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michael
"I hate children, they're like undeveloped humans"-@AtypicalDouche
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i learned today why it is important to check your blind spot before switching lanes
#Teens: Are you #positive your #Latino friends are #cool to #vote? Ask to see some #ID just in case!
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if you're not tailgating the person in front of you, you shouldn't be in the fast lane
im confused why people go grocery shopping when quesadillas at chipotle are $4
If you have enemies, don't hurt them. Instead give them frequent flyer passes to Malyasia Airlines.
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no turn on red aka look around to see if a cop is watching
so jen's landlord came into the apartment to inspect damages for the security deposit and she literally woke us up from jens birthday party
me while walking: car drivers are such douche bags me while driving: fuck pedestrians
seriously probably the best communicated non audible conversation i have ever had. she's still a bitch though.
i just had the equivilant of a screaming match on the highway with a woman via extensive middle finger uses and hand gestures
if you're ever feeling like you are really good at everything you do, try eating string cheese with lotion on your hands
remember kids, it only takes one cautious soccer mom to slow literally all traffic in madison
typical interactions at work: guest: do you have any decaf coffee? me: umm can't you see im trying to slay this level of candy crush
"the closest thing i have had to a relationship is the pillow pet sitting in my room" - @jennnallen
guys, my new favorite nba team is the cavs. totally not a coincidence because my relatives kinda live near there so it's legit
every time i think i could potentially have a child, i go to the zoo and realize i was completely mistaken
a black woman just asked me if we have doritos for the oatmeal #done
i urge everyone to ask themselves today: "is it really necessary to post fireworks to my snapchat story?"
why isn't everyone familiar with the debate vernacular? it would make conversations with muggles so much easier.
can israel stop doing irrational things for like five seconds plz
"one time i came back and the room smelled like thai food, so i think my roommate had sex"
i would be such a great ambulance driver
Discussing cat names such as Susan and Mackenzie with @AtypicalDouche ... KENZIE!!
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to all the people who try and skip everyone waiting then merge at the last second: your house in hell just turned into a trailer.
everybody hates the whiney bitch on house hunters that complains about going 5k over budget then gives up the best house bc of it
challenge of my job: fulfilling all responsibilities solely during food network commercials
"your loyalty means nothing to people because the second you aren't useful to them, you're out"
Trying to kill time at the hospital, @AtypicalDouche & I went searching for the newborn wing. Let's just say it's easier said than done
Retweeted by michael
"you don't go jessica simpson when you've got rihanna"
i. hate. hospitals.
Discussing the sexual effects of various types of facial hair on men with my sister @AtypicalDouche and we have varying opinions on beards
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i still haven't seen frozen
watching fault in our stars in a movie theatre alone with @jennnallen and @Alex_Delvoye. we brought wine, obviously.
"cold water boils faster than warm water" 👀
good guys always finish last
next woman comes in and changes channel to ellen. we can be friends.
woman waiting with me during oil change: "ugh now we have to finish the iraq war because we didn't before" me: 👀
"if we are on the roof, do we tan faster because we are closer to the sun?" um
south facing windows in my bedroom are the shit i dont like. too bright too early.
fake it till you make it
PSA to all bugs that forget our agreement: if i am made aware of your existence, i will end it.
i have a lot of respect for television shows that continually kill main characters to keep me on my toes. despite that, it pisses me off.
"intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings" forever my favorite quote
the meal isn't over when you're full.
third parking ticket in six days to bring the amount of money i owe the city of madison to $100 #casual
easily the most under dressed person at biaggi's right now. fuck polos, i'm here to eat.