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Rob Webb
"You're sure that's the right word?" "Like, 80% sure, yeah." "Print it." pic.twitter.com/RyteF8V2ko
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Most important life lesson to take from GoT is that you shouldn't like anything ever. Become an emotionless robot with no feelings.
[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
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I think Imagine Dragons should probably Mackle less
holy shit every person in Imagine Dragons is just a macklemore from a different universe pic.twitter.com/QVhGpYhDvQ
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Love to be alone on the driveway with just my thoughts & my magnificent mane for company... twitter.com/billyraycyrus/…
Two large gins, two pints of cider. Ice in the cider.
ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
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[holds up ring] Will you marry me? OMG YES [slips ring on finger] [she gains +2 intelligence and changes her mind]
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This truly is the perfect tweet, though I wonder if I would have recognized that when I was an idiot teenager. twitter.com/animaldrumss/s…
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So white people shouldn't pretend to be black for personal gain.....learn something every day
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Will never get used to the late night odyssey from Hackney. And post gig wine has very much not helped.
[game show] HOST: Congratulations you've won an airplane ME: Nice HOST: What will you use it for? ME: [runs hand along side of plane] Crime
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Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you'll end up ruining things like you always do, but how?! The possibilities are endless.
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[undoes GFs bra first time] "wow have you been practicing?" don't be ridiculous [me and dog exchange glances]
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Not sure how I feel about my mum using social media acronyms.
Could definitely get used to doing more hip hop gigs! #wednesdayraving
To WIN one of our NEW T-Shirts Simply Follow, RT & Fav this image - We will pick 2 winners #TweetYourMeat :-) pic.twitter.com/ldhnIlbzdn
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Just found this massive syringe at my local park, right beside where the kids play football. Absolutely disgusting. pic.twitter.com/NBgRuVNppg
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On a scale of one to ten (walls), how bad is your Monday
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Successfully eaten 1.37 times my bodyweight in Indian food. I am now immobile.
Lovely sweaty sheen over Bethnal Green today. Summer's officially here...and it stings the nostrils.
Stan's a bad ass, no Djoke #FrenchOpenFinal
Dwayne Rooney's touch is heavier than Shamu on steroids. #threelines
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*holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today "both are nice" [wife calls later] "how'd it go" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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Love to be paid to sit on my ass & 'supervise' (do nothing) all evening. #hotdogsorlegs pic.twitter.com/XuPldNaAB0
Michel Platini loves a bit of face touching
Barcelona's celebrations slightly muted after receiving the knowledge that this is Andy Townsend's last game for ITV.
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[EARLIER THAT WEEK] AMERICA, DRUNK: "I'm gonna...I'm gonna arrest soccer." FRIEND: "You can't arrest soccer." A: "The hell I can't."
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WOW! A chance to WIN a £100 @MuscleFoodUK Hamper, just follow the rules below! Good luck #MFFOOTY pic.twitter.com/b6mn2uKtVU
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*gives up seat on bus for an old lady* *whispers in her ear* "This isn't over"
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Same, only without the sarcasm twitter.com/bbewbor/status…
[wife opens grocery list and realizes it's my rap battle lyrics] oh no [me to some teens in parking lot] eggs and bacon I gots y'all shakin'
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One of the easier gigs I've ever done, about mid table in terms of weirdness. Three thumbs up.
Open mic night...with a twist. A weird, Edinburgh-y, Fringe-y twist.
Londoners love a bit of rush hour argy bargy on the overground.
The moon is really big & bright & low & cool. Please enjoy this terrible blurry pic badly illustrating it. pic.twitter.com/Csgym21ywX
Best thing about it being June is how the weather's extremely summery.
ANY FAMILY MEMBER FOUND DISOBEYING THE PINTEREST FAMILY MANIFESTO FOR A SECOND TIME WILL BE EXECUTED. pic.twitter.com/kzVK71d3e5
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"anyone for turkey burgers?" turkey: well sure haha "oh, it's not a burger for turkeys" turkey: what is it then "uhh" turkey: say it
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The World Cup sponsors must be furious with that Qatar deaths graphic that's going round. Hope this version helps... pic.twitter.com/NM8cgKjP0p
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So Sepp Blatter's not quite as cartoonishly villainous as everyone thought. Praise Jebus!




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