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"Maybe I'll get you out of my head. Maybe I'll forget all the things you said..."
"Risin like the smoke, you linger on me..." 🎶
"Don't get arrested!"
"I can run in heels. Fuck the police!"
Flexing my twerk muscles while I'm sitting down at my work, cause I'm a lady in these streets but as soon as I go home...
If he doesn't make you wanna touch yourself in the middle of the day, he's not the one.
Oh Hey there Followers. Long time, no see. 😉
My future husband won't put the ring in a champagne glass. He'll put it in fresh, clean bong water. 👌
[grabs dentist by the shirt collar]
WHAT TOOTHPASTE DO YOU RECOMMEND THAT THE OTHER 9 DENTISTS DONT?!
So hey um, if you're not busy this Friday... Uhh, wanna go to a lecture on quantum physics theories of black holes?
Just saw a nipple ring so pretty it made me consider getting mine pierced. 😍
Me: Honey, I have a joke for you
M: How many men does it take to change the toilet roll
Me: [Throws TP] ONE! IT TAKES ONE
if you never hit yourself in the face were you actually hula hooping? lol you feel me hoopers
I'll doit free RT @YungKeem4rmLB
: For 1million would you take this ride? ”naw iont fuck with heights
I used to walk into a room and wonder if the people in there liked me, now I wonder if I'll like them.
Oh, your account is NSFW? Around here that's called 'Twitter.'
I woke up with my middle finger in the upright and locked position.
Its a go fuck yourself kinda day
I think birds should be required to wear diapers.
*gets high, forgets to text you back.*
Easy ways for high school girls to lose weight for a perfect bikini body? You're in fucking high school, bitch...how hard can it be?
Single moms slay. Who wouldn't want to date a single mom? Her pussy is certified as good enough to nut in. Just sayin.
Have you tried just telling her to calm down?
-Me, telling my 8yo how to handle a girl that yells at him at school.
I love when customers start flirting. All I see is dollar signs.
Morning head would be so rad this morning.
One thing adult life has taught me to be true. There are three languages everyone speaks:
"The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees. I want money." 💵💵💵
happy woman's day 😌G
Got my shit locked down like fort knox in my bra. Leggings don't have pockets.
Kinder soccer spectator drinking game. 1 shot whenever a player:
Falls on their ass
Scores in the wrong goal
Asks when snack is
I'm smiling because I know I don't need you. I love me enough for the both of us. Imma be alright. ✌️
Study says the bigger Mom's fatty, the more likely your kids will be in MENSA.😉sofiavergara.com/beauty/women-w…
Send me a pic of your books.
Southern men talk like whiskey. Smooth and strong tongued. 😍
Don't get me started on silent P's.
"Pterodactyl"?? Really? PAH-terodactyl?
Pfuck you, english language.
Is anyone else as bothered by silent letters? Like the word "queue", wtf is that shit?
Today I saw an Arabic man in a cowboy hat.
Your argument is invalid.
This is so important
Rearranging my thoughts from least to most fucked up
Why get mad when you could get high