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michael
i'm such an inconsiderate person that i'll put an empty brita pitcher back in the fridge punchline: i live alone
our apartment's maintenance guy seemed surprised that i called when i only tasked him with killing the spider in our living room
trying to decide which is preferable
beautiful day at devil's lake β˜€οΈ
presidential election season is a great time to delete facebook friends
i love stormy nights β˜”οΈ
such nature, much beauty 🌳
i love when linda comes to visit 🍣
interviewer: so what's it like holding the venus rosewater dish again? serena: well, it's much lighter than the 350 i can bench
"It'd be cool to have a cat with a chain. If I were Two Chainz I would have a cat named One Chainz and put a chain on it." -@AtypicalDouche
Retweeted by michael
our generation is the type to use their phone to take a selfie documenting a gunshot wound before calling an ambulance
i should've known better than to order food while watching masterchef
grocery shopping status: full sconnie
*enjoys the calm before the storm of ed sheeran snapchat stories*
just finishing a run seems like a good excuse to eat a second burrito today
i'm pretty sure my starbucks order is longer than my resumΓ©
if you can't name the coworker everyone hates, you are the coworker that everyone hates
i brought a smirnoff ice in case things weren't going well #FYI
i'm glad that gays can finally move on to a new pain in the ass that isn't dealing with the marriage equality fight thanks to SCOTUS
i need a henchman, but mainly just a dd who is readily accessible
oscar the gay orchid 🌈
i had an existential crisis when i realized i couldn't call myself a grubby teen anymore
high school: do you have a piece of gum college: do you have a cigarette
adios saint louis 🍹
enjoying some scotch in the big ole d
appleton east debate has accomplished so much this year that no one expected us to and that is just really fucking awesome #proudcoach
Cole and Kedrick lose in round 10 of the NSDA tournament putting them in the top 35! Fantastic season overall! #GoPatriots
Retweeted by michael
psa: drunkards discussing white privilege in a bar in texas has officially become my worst nightmare
im starting to understand why our street was named shade tree lane 🌳
*gets messaged by uw professor on grindr*
my thoughts on pridefest:
you know who gets more retweets than you? @UberFacts. just let that one sink in a little bit.
my asian kitchen driver legitimately looked like jesus. is this some sort of sick joke
it continually amazes me how every snapchat update still lacks the function of preset groups you can send snaps to
melissa mccarthy movies are literally just a funnier version of the seth rogan film genre
@Not_All_Men_ but im more than happy to be your angry feminist archetype for your next blog post, i could use the followers.
Retweeted by michael
timely notice: caitlyn jenner is hot
run puff rest ➑️ puff repeat pass
someone ACTUALLY posted this to facebook.........
ONE OF THE GUYS LITERALLY STREAKED FROM THE CAPITOL DOWN STATE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
literally just stumbled upon three guys taking pictures of their flacid dicks TOGETHER in front of the capitol πŸ‘€
im a vegetarian except for bugs
i thought this was the farmers market not the baked goods market πŸ‘€
rhode island: the sideshow to massachusetts
to the girl who i met while taking care of my passed out roommate, believes burrito time is anytime, and shares my immense need to constantly drink wine, i wish the best of birthdays πŸ’•
im trying out a new diet: i don't eat the food that falls out of my burritos




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