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"I hate children, they're like undeveloped humans"-@AtypicalDouche
Retweeted by michael
i learned today why it is important to check your blind spot before switching lanes
#Teens: Are you #positive your #Latino friends are #cool to #vote? Ask to see some #ID just in case!
Retweeted by michael
if you're not tailgating the person in front of you, you shouldn't be in the fast lane
im confused why people go grocery shopping when quesadillas at chipotle are $4
If you have enemies, don't hurt them. Instead give them frequent flyer passes to Malyasia Airlines.
Retweeted by michael
no turn on red aka look around to see if a cop is watching
so jen's landlord came into the apartment to inspect damages for the security deposit and she literally woke us up from jens birthday party
me while walking: car drivers are such douche bags me while driving: fuck pedestrians
seriously probably the best communicated non audible conversation i have ever had. she's still a bitch though.
i just had the equivilant of a screaming match on the highway with a woman via extensive middle finger uses and hand gestures
if you're ever feeling like you are really good at everything you do, try eating string cheese with lotion on your hands
remember kids, it only takes one cautious soccer mom to slow literally all traffic in madison
typical interactions at work: guest: do you have any decaf coffee? me: umm can't you see im trying to slay this level of candy crush
"the closest thing i have had to a relationship is the pillow pet sitting in my room" - @jennnallen
guys, my new favorite nba team is the cavs. totally not a coincidence because my relatives kinda live near there so it's legit
every time i think i could potentially have a child, i go to the zoo and realize i was completely mistaken
a black woman just asked me if we have doritos for the oatmeal #done
i urge everyone to ask themselves today: "is it really necessary to post fireworks to my snapchat story?"
why isn't everyone familiar with the debate vernacular? it would make conversations with muggles so much easier.
can israel stop doing irrational things for like five seconds plz
"one time i came back and the room smelled like thai food, so i think my roommate had sex"
i would be such a great ambulance driver