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Pires
I hope this isn’t a sign of another Kanye autotune phase. No more please. Leave that nonsense in ‘08 with T-Pain.
*gets waitress's phone number* *texts her before meal is over* "Napkins????"
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The comeback’s on!
Villa have scored a goal! Turns out they are actually aware that’s what you have to do in football.
“Make it look like I have Lego hair, cheers mate” pic.twitter.com/bkVAj8lqbD
.@Nigel_Farage @MarrShow ill be on the toilet at 9:00am having a more intelligent talk with my turds
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So, you want be a serious journalist here at BuzzFeed? Give us 79 reasons why, and make them about Chandler from "Friends", or Taylor Swift…
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Double hangover. I brought this on myself. #struggling
Love to overpay for beverages in Kensington.
Franco Manca is great & I love it. #🍕
If Middlesbrough beat City that’d be excellent & great.
To quote a guy I met on a park bench once, the best hangover cure is more beers #cheers
Wore far too heavy a coat tonight, it’s hindering my movements. #throwingshapes
All about blending in with the douchebag students in Clapham on a Friday.
Avoided Infernos, but somehow ended up in Revs. #alcohol
Half of Soho closes at 11 on a Friday. That’s really good & fun.
Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?
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I will be eating lots of meat & drinking some beverages later and I am excited about both of these things #bodeans #beers
Tom Brady says he ‘didn’t alter the balls in anyway’ - claims he is not a ball alterer #alterballs
When seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.
Top prank by The Sun. Had everyone thinking it wasn’t complete trash for about 4 days there.
He could retire before he’s a legal adult & never have to work.
Martin Odegaard is 16 & will make more in a week than the average person makes in 2.5 years because he’s very good at kicking a ball.
DOG: [experiencing the world as a dazzling ocean of sensory stimuli] Bark! Bark bark! MAN: [googles 'why won't my stupid dog shut up?']
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5 trains & counting, no room. Not too many things I hate more than the Northern line during rush hour.
Replace Page 3 with a daily cat picture. It'll sell more newspapers and have three times the nipples. You can't argue with that.
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I for one will miss reading Kirsty, 22, from Essex’s one sentence solution to the Middle East crisis.
Page 3 gone? Oh no, that’s a shame. Whatever will the poor readers do? Cry? Stare into middle distance longingly? Read the news perhaps?
There's nothing more American than a burger chain finding a way to profit off mass murder
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The worst part of ‘Blue Monday’ is everybody constantly referring to it as ‘Blue Monday’ #BlueMonday
A great part of the NFL playoffs are the rendered useless losers Super Bowl shirts & hats.
#GBvsSEA weren’t playing games! Other than the game of football. #serious
Haha Clinton-Dix is a strong contender for best name in all of sports.
I THINK, HITLER,GOEBBELS,GORING,HIMMLER,& HESS ARE LIVING IN ICLOUD….
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the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the Top Gun volleyball scene
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Arsenal must’ve caught wind of Henry dissing them pregame.
Addicted to Dinner Date. Help.
Ladies & gents, it’s masterchef (me) & martini night.
Lego Movie not even nominated for best animated movie?! This is some grade A bullhickey.
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
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[parent/teacher meeting] "you must've read to him as a baby" *leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby
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Ronaldo this year ⚽️ maybe next year 😢#BallonDOr20144
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The sacred Creme Egg recipe has been tampered with. Some people just want to watch the world burn.
David Luiz?! Ah, must be that other, good David Luiz.
.@DibleyDog @CNNMoney @CNN Please identify these no go areas so I know not to go there. A map would be useful too as I’m a moron.