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Don't want to go hoverboard with the praise, but these were great, Scott. Throw-Back to the Future of cupcakes. #tbt #bttf #cupcakes #pinacolada #hoverboard #bday #cake #sandhyathanyouraveragebday
This article appears to have been written by The World's Most Credulous Journalist
NEWS! 4 out of 5 Brits have sympathy for the morons who get their news from The Sun bit.ly/1MMYFT2
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
DEUTSCHE FUSSBALL MEISTER! #MUFC
Rojo’s a top shelf muppet #MUFC
Has a @SouthernRailUK
train ever not been delayed?
Out (not out out) in Brixton #uhoh
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
—You a private eye?
That’s what the blue neon sign says out front.
—It’s argon. Neon glows orange.
V.O.: From the start, she was trouble.
My man just working his way through a double pack of custard creams on the train #fridaynight
Would greatly appreciate it if @SouthernRailUK
could go all the way to hell with their delays & cancellations.
Big fan of public transport not working
Too many alcohols in the local boozer #uhoh
My catch some flak for saying this, but in my opinion, fireworks are good.
Love to go on triple dates
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That's Chappie
Flew into foggy London. Views are beautiful - this is the Shard and all the towers in the city
Extremely unoriginal & very shoddy Jason costume thrown together last minute #🎃
Love to be involved in an Uber cat crash. Living the dream. #saturdaynight
*crests a hill* hey dudes
Happy Birthtime to wonderful dancing DRAKE! 47 today! Happy Birthtime Jake! Honk if You’re Horny!
Love to receive birthday texts from Indian restaurants I’ve never heard of 2 months after my bday #blessed
The letter I received from Tinker today. Thanks @Nike
I’m one of the people exploding with rage at not getting an expensive Pepsi bottle. My life is ruined & I vow to destroy Pepsi.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Cocktail consumption reaching obscene levels of late #uhoh
Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop"
Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-"
Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"
Love to eat zebra, crickets, crocodile & raw python #dinner
kowabunga dudettes. i'm so pumped to be on this surfing kick. who else surfs out there? gnarly day in the h2o. ridin waves!
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
“Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?”
“Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.”
“Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.”
Amazing how the haters & losers keep tweeting the name “F**kface Von Clownstick” like they are so original & like no one else is doing it...
Oxford St Xmas lights getting switched on Nov 1st. That should be illegal.
kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours
‘Totally unrelated to cakes, but just thought we’d mention it anyway ‘cause y’know, Muslims’
Free cocktails. Cheap cocktails. All the cocktails. #uhoh #LCW15
Love to be miles from home on a Sunday night
boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
Dangerous levels of schadenfreude twitter.com/premierleague/…
This post game interview is the greatest I’ve ever seen. It’s like a ridiculous Jose parody.