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It's the 46th Anniversary Apollo 11 moon landing. Mankind's first small step-The next giant leap will be #Mars #GYATM
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Delayed train, missed last tube. Loving life #blessed
Yeeeeeeesssssssssss, love a good delayed train.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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DATE: I'm leaving ME: Why? D: You keep pretending to be a bat M: I don't D: You're doing it right now [a single tear rolls up my forehead]
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*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"
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"Phil, I mustache u a question. Get it? Cuz u have a mustache." -I get it, Amy. I understand jokes. [Later] -Amy, I muffin top u a question.
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*early humans discovering sleepiness* noooo!! what is this, im shutting down? dying??? *waking up later* wow, i love that. gonna do it a lot
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Family reunion. Many, many beers. #uhoh
Schweinschneiderlin! #mufc
Love it when a carrier bag disintegrates in the middle of a busy road. Cheers to the bus driver for not running my food over.
Lol at presumably many people deciding that Sterling is worth £49m
Big(ger) Andy Roddick fan this Wimbledon. Top punditry.
Man Unity to go get Bastian Schweinscneiderlin. #franchiseenhancement
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A cat heroically struggling to call 911 with his paws while you watch, dying and helpless on the floor, but he's using the tv remote
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Federer has been borderline perfect. Tempted to stick a fork in Murray.
Sometimes if you say "Wow, you're tall!" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash
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haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.
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In my opinion, tube strikes, are, in fact, actually, extremely good.
Whoa just realized F.ross R.achel I.oey E.obe N.onica D.andler S.ome friends
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‘Alright girls, you’ve had your fun, but the washing & ironing’s really starting to pile up’
Sue Barker & Tim Henman dissing Toy Story 2! Naaaaaaah, leave it.
I hate it when people judge me based on stereotypes. "oh hes so talented and handsome, he cant be incredibly smart too." wrong, bigot. I am.
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This is literally the best thing I've ever seen happen on Twitter
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Genuinely love lightning & thunder, except when I’m out in the highly unwaterproof attire
Big fan of cocktails right here. Love ‘em.
Hot as balls on the tube. I am in hell.
Love it when a chainsaw wielding stranger jumps out from behind a hedge to make a joke about me being tall.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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a "free taxidermy" sign isn't very subtle, it's a dead giveaway
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big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
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ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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tbh I thought it said saloon but I couldn't be happier with these highlights, debra, thank you
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Need freeze pops. Stat.
The entire British small talk industry is built on a solid foundation of weather chat.
Londoners are incapable of not moaning about the weather - 61% of all conversation in the city at any given time is weather based moaning.
Got some exciting plans for the bonus extra second later. Can’t wait.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority" cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
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Bare toasty today. Man’s gettin’ grilled!
Sleep is bad therefore unbearably hot bedrooms are extremely my shit

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