Last train missed, bus from Trafalgar Sq only option. Hate world. Revenge soon. Take out on everyone.
Too much alcomohol consumed this weekend #rough
Huge fan of the Northern line being closed.
Drinking & hangover advice from random old biddie on the train. Obviously hiding it well.
Duff-inately hit a Homer with this purchase #duff #beer #simpsons #homer
After the long journey, they'd finally arrived. There it was. The Writer's block. It shone with a...a...well...it shone with a....fuck
That Miley Cyrus Halloween costume you're planning to wear would have been extremely relevant for about three days two months ago.
Unfortunately no fun story behind that.
‘Nice fingers’ - compliment I just received from a random girl at a bus stop
Tell you what’s not fun - packing! Big 👎 Amirite guys? That’s my#relatable
e observation of the day#realtalk
Brixton Academy's no prison, but these boys are definitely a riot #bastille #live #brixtonacademy #gig #music #brixton #london #uk
Bastille smashed it mate.
does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
Giveaway: Win an unlocked 64GB Gold iPhone 5s from 9to5Mac & dbrand wp.me/p1xtr9-1e1B
*Walks into French museum eating a Big Mac* I'm Louvrein' It! *no laughs* Did u hear me I said I'm Louv- *trips & spills shake on Mona Lisa*
I've had it! We are breaking up up down down left right left right b a! *she gasps* I can't believe you'd cheat on me!
Too many snakebites for breakfast.
8am Sunday, on my way to the bar. Cheers.
Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
"Simon says sit down"
"Simon says touch your head"
"Will the real slim shady please stand up?"
Dre whispers "it's a trick em"
Your authority is not recognised in Fort Kickass.
Whoa. Chicken Cottage has had a makeover. Everything’s shiny & accompanied by smooth jazz #smooth #chicken
How to Use an Elevator
Step 1: Uh ok off to a bad start
Step 2: This isn't right
Step 3: Yea looks like you took the stairs
iOS 7 workin’ like a charm so far. Stay tuned for more exciting updates on my life.
Replace the Ts in Tim Tebow's name with any other consonant to get a Star Wars character
george zimmerman is the real life version of that simpsons episode where homer gets a gun and joins the NRA
So glad I didn’t get paid today. Working for free is a passion of mine.
Reads 70 characters of a tweet *puts in bookmark* *goes to bed*
‘Sun’s out guns out!’ I yell as I mug strangers in Hyde Park
Not only is that last tweet not topical, it’s probably been done about a trillion times already.
Mars rover killed the cat. Martian cats?!
*black & white footage of a man easily sliding 3DS into his pants pocket*
*looks at camera*
There has to be a worse way!
Paella is a fun thing to say & also to eat.
all the best rappers know what year it is and also their name
Here’s a cheeky one for you: Just saw Halifax & Barclays working on their tans by the pool! Get it? You see, ‘cause today’s a bank ho
Sober as a judge, yet feeling rough as a badger’s arse? Sick as a dog. #similes
Perfect 'night bus across London while sober' music #hell
Hoxton/Dalston at night is the only place that makes me feel simultaneously under & over dressed.
dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun
Russians/Lithuanians know how to drink. Help.
First DJ (almost) disaster thanks to crap equipment, but survived to smash it 💪
i am STEAMED about the actor they chose to play a billionaire in a bat costume that beats up jerks in that movie i don't have to watch
Billy where is your homework? "im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it"