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Fai--Katy Perry's BF
Never judge a book by its cover unless you're at the airport and the book is wearing pyjamas and bathroom slippers, then judge the book.
Walk into the club hoping someone will say, "WOW! Cool haircut, dude!" then I'll take off the wig and laugh & laugh while saying: owned...
Keep rodents out of your home by building a nice cosy rodent resort outside, that meets all the health and safety rodent regulations.
Writing this tweet as I walk just to avoid raising my head and having to talk to this guy screaming: "HEY DUDE, LOOK OUT! TRUCK COMING AT YO
I just wish I could unsubscribe from my mom's emails.
Retweeted by Fai--Katy Perry's BF
Another day, another drained battery.
Retweeted by Fai--Katy Perry's BF
Find that one person who always stops you from making bad decisions, and shoot him/her. If you succeed at this, then you've failed.
*still haven't recovered from the movie type disease that was Man Of Steel*
With how good they are at murder I'm really disappointed at the mafia for not having taken over the 'beach body' business.
I always wondered why the yanks celebrate July 4th. Then I saw Independence Day and I knew... Americans take aliens way to seriously.
For a Polish kid to win a Spelling Bee competition, all they have to do is spell their name right.
You people who post a hundred tweets a day, how do you do it? What's your secret? Is it youth? I bet it's youth... Arseholes.
If you're not here to fall in love with me, please, please, please, do. I need to have something to brag about at the bragging events centre
After five consecutive losses on Words With Friends, I'm thinking: the British government didn't pay off the Royal Niger Company for this...
great thing about millipedes is they remind you there existed a person who had such a shit life they counted the legs of a creepy insect.
Look, you can ask me questions here or go to another site to ask me questions and come read my answers here.
I was in a serious relationship once. She always wore 'headmistress glasses' and never ever smiled.
Never marry someone till you've watched the person spend a few hours trapped in an elevator, alone.
Ever since I got a beard, all this sage wisdom that came with it has just been overwhelming.
MILF: Mother I'd Like to Fire. I'm a businessman and it's strictly business.
I really need people to stop hacking my password. I don't think my dog can take another name change.
Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat but WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW YOU SICK PIECE OF SHIT! the answer will take 0.0007secs on Google.
Nothing worse than losing your voice from celebrating a goal only for it to be adjudged offside 10 seconds later.
Women! I know all about women. Ever since I learnt to scratch the back, just where the bra lines are, I've known how to please women.