If the iPad came out in the 70s people would have snorted cocaine off it while using their nose to "slide to unlock" the device.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?? A Swallow.
Call me constipated, cause I no longer give a shit.
I’m only a morning person on December 25th.
Life is too short to be unhappy, smile while you still have teeth.
Girl you don't look like 300 likes in person
I have this theory that McDonald's hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That's why they're always hiring.
Check out @Fools_For_Hire
Super funny webseries featuring geekieness and crazy hijinks! Watch the Season2 premiere dai.ly/x17nzv0
I wonder why iphone chargers aren't called apple juice
for awesome funny tweets Also check out her YouTube Channel ---> youtube.com/user/EleniV77 #TooFunny
At least miley is getting paid to act ratchet, the rest of you do it for free
Follow the Dairy Queen good samaritan, @JoeyPrusak
, who gained national attention after standing up for a blind man!
The longest five seconds in anyone's life is waiting to press the "Skip Ad" button on YouTube.
We live in a society where a bottle of water cost $1.00, but for $3.99 you can get a pack of 24.
The guy in Fast & Furious #PaulWalker
died in a car wreak. If only he was driving.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
The awkward moment when your sneeze turns into a death metal scream
for arguably the Holiest most banterous experience on Twitter ... Join the revolution people #HolyOne #HolyBanter
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest bunghole you ever saw.
Do you ever have so much to do that you just decide not to do any of it
I want a six month vacation twice a year.
, he has some of the funniest and realist tweets I've ever seen!
Hotelscan has launched a student discount program to support traveling youth all around the world. sponsor spnsr.tw/t1Cxki
Netflix has almost every movie.... Except for the ones I actually want to watch!
How come I can't get a mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afganistan?
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
The rough neighborhoods in italy are called the spaghetto
"Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view and the b looks like a side view.
I didn't have Beer. Now, I have Beer bit.ly/1fBcPHR
Some people were hit with the ugly stick. You were gang raped by the whole forest!
I almost had a threesome last night. I just needed 2 more people.
The longest five seconds of anyone's life is waiting to press the "Skip Ad" button on YouTube.
Do mermaids smoke seaweed?
Special $0.95 #Veteran
's day Reverse phone lookup reverd.com
They met at blackpeoplemeet (dot) com pic.twitter.com/0qkBnjKR9T
Girls stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Facebook, and Waka Flocka in person.
Bay Area based #Headshot
& Commercial #Photographer @ODLVjr
on all the latest in #photography
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Almost got anal searched at the airport last week. The security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
How are you feeling today?! pic.twitter.com/VRh7sjukTb
I just learned today that bees have testicles... Guess who doesn't eat Honey Nut Cheerios anymore
Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.
You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating crayons.
What do you call a gay drive by? A fruit roll up.
it's so easy a caveman could do it, if he could logg on.
Some leftover watermelon seeds
When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place?
I'm crying from laughing!..Follow @alicchio
if you're interested in "L'appuntamento" directed by Gianpiero Alicchio - vimeo.com/65308682
Check out @brownetj
for hilarious tweets and vines vine.co/v/hrqVWutdXnK