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It's the 46th Anniversary Apollo 11 moon landing. Mankind's first small step-The next giant leap will be #Mars #GYATM
Delayed train, missed last tube. Loving life #blessed
Yeeeeeeesssssssssss, love a good delayed train.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
DATE: I'm leaving
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don't
D: You're doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"
"Phil, I mustache u a question. Get it? Cuz u have a mustache."
-I get it, Amy. I understand jokes.
-Amy, I muffin top u a question.
*early humans discovering sleepiness* noooo!! what is this, im shutting down? dying??? *waking up later* wow, i love that. gonna do it a lot
Family reunion. Many, many beers. #uhoh
Love it when a carrier bag disintegrates in the middle of a busy road. Cheers to the bus driver for not running my food over.
Lol at presumably many people deciding that Sterling is worth £49m
Big(ger) Andy Roddick fan this Wimbledon. Top punditry.
Man Unity to go get Bastian Schweinscneiderlin. #franchiseenhancement
A cat heroically struggling to call 911 with his paws while you watch, dying and helpless on the floor, but he's using the tv remote
Federer has been borderline perfect. Tempted to stick a fork in Murray.
Sometimes if you say "Wow, you're tall!" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash
haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.
In my opinion, tube strikes, are, in fact, actually, extremely good.
Whoa just realized
‘Alright girls, you’ve had your fun, but the washing & ironing’s really starting to pile up’
Greece. The inevitable poster.
(done for @HuffPostUKCom
Sue Barker & Tim Henman dissing Toy Story 2! Naaaaaaah, leave it.
I hate it when people judge me based on stereotypes. "oh hes so talented and handsome, he cant be incredibly smart too." wrong, bigot. I am.
This is literally the best thing I've ever seen happen on Twitter
Genuinely love lightning & thunder, except when I’m out in the highly unwaterproof attire
Big fan of cocktails right here. Love ‘em.
Hot as balls on the tube. I am in hell.
Love it when a chainsaw wielding stranger jumps out from behind a hedge to make a joke about me being tall.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
a "free taxidermy" sign isn't very subtle, it's a dead giveaway
big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
SCIENCE: This is true.
HALF OF AMERICA: No.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
tbh I thought it said saloon but I couldn't be happier with these highlights, debra, thank you
It is too hot to do any work, warn experts thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/i…
The entire British small talk industry is built on a solid foundation of weather chat.
Londoners are incapable of not moaning about the weather - 61% of all conversation in the city at any given time is weather based moaning.
Got some exciting plans for the bonus extra second later. Can’t wait.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority"
cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
Bare toasty today. Man’s gettin’ grilled!
Sleep is bad therefore unbearably hot bedrooms are extremely my shit