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Love to be out & about in Shoreditch on a school night #uhoh
When someone tells me to have a safe flight it's like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
I’m under the weather. In the literal sense that the atmosphere is above me. And also the figurative sense.
Just saw a guy performing an exorcism outside Tesco #sundayfunday
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[Batman at McDonald's]
What's your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
It was tough but managed to get a seat for We Are Your Friends
Hello Facebook. Yes, this is actually Lindsay. Welcome to my Facebook page!
So good that they said no after pursuing him forever. Really extremely good. #deadlineday twitter.com/ManUtdMEN/stat…
Get to enjoy De Gea angrily sulking on the bench for a few more months at least
Ah, so Madrid are just as good at signing players as Utd twitter.com/ManUtdMEN/stat…
Universe has decided to epically troll me in granting my wish of watching De Gea, Bale, Ronaldo & Ramos play on the same team #owned #mufc
I definitely haven’t only heard of Anthony Martial from playing FIFA. He was quality for…y’know, that team he was at last season.
(watching a movie in the theater, i see 4 actors at once) squad goals. (leans to guy next to me) thats one of the goals i have for my squad
Romero has had a nightmare. Comes, stays, doesn't set his feet and ball rolls in.
Well, at least I can take comfort in the fact that De Gea almost certainly would’ve saved that
donald trump looks like the villain in a movie where the hero is a dog
Yep, leaving strikers totally unmarked is definitely the best way to defend.
Third time lucky for @juanmata8
⚽️ get in! #SWAMUN
Neighbour down the road’s obviously having a wild bank holiday #jealous
Cheers for the delivery Tesco. Don’t actually recall ordering a shitload of Lucozade, nappies & cat litter though.
Genie: and for your third wish?
Me slamming down my fork after finishing my second cheesecake: TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS BUDDY
a grindr but for nearby puppies to pet
The Dornald seem to be pro bird; his head a bird nest.
‘Nicolas Cage’s Nose’ is a fantastic song title, but no, the song isn’t as good as you imagine.
Bassist & keys player hate each other & not a good job of hiding it. Fun gig ahead.
The champions league title run has begun! Just need Bale & Neymar to sign like they definitely 100% actually will.
Always remember, a document written by slave owning white men is more important than human life
we steal the moon
when i said "netflix n chill," i meant "netflix n chill". stop tryna kiss me. watch this 9/11 conspiracy theory documentary or get out
You liked Ed Miliband before his beard? Name 5 of his songs
Well, 1 goal in 3 games is all the evidence I need that we’re perfectly fine without a proper striker. Best get some more midfielders #mufc
Sweaty as in Londres today. Every surface, human or otherwise, is glistening with it.
Especially tomorrow English results twitter.com/BBCR1/status/6…
Good that Utd have been hoodwinked by Chelsea. Pedro is a giant spoon.
Love to be linked with every player in the world & foolishly get my hopes up twitter.com/SkySportsNewsH…
2days, 1 funeral, many beers, back to Londres
It's the 46th Anniversary Apollo 11 moon landing. Mankind's first small step-The next giant leap will be #Mars #GYATM
Delayed train, missed last tube. Loving life #blessed
Yeeeeeeesssssssssss, love a good delayed train.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
DATE: I'm leaving
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don't
D: You're doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"
"Phil, I mustache u a question. Get it? Cuz u have a mustache."
-I get it, Amy. I understand jokes.
-Amy, I muffin top u a question.
*early humans discovering sleepiness* noooo!! what is this, im shutting down? dying??? *waking up later* wow, i love that. gonna do it a lot
Family reunion. Many, many beers. #uhoh