I keep praying the day would never come when I end my sentence with "end of."
waiter: [drops bill]
me: i got this
me: [brings wallet]
[drops dead flies & roaches]
me: this food is free...
I hope to one day have the same amount of courage that guys who prefix their names with "cute" have.
"How'd world war 3 start, mum?" Well, see Vladimir Putin gave Kim Jung Un a thumbs down on his Twitter joke... twitter.com/TosinJegede/st…
The dung-beetle is an appropriate metaphor for the life of an average Nigerian.
Fine. let’s settle this. RT for stick. LIKE for Beyoncé
Now that George R. R. Martin is back making Game of Thrones, maybe he'll stop with producing the year 2016.
to all the women who "love me like a brother," please stop.
coffee shops & baristas were invented to save those who've forgotten their significant other's name.
"another day, another chance to become a millionaire"
[places football bet]
[30mins into first game]
2016 is a terrible year! #RiPPrince
Pretty odd seeing Americans celebrate 4/20 when it's really 20/4 for them. Idiots.
a lot of: "hmm hmm, hmm hmm," "oh no she didn't!" "I hate that babe." "Telemundo about to start". twitter.com/Chxta/status/7…
girl, you must be malaria?
cos every time you come around me
you just de gimme fever...
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
life can get so hard that your only option is to walk into a bank wearing a mask screaming: "all of you, gimme your business cards, now!"
Glad to see the Presidency is now using the AsoRock account. At least my labour wasn't in vain.
Sex, when done right can be so good, you can score like 60-80 points in Scrabble/Words With Friends.
Parents are prophets to their children, so it's your duty to steer them on to the right part; Marvel over DC!
The secret to long depressing days is not having someone's arse to smack consistently.
Kill your phone. Move out of town. Change your identity. twitter.com/ddooyyiinn/sta…
Boys don't cry; I'm just shedding tears.
Nothing good ever comes out of Twitter users who spell their handle in all caps.
Most times, you're a nobody when someone says to you: 'do you know who I am?' but it shouldn't stop you answering, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
The day you realise everyone adds the title , "Mr" before your name is the day you realise you've finally become an adult. Fucking hell!
My neighbour has these really loud speakers. Sorry, I have these really loud speakers.
If a bald guy tries to pick a fight with you, just blow air on his head and YOU'VE WON!
Science can't disprove that the secret to financial success is fabric softener. Stay woke, folks.
To who much is given you don't need to be told is one lucky bastard.
Guys, do you know how hard it is to run away from the person you love cos they just might be trying to kill you? That's me and coffee.
"My girl shaped like a bottle of coke. Me, I'm shaped liked a bottle of nope."
Can't stop listening to This Unruly Mess I've Made.
My head isn't a lot like space. Everyone can hear me scream.
Whoever is responsible for stopping Iggy Azalea is taking too fucking long.
CARLOS SANTANA HAS A NEW ALBUM!
With a big jiggly butt all in your face, you too can see nothing but darkness.
Good things never come in twos, only bad things. What I'm trying to tell you is that boobs will kill you.
Reasons to read an email:
Reasons to buy regular bread:
DC couldn't have made it better, tbh twitter.com/Sleeky__jnr/st…
I wrote a nice tweet once.
We Found Love on a Rough Windy Day in Stoke.
Van Gaal finally puts the Jose rumours to bed
He died doing what he loves; he overdosed on chill pills.
In this economy, it's totally advisable not to let your child know it's their birthday till they're at least 18.
Just as I was about to pull of my greatest heist--stealing a watch,--I get caught at the last minute; caught in the nick of time.
Love conquers all. Except your genotype.