[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
just to clarify: it is not a blankie
it is an heirloom piece of darth vader's cape and i don't technically NEED it to fall asleep
Billboard Chart, 15 years ago:
1. Glue on my Dick--Blink 182
2. Horrrrrny--Christina Aguileira
3. AIM Away Message (My Heart)--98 Degrees
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I'm a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Massive error getting an Uber tonight. Gonna be stuck in traffic for all of eternity.
Didn’t lose at least. Point’s a point at the end of the day. If anything, for me, we played too well. Cliches make me feel better. #mufc
Good that Utd v Chelsea is now a dire fixture of direness
I wonder what it's like to be a giraffe…
Good to see Utd emulating Chelsea’s form in advance of Mourinho arriving #MUFC #ugh
Made & eating the Moist Maker. Ross needed to chill out, it’s not that great.
Gonna be a Jedi when I grow up
Limoncello, grappa, bubbles, wine, help #uhoh #Christmas
Being drunk transitioning into actual Xmas is the beessssstttttttt #cheers
Love to drink many beers and alcohols on the eve of Christmas #cheers
Got an advent calendar just in time. Only 24 chocs to catch up.
Is President T a real president? I only grab music by elected officials.
Thank you for this. You’ve changed my life. All my meals are perfect now. I am unstoppable.
South Bank Cider Lodge Monday session London Eye in the background times #🍻E
Travel news: @SouthernRailUK
trains are literally always delayed, and will be for all of eternity.
Utd are so good. Losing to Bournemouth is a good thing that is fine & good.
Being released in Dec doesn’t make a song a Christmas one. Looking at you East 17.
Throwback to when I slithered into Archipelago for a taste of ze exotic, bra. Snappy service, was bugged all evening. Still, water dinner. #archipelago #python #zebra #crocodile #crickets #exotic #dinner #fitzrovia #london #tbt
This bald eagle is a hero
Last few minutes of the Trump petition. When it reaches 100,000 names Parliament is obliged to consider it. petition.parliament.uk/petitions/1140…
Don’t even like the Champions League anyway, whatever.
Good that the defence has fallen to pieces for the CL. Love to concede in Europe #mufc
Just watched Frozen in an enchanted woodland & it was magical #backyardcinema #winterville
Feeling all warm & fuzzy inside twitter.com/paddypower/sta…
Another goalless game with practically no chances. Love it. #mufc
Free mince pies #cheers #thedream
When the 1st guy gave the peace sign the other guy must have been like "how many things does this asshole think he can point to at once?"
Pre-opening preview of @LaCabinaBar
last night - recommended if you’re a fan of tall cocktails, small plates & candlelit basements.
The dawn of December 1st arrives.
The door of Michael Buble's cage is unlocked.
He flinches from the light.
It is time.
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait*
omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
Apparently I’m selling Uggs on FB now. Crazy limited time. All boots sells on.
Saw Romeo Dunn & Lisa Maffia do ‘21 Seconds’ last night and yes, it was as ridiculous & amazing as it sounds.
Hanging like a chandelier today #romeodunn
Don't want to go hoverboard with the praise, but these were great, Scott. Throw-Back to the Future of cupcakes. #tbt #bttf #cupcakes #pinacolada #hoverboard #bday #cake #sandhyathanyouraveragebday
This article appears to have been written by The World's Most Credulous Journalist
NEWS! 4 out of 5 Brits have sympathy for the morons who get their news from The Sun bit.ly/1MMYFT2
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no