Try a burger. Made em fresh uh today.
I stare into the bathroom mirror and scream, "Bloody Mary!" 3 times, & yet my wife doesn't hear me, so I have to go make my own.
Come down for a burger folks. pic.twitter.com/e0vdU52whY
Come on guys. This is mean. pic.twitter.com/obuXiSaVA9
Better company than burgers. Just throw up over the railing. Pretty simple.
*tell hilarious Mark McGrath joke* *realize I'm in a dangerous "Sugar Ray" bar* *get my ass kicked by 20 guys named Dillon*
: We should combine Honey Boo Boo Child with Shark Week. One episode. #TLC #HoneyBooBoo #teamfollowback #funny
PGA, I got Rory. I hope Tiger wins it though. #PGA
: I wrote a blog about things that aren't necessary in life and the pure irony made my computer explode.
Birds don't have to buy tickets to baseball games. Fucking bull-shit.
I've never been in a basement. Spiders?
I think Kim Kardashian and I would get along great considering I'm an Aquarius and she's a whore.
#funny #comedy #ff
: Roe Vs Wade was one of the most important, ah who's kidding, I don't know anything about the UFC.
Stevie Nicks, first meteorologist/sports anchor.... "Thunder only happens when it's raining...players only love you when they're playing."
Does "but it was for a Klondike Bar" stand in up in court?
Bono finally found what he was looking for in that song. (It was a Sunglass Hut)
The tip jar at the circumcision store is gross.
I like my salad with country fried steak on top, but hold all the lettucey stuff and add a little gravy.
: If I was half the fighter Floyd Mayweather Jr. is I'd probably be the world's smallest boxer. #funny #boxing #mayweather #joke
My 2 favorite Kardashians are probably the Andre the Giant lookin one and Casey Anthony.
The hardest part of the pediatrician to family doctor transition was getting used to being the only one in the room that was naked.
Hey guys, how do expect to get laid if you're not practicing karate in the backyard?
I like girls that are out-going and full of spunk. Really, really full of spunk.
It's mid February and I'm still signing my checks 'Jack Izdickehof.'
I know it would be sad if your wife died, but I bet it would be much, much sadder if she was super hot. #PreachingDaTruth
.[RS] Re- Sweet: @MoMohler
We just Sweeted your Tweet. Hope u like! bit.ly/x6uxvm #wesingyourtweets
Asians ask for a 'doggy bag' too, they just order it off the menu.
Quit reading this tweet and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLAY YOUR TURN ON WORDS WITH FRIENDS!
"You got your spit all over the butt of my fag!" - two British guys sharing a cigarette, probably.
The only two things that really happen to a chicken are...1. breeding 2. breading.