And he thought suspenders would be a good idea. He stared at himself in the mirror wondering who he was. He looked like a man tired of belts
Linguistics is the study of linguine. Its most famous practitioner is Nom Nom Nom Chomsky! #noodles #jokes #socialmedia #friendship #lonely
Who are you to deserve a compliment? she asks me suddenly; I could tell that had been building up inside her. At least she was alive inside.
We were not where the cops said we'd been. But our denial sounded implausible. I felt lightheaded and faint. She held me steady. By the bum.
Very short teeny tiny fiction wins Man Booker International Prize. That's heartening... bit.ly/10Mvy9m
He knew he lacked style, even before she'd pointed it out. There were many things he wanted to say. I have a big TV, was all he could muster
She returned his call reluctantly. They'd had something once, and now it was gone, and she told him so. Do you believe in charity? he asked.
The editing is done. Finished.
Now it’s off to the copy editor. And designer.
At the funeral for the False King, townsfolk cry crocodile tears, lament the state of the state and sing, He sure was great at the Internet!
I tried to show her the puppies. I wanted to share their cuteness with her. You hurt me last night, she said. I decided to sell the puppies
The dude said, You don't want to know what she did, but I had to know, and he told me, and that's how I learned I had nothing left to drink.
The car comes to a stop and idles in front of my house. It's a red car, shiny, low to the ground. My cell rings. It's not good news. For me.
I ordered a burger. My father called. He was leaving his wife. How many is that? I asked. I need some cash, he said. And I ordered a Whisky.
Her stomach is littered with bite marks. She says, Why would you do that? I remember this thing my mother once did. All I can do is I shrug.
stole another tweet, this time from @arjunbasu
, who wrote this 571 days ago. tmblr.co/ZBmHwslO8UBn
My life feels like the totality of those moments between waking and the first cup of coffee. I tell her this and she walks away even faster.
He hits her, reluctantly, lightly, it's more like a tap really, because he's a gentleman. Then she hits him. And he ends up in the hospital.
Your vengeance is more like Hollywood vengeance, and that means you will make a mistake, because I'm the good guy, and you have awful makeup
I used to believe in risk. In the immensity of the reward that lay on the other side of fear. Then I got hit by a car. I never got her name.
I come home and pour myself a scotch and she says, We need to talk, and I grab the bottle and sit down and hit myself over the head with it.
The pour went awry and her lap was covered in red wine. I apologized, and wrote the date off. I should slap you, she smirked. I didn't mind.
We'd just had sex for the first time. Who do you hate? she asks while getting dressed. I'm taken aback. We hardly know each other, I whisper
A bird pooped on me and my neighbor felt bad and I asked how bad and she said, This fence is a border, and then the bird pooped on me again.
We were at the hardware store and I made a stupid joke about screws, and then she left me in the Durable Goods aisle and she never returned.
Mike Duffy and Rob Ford walk into a bar. I'm buying, Mike Duffy says. Then Rob Ford eats the bartender's face.
Rob Ford channels Marion Barry. Is this for real? bit.ly/17C5dmQ
He lures her with a promise she knows he can't keep. But the promise itself shows an ambition she knows she lacks. Besides, she loves cheese
The road stretched before us. We watched the sun kiss the horizon. I can't find your sunglasses, she said. That's the last thing I remember.
Rejected names for Canada. Yet another list on my blog: bit.ly/13ozZsQ
I told her to call me at four to disrupt the meeting and she called me at four and I told her I was very busy and she never called me again.
We hadn't seen each other in a long while. She stood at the door, taking me in. When did you get so fat? she asked. This morning, I replied.
She asks me what she has to do to shut me up. I tell her exactly what I'm thinking. Keep talking, she sighs. But I have nothing more to say.
I told her I wrote car ads. She laughed and choked on her gum. I said, So you know my work then. She bought me a drink because she felt pity
People, you need to work, dollars don't grow on fauna, you need to labor, and then, maybe, we can have the lady in the cake for my birthday.
Then she asked, Can we still be friends? She knew it would never be enough for me. Buy me a Volvo? I asked. It was an equally silly question
You move the earth, I tell her, trying to be poetic, more romantic, and then we feel an earthquake, both of us do, so now I'm afraid of her.
Who's going to break the bad news to @Cmdr_Hadfield
New definition of epic fail.
I never thought I'd say this but I feel bad for the #leafs
I'll get over it. But still.
They are both far from home. He orders a last drink. I have kids, he says. So do I, she replies. They watch the TV behind the bar. Dreaming.
We were exhausted from the incessant arguing. So I said, Let's go on a trip. We booked tickets. We planned. Only to argue in a foreign land.
Welcome home @Cmdr_Hadfield
. The coolest astronaut ever.
The day is bright with possibility. I slather her back with lotion. The ocean roars beyond the dunes. I'm closed for business, she tells me.
She opens the door. He says, You've lost weight. She looks away. I've been ill, she says. He wants to die now. Do you have a knife? he asks.
I tell her my story. I admit to embellishment, but only for their entertainment value. Because I'm a giver. You're also a liar, she tells me
I'm ribald, I tell her and she pours her drink on my head and says, Two letters off, and I call my Renaissance lit teacher and he has a lark
I await Niall Ferguson's next book "The Complete Over-Sexualized History of Economics." My column: bit.ly/16oKMtm
Two years ago today. Never forget, @arjunbasu
Questions one should never ask: a (not so definitive) list bit.ly/18zffUO
It's too early in the season for flip flops, he says, throwing a sock in anger. We just became a couple, she beams. And he studies his toes.