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Mince Pie-res
Love to tweet inane garbage on the reg.
"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?" "Yes."
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Christmas shopping in progress. Christmas gin infusing. Mince pies scoffed. Santa Claus may or may not be coming to town.
Got the gazebo up the garden, just in time for summer.
Glad the Suarez saga is over. Not surprised how it ended. The club will be better off without him.
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*cop frisking me* Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?" Uh, no Cop: "OW!" *baby porcupine jumps out* RUN POKEY, RUN
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*notices zipper is down* OMG! *zips it up* FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself
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'Romeo Dunn' is how I'd describe this game if I wanted to make a decade old, obscure pop culture reference.
Actually, don't need Smalling.
Comfortable, lemon squeezy even. Who needs Di Maria, Falcao, Herrera, Blind, Shaw, Rojo, Rafael, Smalling...
Today I went to the cat cafe in Shoreditch & can confirm it is amazing & awesome.
"Son sit down, we don't know how to say this... We think you might be a three toed sloth" *son takes 15 minutes to sit down*
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Wild Friday night. #☕️
Announcer guy at Victoria is getting snarky. Don't think he's having a fun Friday.
Disappointing to see lots of people wearing normal clothes on this most sacred & holy, arbitrarily chosen holiday, National Xmas Jumper Day.
Who ate all the (mince) pies? Me. I did. I ate them all. More please.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
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I think I dislike the word 'gnome' more than I dislike gnomes, however both are not good.
Goal itself was world class though, I'll give him that.
Ramsey's second was pretty special. Cue the 'he's world class' chat.
Hit my head on a doorway & made myself bleed my own blood. Perils of being a clumsy idiot giant.
Amazing result. Mike Ashley's level of smugness & unfounded confidence at an all time high.
6 mins injury time? C'mon now pal.
Newcastle are 6ish mins away from making my day 🙌
2 goals for Cisse and Newcastle double their lead against Chelsea, and I'm not taking the Papiss.
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Tonight's got that swing, therefore, according to logic, it means a thing.
The fabled triple denim. It exists. It's real & I have witnessed it.
1% battery left. Still out in the hostile wilderness of Nightbusland. Pray for me.
Uuuugggggghhhh night bus(es)
Home ETA sometime between 2-3am & wishing I'd jumped in quiet car.
Finnnnnaaaaaalllllyyyyyy on a train...
Love a good train delay
Boyz II Men killed it
If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they're someone new entirely. You don't have to say hi
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Love a Christmas market. Primarily because I like beer & German food. I can take or leave the trinkets & what nots.
Bit Xmas-y in Birmingham ladies & gents
Some lil' tyke just spied my #trainsnack & now he's whining away to his mum. Glad to be of service.
one thing I ain't is a bent cop. I don't take no bribes [a criminal offers me some smashed up stale bagels] wow thanks ur totally free to go
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Attention @heatworld - Farral Wolliams shops in Topman, caught him red hatted #farral #bigredhat
This guy right here, big fan of early morningzzzzzz💤
[in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope
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Pretty sure the last one said 'duck off' as in duck down because I'm tall & my head's cut off in the pic. Thanks for the advice friend.
Photobombing selfies all the way down Oxford St #thuglife
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.
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Above average levels of Disney & MJ in the house this evening. This a very good thing.
How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren't Real
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