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[walks into friend's house] "WHY IS YOUR DOG LYING NAKED ON THE FLOOR!"
LGBT sounds like the name of a sandwich and sometimes, it is.
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[pretending to be on the phone when walking past a hot girl] "SO, MY MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WAS APPROVED BY THE GOV. [phone rings]
The first rule of the, don't fight club is: "here's your French passport."
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Example: me working out.
Are you even, Y2K compliant, bro?
I'd like to have Sean Hannity banned.
Sees mouse everyday; gets angry, sets trap for mouse. Day 3, yet to catch mouse...
Radio Biafra: The President must do something… via @YNaija
Not sure how i feel about mosquito repellents in a toothpaste lookalike tube; anyway, no more kissing mosquitoes for me...
Nigerians are funny, like how Yoruba people will say: "egbon, mo respect yi gan sobun..." LOL you know it's a preface to an insult. - @Chude
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I'm no relationship expert but i know the number 1 reason women cheat is to beat their man in video games....
Proof that aliens exist: maths
The reason why women live longer than men is cos women always insist they're fine, everything is fine, nothing is wrong...
Interview day today for @humansofred starring the superstar, moi.
Hearts must be dangerous things; it's why they're locked behind rib cages.
To avoid all the Game of Thrones spoilers, I'll be tweeting via @humansofred today! Follow y'all...
So I'm gonna be on @YNaijaRadio from 6:15 pm to analyse the news with @Beediesiel. To prepare, I wrote jokes. Tune in!! #TheFrontpage
[runs up to old lady trying to cross the street] You seem to be having trouble, ma'am! Please, allow me lead you... OL: I have a boyfriend!
For added joy and giggles in the workplace send out official emails with the signature: "Regards, 69 lover."
I hate that doctors never suffer queasiness on a boat cos, they are used to see sickness.
Swoosh! Please, tell my ex, her mother, her best friends, my boss, my banker, God...…
Dele Momodu needs to learn to write short, articulate articles that drive straight to the point instead of his daedalean, knotty, oft convol
waiter: what would you like to order, sir? me: a naked salad, please. waiter: ... me: you know, no dressing.
Recent scientific discoveries are cool & whatnot but can we start getting answers to serious questions; like, do ghosts have dicks?
So let me get this straight: you want to have a high threshold for pain, ability to multitask, high intelligence & still have equal rights?
If you can't be talented, be weird.
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What did the one astronaut say to the other astronaut about an upcoming event: "watch this space".
Did you know: the female T-Rex was a lot more aggressive and deadlier; cos they were in the, Jurassic Period.
The hardest thing about being in your mid-30s is not knowing if you're getting better looking with age or more delusional.
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1. Receive group email 2. Write funny reply to group 3. Wait 4. Wait 5. Get response 6. Response has no mention of funny reply 7. Die alone
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Hey, did you know that If you aren't using Twitter to chronicle your soul crushing descent into darkness then you're doing Twitter wrong?
Babe: Hey! You home? Wanna come over. Me: OK! Let me just clean up the apartment first... Babe: How long will that take? Me: Say, 6 months
May our women forever be like Lagos' weather; dark, & wet one minute, hot & scalding enough to fry an omelette next; cos, eggcelent tweets!
8 out of 10 times when I start my sentence with: "now i'm not trying to be rude," I am. The other 2 times is me singing R. Kelly's Ignition.
My mate is crying about his headache and asking if he should have a lobotomy, I was like: that's a no brainer...
"eat it like groceries" #4BestWordsEver
If I were a super-villain, my arch nemesis would be Aluminium Man; for always foiling my plans.
What kind of arsehole are you? Do you say to a person searching for something: "it's the last place you look"? The you're a thundercunt.
It's amazing, I haven't heard a word from my neighbours since I glued their mouths shut.
Today we celebrate the birth or our lord and savior, @kanyewest
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The difference between a big Twitter account and a small Twitter account is the amount of effort that goes into making $0 over the years.
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So, a Freudian slip is when I say one thing and mean your mother
What a man can do, a woman can do; what a woman can do, a woman shouldn't complain about doing.

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