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*enjoys the calm before the storm of ed sheeran snapchat stories*
just finishing a run seems like a good excuse to eat a second burrito today
i'm pretty sure my starbucks order is longer than my resumΓ©
if you can't name the coworker everyone hates, you are the coworker that everyone hates
i brought a smirnoff ice in case things weren't going well #FYI
i'm glad that gays can finally move on to a new pain in the ass that isn't dealing with the marriage equality fight thanks to SCOTUS
i need a henchman, but mainly just a dd who is readily accessible
oscar the gay orchid 🌈
i had an existential crisis when i realized i couldn't call myself a grubby teen anymore
high school: do you have a piece of gum college: do you have a cigarette
adios saint louis 🍹
enjoying some scotch in the big ole d
appleton east debate has accomplished so much this year that no one expected us to and that is just really fucking awesome #proudcoach
Cole and Kedrick lose in round 10 of the NSDA tournament putting them in the top 35! Fantastic season overall! #GoPatriots
Retweeted by michael
psa: drunkards discussing white privilege in a bar in texas has officially become my worst nightmare
im starting to understand why our street was named shade tree lane 🌳
*gets messaged by uw professor on grindr*
you know who gets more retweets than you? @UberFacts. just let that one sink in a little bit.
my asian kitchen driver legitimately looked like jesus. is this some sort of sick joke
it continually amazes me how every snapchat update still lacks the function of preset groups you can send snaps to
melissa mccarthy movies are literally just a funnier version of the seth rogan film genre
@Not_All_Men_ but im more than happy to be your angry feminist archetype for your next blog post, i could use the followers.
Retweeted by michael
timely notice: caitlyn jenner is hot
run puff rest ➑️ puff repeat pass
someone ACTUALLY posted this to facebook.........
literally just stumbled upon three guys taking pictures of their flacid dicks TOGETHER in front of the capitol πŸ‘€
im a vegetarian except for bugs
i thought this was the farmers market not the baked goods market πŸ‘€
rhode island: the sideshow to massachusetts
to the girl who i met while taking care of my passed out roommate, believes burrito time is anytime, and shares my immense need to constantly drink wine, i wish the best of birthdays πŸ’•
im trying out a new diet: i don't eat the food that falls out of my burritos
summer: i'll have a venti bud light please
why does donald trump always pull these shenanigans around primary season
friendly reminder that the nfl takes deflated balls more seriously than domestic violence.
Retweeted by michael
beginning of summer = end of temporary sobriety 🍺🍸🍷
halfway done with college!
apparently linda wasn't pleased with my mother's day tweet
procrastination level: looked up porn star salaries
me studying: *skips over something* oh well, that probably won't be on the final anyways
she's got a fierce wardrobe, tiger mom-ish tendencies and 2/3 of the lungs she should. the one and only, linda. #HMD
breakdown of michael's study habits: 2% studying 17% eating 81% audibly complaining about studying
funny to think that the last time i'll ever be in cleveland in my life has already happened
literally eating a sandwich in bed right now so i guess you could say things are going well
pickle pickle pass
favorite picture on the internet (that's saying a lot bc think of the shit on the internet)

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