I had been picking my nose. The sexiest woman in the office entered the elevator. I had a booger on my finger; the cologne had been a waste.
Perusing first draft covers of my book by @MichelVrana
She calls it an accordion but I call it a squeeze box and she says that's just my method and she calls me a softball. Then we eat breakfast.
The air around us is electric enough to create lightning. I try for a joke but it's limp on arrival. You don't get how upset I am, she says.
The new hire storms into my office wearing a parka. I deserve a promotion, he yells. It's summer outside. I didn't say overdress, I clarify.
And the kiss is acknowledged, as an outcome, but then he sneezes and she says, You look older than you seem, and his pucker turns to a pout.
Edward Snowden has rendered a great service. More than that, he is an American in the best sense of the word... who is hiding out in China.
This morning he heard his mother had died. He went to a burger joint and tried to eat to death. But no one could make a burger like his mom.
Every spy movie is about the sex lives of spies. She said this at the height of her sincerity. I heaved out a disgusted sounding "Oh yeah?"
RIP Iain Banks. Sad news.
She started to weep. This was the thing that happened when the thing turned into a thing. She took out a frozen cake. This was also a thing.
Then the rain started to enter the house, and she said, I thought you promised to fix the roof, and I said, When's the last time we had sex?
As a city, #Ottawa
has long deserved a football team with a name like the RedBlacks.
The name of Ottawa's new football team is the Travis Bickel of sports team names.
I got out of my car and grabbed a hockey stick from the back seat. I walked to the car in front of me. With menace. Let's play, I suggested.
: Who is more handsome than this guy? @arjunbasu Instagram.com/p/aRh7bdMxj1/
I had no lessons to teach her. She'd made that clear to me. I paid the bill and stood. Shall we? I asked. But she hadn't finished her drink.
Dreams of a lake, of throwing baseballs in the fading light of evening, of love and loss. He dreams of sweet things. Of things he never had.
He orders a double cheeseburger and notes the annoyingly judgemental look on the beefy waiter and says, At least I have a speedy metabolism.
He laughs until the act of breathing becomes implausible. He says, Come on that was hilarious. And then someone says, I called an ambulance.
We sold our possessions. We vacated the house room by room, a past sold off to purchase a future. We were hopeful, but no longer house proud
When he picks her up, she feels all the love in the world in his arms. He says, I can't put you down. And he can't. His back is killing him.
The clouds gather above us, threatening inundation. We share a collective thought, so strong it rustles the leaves. And so the funeral ends.
I bought her a drink. She stared at me. She said, You might be good looking. I took that. I needed to. Since the night had already felt long
A crowd had gathered around me and I was making them laugh so hard. I told a final joke and a woman said, I didn't realize you were that sad
The very definition of "ginormous."
Here's our full story on MLB seeking to suspend A-Rod, Braun and about 20 players for PED violations. espn.go.com/espn/otl/story…
Maybe Alex Rodriguez has the missing Rob Ford crack video. #crackstarter #crackapalooza
I knew it! @twitter
started to hate me on April 13th. (I must have not showered that day) pic.twitter.com/1EFblSjIUf
I said, I don't know, and then she started breaking things and threatening injury and I said relax and she said, I asked you if you loved me
Publish or perish? Or self publish? Authors (including me) weigh in. bit.ly/15xHjFu
He promised her the world. Then he took her out for a burger. Way to manage expectations, she said. It was something he'd learned in school.
The news was tough to watch. He turned off the television and took her hand. She pulled it away. You don't respect my liberty, she told him.
She's staring at me, to the point of making me self-conscious, and now she's walking toward me and she says, I used to follow you on Twitter
She calls me, and we make small talk. Finally she asks: What are you doing? I'm reading a book, I tell her. And then she says, You're weird.
The sommelier brought the wine to the table and took a sniff. It's corked, he said, angrily. It's what I deserve, I said, offering my glass.
I bought a shirt. She said, Why'd you buy that shirt? I defended the dignity of my purchase. Perhaps a bit too aggressively. Now I'm lonely.
And them the storm rolled in and the heat broke and all was awesome. vine.co/v/b3WIE5dUQ1O
Family 775 vs Sex 747 bit.ly/11M3QzG
Edith Bunker Reading '' Playgirl '': youtu.be/rBl6dCDGk0Q
RIP Jean Stapleton.
RIP Jean Stapleton. Edith Bunker is one of the greatest roles of all time.
I drop my backpack, and fall on top of it. I don't know what to do, I admit. She takes out the map, again, because she knows it will bug me.
I fell for her in a painful manner. You're about to make an awful decision, she predicted. I love you enough to ruin our families, I replied
He was a homely child who grew into a handsome man and held a noble job, who always wore leather chaps, and preferred his cakes under baked.
New blog post: Update on my novel. Write if you want to blurb. And even Canadian politicians. They're unavoidable. bit.ly/1aJzcXp
Everyone is hungry; the grumbling has turned to revolt. Good things take time, I say. The noise dies down. While my wife can't stop laughing
On this week's Round Bus: me. A bid to save NBC. "The Robin Williams of tennis." Topless ping pong. And more. bit.ly/ZyvDDP