I come home and pour myself a scotch and she says, We need to talk, and I grab the bottle and sit down and hit myself over the head with it.
The pour went awry and her lap was covered in red wine. I apologized, and wrote the date off. I should slap you, she smirked. I didn't mind.
We'd just had sex for the first time. Who do you hate? she asks while getting dressed. I'm taken aback. We hardly know each other, I whisper
A bird pooped on me and my neighbor felt bad and I asked how bad and she said, This fence is a border, and then the bird pooped on me again.
We were at the hardware store and I made a stupid joke about screws, and then she left me in the Durable Goods aisle and she never returned.
Mike Duffy and Rob Ford walk into a bar. I'm buying, Mike Duffy says. Then Rob Ford eats the bartender's face.
Rob Ford channels Marion Barry. Is this for real? bit.ly/17C5dmQ
He lures her with a promise she knows he can't keep. But the promise itself shows an ambition she knows she lacks. Besides, she loves cheese
The road stretched before us. We watched the sun kiss the horizon. I can't find your sunglasses, she said. That's the last thing I remember.
Rejected names for Canada. Yet another list on my blog: bit.ly/13ozZsQ
I told her to call me at four to disrupt the meeting and she called me at four and I told her I was very busy and she never called me again.
We hadn't seen each other in a long while. She stood at the door, taking me in. When did you get so fat? she asked. This morning, I replied.
She asks me what she has to do to shut me up. I tell her exactly what I'm thinking. Keep talking, she sighs. But I have nothing more to say.
I told her I wrote car ads. She laughed and choked on her gum. I said, So you know my work then. She bought me a drink because she felt pity
People, you need to work, dollars don't grow on fauna, you need to labor, and then, maybe, we can have the lady in the cake for my birthday.
Then she asked, Can we still be friends? She knew it would never be enough for me. Buy me a Volvo? I asked. It was an equally silly question
You move the earth, I tell her, trying to be poetic, more romantic, and then we feel an earthquake, both of us do, so now I'm afraid of her.
Who's going to break the bad news to @Cmdr_Hadfield
New definition of epic fail.
I never thought I'd say this but I feel bad for the #leafs
I'll get over it. But still.
They are both far from home. He orders a last drink. I have kids, he says. So do I, she replies. They watch the TV behind the bar. Dreaming.
We were exhausted from the incessant arguing. So I said, Let's go on a trip. We booked tickets. We planned. Only to argue in a foreign land.
Welcome home @Cmdr_Hadfield
. The coolest astronaut ever.
The day is bright with possibility. I slather her back with lotion. The ocean roars beyond the dunes. I'm closed for business, she tells me.
She opens the door. He says, You've lost weight. She looks away. I've been ill, she says. He wants to die now. Do you have a knife? he asks.
I tell her my story. I admit to embellishment, but only for their entertainment value. Because I'm a giver. You're also a liar, she tells me
I'm ribald, I tell her and she pours her drink on my head and says, Two letters off, and I call my Renaissance lit teacher and he has a lark
I await Niall Ferguson's next book "The Complete Over-Sexualized History of Economics." My column: bit.ly/16oKMtm
Two years ago today. Never forget, @arjunbasu
Questions one should never ask: a (not so definitive) list bit.ly/18zffUO
It's too early in the season for flip flops, he says, throwing a sock in anger. We just became a couple, she beams. And he studies his toes.
. Right now! As he live tweets another episode of #Cannon
She asks for salt. Soon the chef is at the table bellowing about art. She sips her wine. It's all going to come out my butt later, she says.
I saw her again and she looked different. I felt alone. Unsure of things. Then she took a bite of her burger. And my warm feelings returned.
I was having some difficulty catching my breath. But I saw her and my labor seemed trivial. I took her hand. Don't you ever wash? she asked
I will have a lot of time for all of you Habs fans in the days ahead to talk about how positive the future is and how the roster might look.
In fact, I want Bob Cole announcing everything I do. THIS GUY, IN THE PAJAMAS, IS EATING MINI-WHEATS. OH BABY.
Hope Therrien is getting his "remember what this feels like" speech ready. #habs
I hope #Habs
don't spend the summer in a blame-filled pityfest while avoiding their real issues.
And then we noticed the coming of the dawn and she said, Oh wow, and I moved in to kiss her, and she said, I'm about to turn into a pumpkin.
Who does such a thing? she asks as I eat the last piece of cake. I try and swallow. But I've taken too much. I start to choke. Who? she asks
The breeze messes her hair and for a moment she is the most exquisite thing in the world but then her extensions blow off and she runs away.
That's the series fuck #habs
That's. the. Way. The. Habs. Have. To. Play. #fasterpussycatkillkill #gohabsgo
We stare at the salami, its fat glistening in the day's last light like shards of crystal. You take it, I tell her, stepping out of my pants
You are all unique, like snowflakes, the teacher tells her students. She goes home and opens a beer and eats some nachos. Like me, she sighs
- while you're running @MLB
please bring the @Montreal_Expos
From the blog yesterday: On to design. And important minutiae bit.ly/11NNlPN
You can't suck this in a manly way, he says as he unwraps a Popsicle. He's talking to everyone and no one. To himself. And, always, his mom.