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it's amazing how you can accurately tell a person is a steaming pile of shit the second they fail to keep their promise...
Christoph Waltz plays the kind of people Donald Trump aspires to be.
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📂Twitter └📁Drafts └📁Funny Formats └⚠️ This folder is empty ⚠
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Throwing a house party is basically screaming: HEY! PLEASE COME AND TRASH MY HOUSE!
When she cries: "fuck me harder!" It's your cue to explain that only the crippling reality of your life's choices can fuck you harder.
Hating on my burger puns is just asking for beef!
Watching a Chinese movie and it's amazing, the same person is playing all the roles... Confusing to be honest but, amazing!
I had a dream where I was being chased by thieves, so I woke up just before they caught me. That would show those idiot police officers...
...I don't want you to think I'm a strange woman who walks around with dog treats in her bag, I say as I remove a dog treat from my bag...
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Today, I found out there is such a thing as a dangerous joke; someone replaced my coffee with decaf coffee.
Comfort, 25, wasn't sure if she loved, Mike, 29. He wasn't handsome & only earned 500k a month but she knew him loving her wasn't enough.
to be a nigerian prince you must first think like a nigerian prince…
In desperation, Twit, 17, took a job as a mannequin, "pay's not great but it beats standing around for free," you'll hear him say.
I feel like there aren't any great songs about irritable bowel syndrome; all the ones out there are just shit!
At the end of the day, may we all be able to say: "I was adored once, too."
The last thing she said to me was I'm deluded but she hasn't replied any of my messages the past 3 weeks; I know, she loves me hard.
(•_•) <) )╯fuck / \ \(•_•) ( (> shit / \ (•_•) <) )> up / \
I bet there's a world where guys realise they aren't close to being up to 10% of how funny they think they are... Fuck that world.
Hi and welcome to my new show, Fat People Eating Paper Clips. Enjoy
Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl loves dog, dog hates cat. Life, in full circle; utterly confusing.
Happy birthday @oluyemiseun! Your life is just beginning, bro! Epic.
[bursts through the door as business meeting is going on] A RUSSIAN LEADER'S FAVOURITE MEAL IS CZARDINES!!!
I started to get excited about the Superman V Batman trailer then I remembered I'm still not over what Man of Steel did to me...
Kids, don't let anyone deceive you; FAILURE IS ALWAYS AN OPTION!
Sure you love books, anybody can love books, loving books is ready but do books love you back?
The GF says she's an atheist & that I'm stalking her but she just screamed at me to go to hell, so you see why I say she's confused, right?
She died doing what she loves; taking a selfie with a lion...but it's OK, she got over 200 likes on Instagram.
The good thing about this Bastian to #MUFC news is that maybe now I'll finally learn to spell his surname.
Staff: I think it's rude to pay when your boss is right here. Boss: ha! then please be very rude. S: OK fuckface B: how much is it again?
The worst thing you can do as a ruler is to have pigeons as your military generals; all they'll do is plot coups.
The ex wore size 14 shoes; finding shoes that fit her was no small feat...
I asked someone how much tyres are now and he replied, "they've gone up a lot," and i was like: inflation...
In the an ideal world, knowing how to parallel park in tight spaces would grant you instant celebrity status.
Listening to a radio show called: How to Find And Keep The Spouse You Want and 30 mins in there's been nothing about how to sleep forever.
You have to give it to the inventors of humour. Now, you can talk about plans to kill your mother in law and not freak people out.
Sometimes you're asked to review a colleague & you just can't say said person is stupid; I think it's why, "he/she tries hard" was invented.
As a matter of fact, the best way to preface a matter of no fact whatsoever is by using the phrase: well, as a matter of fact...
Don't get caught up in your own vanity; bats think you're ugly.
So, it turns out being philosophical about how everything is meaningless gets you a hot slap & ensures you pay double bribe by the police.
I agree with your propaganda so much so I'm going to share it... Sorry, I meant to say: I agree with your education so much...
Me: why's it I never understand you when you talk? Person I never understand: fekeusvs vsjejdllafa! Me: yeah, you're definitely Nicki Minaj.
Myfriendssayitalkalittletoofastbutiftheyonlylistenedalittlefasrtheywouldrealiseidonthaveto s l o w d o w n
Recruiter: what kind of job are you looking for? Me: one with real hands-on experience. JR: I've got the perfect one... Now, I make gloves.
Knowing that the camera adds 10 lbs, I really shouldn't have eaten those 5 cameras that morning :(…
are you ignorant and have strong opinions that emphasize said ignorance? then ask your doctor if being an internet celeb is right for you
"Why am I at RED? You've heard that saying: 'shoot for the moon, land on the stars,' well I intend to land on the moon!" - @notfaizzy
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Zina looks like she's having fun on location, and apparently, I'm now Asian.
[shooting a scene today at a second hand market] *spots some pretty fly girls* *pretty fly girls spot us* *pretty fly girls run*

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