." "You're just the person I'm looking for... [hands over used tampon] What period is that from?"