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faizzy!
[walks into friend's house] "WHY IS YOUR DOG LYING NAKED ON THE FLOOR!"
LGBT sounds like the name of a sandwich and sometimes, it is.
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[pretending to be on the phone when walking past a hot girl] "SO, MY MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WAS APPROVED BY THE GOV. [phone rings]
The first rule of the, don't fight club is: "here's your French passport."
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Example: me working out.
Are you even, Y2K compliant, bro?
I'd like to have Sean Hannity banned.
Sees mouse everyday; gets angry, sets trap for mouse. Day 3, yet to catch mouse...
Radio Biafra: The President must do something ynaija.com/radio-biafra-i… via @YNaija
Not sure how i feel about mosquito repellents in a toothpaste lookalike tube; anyway, no more kissing mosquitoes for me...
Nigerians are funny, like how Yoruba people will say: "egbon, mo respect yi gan sobun..." LOL you know it's a preface to an insult. - @Chude
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I'm no relationship expert but i know the number 1 reason women cheat is to beat their man in video games....
Proof that aliens exist: maths
The reason why women live longer than men is cos women always insist they're fine, everything is fine, nothing is wrong...
Interview day today for @humansofred starring the superstar, moi. instagram.com/p/4By-PpDA7X/
Hearts must be dangerous things; it's why they're locked behind rib cages.
To avoid all the Game of Thrones spoilers, I'll be tweeting via @humansofred today! Follow y'all...
So I'm gonna be on @YNaijaRadio from 6:15 pm to analyse the news with @Beediesiel. To prepare, I wrote jokes. Tune in!! #TheFrontpage
[runs up to old lady trying to cross the street] You seem to be having trouble, ma'am! Please, allow me lead you... OL: I have a boyfriend!
For added joy and giggles in the workplace send out official emails with the signature: "Regards, 69 lover."
I hate that doctors never suffer queasiness on a boat cos, they are used to see sickness.
Swoosh! Please, tell my ex, her mother, her best friends, my boss, my banker, God... twitter.com/funTweeters/st…
Dele Momodu needs to learn to write short, articulate articles that drive straight to the point instead of his daedalean, knotty, oft convol
waiter: what would you like to order, sir? me: a naked salad, please. waiter: ... me: you know, no dressing.
Recent scientific discoveries are cool & whatnot but can we start getting answers to serious questions; like, do ghosts have dicks?
So let me get this straight: you want to have a high threshold for pain, ability to multitask, high intelligence & still have equal rights?
If you can't be talented, be weird.
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What did the one astronaut say to the other astronaut about an upcoming event: "watch this space".
Did you know: the female T-Rex was a lot more aggressive and deadlier; cos they were in the, Jurassic Period.
The hardest thing about being in your mid-30s is not knowing if you're getting better looking with age or more delusional.
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1. Receive group email 2. Write funny reply to group 3. Wait 4. Wait 5. Get response 6. Response has no mention of funny reply 7. Die alone
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Hey, did you know that If you aren't using Twitter to chronicle your soul crushing descent into darkness then you're doing Twitter wrong?
Babe: Hey! You home? Wanna come over. Me: OK! Let me just clean up the apartment first... Babe: How long will that take? Me: Say, 6 months
May our women forever be like Lagos' weather; dark, & wet one minute, hot & scalding enough to fry an omelette next; cos, eggcelent tweets!
8 out of 10 times when I start my sentence with: "now i'm not trying to be rude," I am. The other 2 times is me singing R. Kelly's Ignition.
My mate is crying about his headache and asking if he should have a lobotomy, I was like: that's a no brainer...
"eat it like groceries" #4BestWordsEver
If I were a super-villain, my arch nemesis would be Aluminium Man; for always foiling my plans.
What kind of arsehole are you? Do you say to a person searching for something: "it's the last place you look"? The you're a thundercunt.
It's amazing, I haven't heard a word from my neighbours since I glued their mouths shut.
WHAT THA FUCK! I LOVE THIS GUY!!! twitter.com/WORIDSTARHlPHO…
Today we celebrate the birth or our lord and savior, @kanyewest
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The difference between a big Twitter account and a small Twitter account is the amount of effort that goes into making $0 over the years.
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So, a Freudian slip is when I say one thing and mean your mother
What a man can do, a woman can do; what a woman can do, a woman shouldn't complain about doing.




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