Want to Grow Your
Social Media, Free?
"You're sure that's the right word?"
"Like, 80% sure, yeah."
"Print it." pic.twitter.com/RyteF8V2ko
Most important life lesson to take from GoT is that you shouldn't like anything ever. Become an emotionless robot with no feelings.
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"
I think Imagine Dragons should probably Mackle less
holy shit every person in Imagine Dragons is just a macklemore from a different universe pic.twitter.com/QVhGpYhDvQ
Love to be alone on the driveway with just my thoughts & my magnificent mane for company... twitter.com/billyraycyrus/…
Two large gins, two pints of cider. Ice in the cider.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[holds up ring]
Will you marry me?
[slips ring on finger]
[she gains +2 intelligence and changes her mind]
This truly is the perfect tweet, though I wonder if I would have recognized that when I was an idiot teenager. twitter.com/animaldrumss/s…
So white people shouldn't pretend to be black for personal gain.....learn something every day
Will never get used to the late night odyssey from Hackney. And post gig wine has very much not helped.
HOST: Congratulations you've won an airplane
HOST: What will you use it for?
ME: [runs hand along side of plane] Crime
Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you'll end up ruining things like you always do, but how?! The possibilities are endless.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
"wow have you been practicing?"
don't be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Not sure how I feel about my mum using social media acronyms.
Could definitely get used to doing more hip hop gigs! #wednesdayraving
To WIN one of our NEW T-Shirts Simply Follow, RT & Fav this image - We will pick 2 winners #TweetYourMeat
Just found this massive syringe at my local park, right beside where the kids play football. Absolutely disgusting. pic.twitter.com/NBgRuVNppg
On a scale of one to ten (walls), how bad is your Monday
Successfully eaten 1.37 times my bodyweight in Indian food. I am now immobile.
Lovely sweaty sheen over Bethnal Green today. Summer's officially here...and it stings the nostrils.
Stan's a bad ass, no Djoke #FrenchOpenFinal
Dwayne Rooney's touch is heavier than Shamu on steroids. #threelines
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
"both are nice"
[wife calls later]
"how'd it go"
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Love to be paid to sit on my ass & 'supervise' (do nothing) all evening. #hotdogsorlegs pic.twitter.com/XuPldNaAB0
Michel Platini loves a bit of face touching
Barcelona's celebrations slightly muted after receiving the knowledge that this is Andy Townsend's last game for ITV.
[EARLIER THAT WEEK]
AMERICA, DRUNK: "I'm gonna...I'm gonna arrest soccer."
FRIEND: "You can't arrest soccer."
A: "The hell I can't."
WOW! A chance to WIN a £100 @MuscleFoodUK
Hamper, just follow the rules below! Good luck #MFFOOTY pic.twitter.com/b6mn2uKtVU
*gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
*whispers in her ear*
"This isn't over"
Same, only without the sarcasm twitter.com/bbewbor/status…
[wife opens grocery list and realizes it's my rap battle lyrics] oh no
[me to some teens in parking lot] eggs and bacon I gots y'all shakin'
One of the easier gigs I've ever done, about mid table in terms of weirdness. Three thumbs up.
Open mic night...with a twist. A weird, Edinburgh-y, Fringe-y twist.
Londoners love a bit of rush hour argy bargy on the overground.
The moon is really big & bright & low & cool. Please enjoy this terrible blurry pic badly illustrating it. pic.twitter.com/Csgym21ywX
Best thing about it being June is how the weather's extremely summery.
ANY FAMILY MEMBER FOUND DISOBEYING THE PINTEREST FAMILY MANIFESTO FOR A SECOND TIME WILL BE EXECUTED. pic.twitter.com/kzVK71d3e5
"anyone for turkey burgers?"
turkey: well sure haha
"oh, it's not a burger for turkeys"
turkey: what is it then
turkey: say it
The World Cup sponsors must be furious with that Qatar deaths graphic that's going round. Hope this version helps... pic.twitter.com/NM8cgKjP0p
So Sepp Blatter's not quite as cartoonishly villainous as everyone thought. Praise Jebus!