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michael
"you can't have simply and arugula in the same sentence"
wearing cargo shorts necessitates judgment
@AtypicalDouche Well, according to browser statistics, 24.7% users use Firefox world wide. :) Hope that answered your question :) #fxhelp
Retweeted by michael
ummm who even uses firefox
god (didnt capitalize it because it doesnt exist)
just spotted a guy in a kilt, this seems like home. transferring at semester.
im currently at lakeland college in plymouth, wi. aka the school of my dreams.
S/O to @Alex_Delvoye for turning 21 today and now being able to buy me copious amounts of alcohol 💃🍺#youthinkimkiddingi#butimnotnot
Retweeted by michael
uberfacts is lying to you "RT @UberFacts: Boiling water freezes faster than cold water."
*iphone 6 gets announced* *iphone 5s case comes off because the safety of this piece of shit no longer matters*
today is one of those rare days when coasties identify themselves with winter apparel while true wisconsinites celebrate sweater weather
student: "my cousins boyfriend is from venezuela and he is a doctor, like an actual doctor..." professor: "thanks for that"
because you know i'm all about that booth, bout that booth, no table.
"do you eat food in your car to avoid having to share with your kids?" "every day" "you're ready for fried bread"
*summer ends* *everyone enters relationships*
Spotted cow is fuckin delicious
Retweeted by michael
this cold make me feel like im snorting chili constantly 😒
amazing how the worst drivers always seem to have some sort of christian paraphernalia on their car
literally looting my dads house for apartment supplies
i just got a twitter notification to tell me about a tweet that i favorited. what is this bullshit pic.twitter.com/TUNZA7wdsW
i don't understand how people can use touchscreen laptops
can we reach the point in the semester when 1/3 of people dont go to class and the streets arent packed puhlease
harry wore a packer jersey for one direction's final song in chicago #wiscopride
those who wear earplugs to concerts lack ambition
um why would anyone get engaged on a tuesday
you can fuck cunts, but you cant be a fucking cunt
*sits in corner of kitchen at work and eats ravioli nonchalantly to avoid responsibility*
i might be homeless but at least im not riding bitch on a moped
im not just a pretty face with an ass that won't quit
isnt it an unspoken rule that if you post something to your snapchat story, then you shouldn't send it to anyone directly
Alcoholic test: how do you pronounce "patron"?
Retweeted by michael
when i tweet and no one favorites it, i'm like "delete or nah?"
all of this ebola nonsense just makes me want to watch house more than usual
i hope christianmingle.com is run by atheists exploiting delusional christians thinking god has something to do with that website
i cant think of something more frightening than meeting a couple that met on christianmingle.com
this guy then proceeds to change the channel from fox news to some fishing show. i didn't think any show could be that incrementally better.
ONE OF THEM JUST TOLD HIS DAUGHTER TO BE CAREFUL WHILE EATING HOT COCOA POWDER WITH A ONE THOUSAND WAYS TO DIE REFERENCE
purgatory: trapped in a car dealership with two upper middle aged men discussing their agreement with what's being discussed on fox news
i hope the guy who got ebola was a doomsday prepper sheerly for the sake of irony
two women walk into a bar and talk about the bechdel test
whenever people call me "mike", i can't help but respond with "do i look like a balding middle aged black man? my name is michael"
"I hate children, they're like undeveloped humans"-@AtypicalDouche
Retweeted by michael
i learned today why it is important to check your blind spot before switching lanes
#Teens: Are you #positive your #Latino friends are #cool to #vote? Ask to see some #ID just in case!
Retweeted by michael