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My future husband won't put the ring in a champagne glass. He'll put it in fresh, clean bong water. 👌
[grabs dentist by the shirt collar]
WHAT TOOTHPASTE DO YOU RECOMMEND THAT THE OTHER 9 DENTISTS DONT?!
So hey um, if you're not busy this Friday... Uhh, wanna go to a lecture on quantum physics theories of black holes?
Just saw a nipple ring so pretty it made me consider getting mine pierced. 😍
Me: Honey, I have a joke for you
M: How many men does it take to change the toilet roll
Me: [Throws TP] ONE! IT TAKES ONE
if you never hit yourself in the face were you actually hula hooping? lol you feel me hoopers
I'll doit free RT @YungKeem4rmLB
: For 1million would you take this ride? ”naw iont fuck with heights
I used to walk into a room and wonder if the people in there liked me, now I wonder if I'll like them.
Oh, your account is NSFW? Around here that's called 'Twitter.'
I woke up with my middle finger in the upright and locked position.
Its a go fuck yourself kinda day
I think birds should be required to wear diapers.
*gets high, forgets to text you back.*
Easy ways for high school girls to lose weight for a perfect bikini body? You're in fucking high school, bitch...how hard can it be?
Single moms slay. Who wouldn't want to date a single mom? Her pussy is certified as good enough to nut in. Just sayin.
Have you tried just telling her to calm down?
-Me, telling my 8yo how to handle a girl that yells at him at school.
I love when customers start flirting. All I see is dollar signs.
Morning head would be so rad this morning.
One thing adult life has taught me to be true. There are three languages everyone speaks:
"The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees. I want money." 💵💵💵
happy woman's day 😌G
Got my shit locked down like fort knox in my bra. Leggings don't have pockets.
Kinder soccer spectator drinking game. 1 shot whenever a player:
Falls on their ass
Scores in the wrong goal
Asks when snack is
I'm smiling because I know I don't need you. I love me enough for the both of us. Imma be alright. ✌️
Study says the bigger Mom's fatty, the more likely your kids will be in MENSA.😉sofiavergara.com/beauty/women-w…
Send me a pic of your books.
Southern men talk like whiskey. Smooth and strong tongued. 😍
Don't get me started on silent P's.
"Pterodactyl"?? Really? PAH-terodactyl?
Pfuck you, english language.
Is anyone else as bothered by silent letters? Like the word "queue", wtf is that shit?
Today I saw an Arabic man in a cowboy hat.
Your argument is invalid.
This is so important
Rearranging my thoughts from least to most fucked up
Why get mad when you could get high
Sometimes you just need a little weed and some sweet, sweet jazz.
Ganja babe. My sweet ganja babe...
There's a special place in hell for people who drive crown vics.
You're the only person who's ever made me cry while I'm high...
"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be." -Albert Einstein
Artist and Entertainer are two very different things.
My wedding day gon b like