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Andrew Marlan
If ChickFilA was REALLY Christian, they'd deliver. Jesus brings deliverance, DOES HE NOT? Deliver my salvation w/ a side of waffle fries.
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
Saturdays are for overeating and watching college football.
Too early to call, but I'm hoping for an American Horror Story without plot holes and disappointment.
"Stars never pay." Jessica Lange is everything. #AHSFREAKSHOW
Bring me Taco Bell and I'll love you forever.
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
I am so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers. #BestMonth
Nothing will ruin your 20s more than thinking you should have your life together already.
People are dying around the world because they don't have access to clean water and we're bending iPhones and calling that "news."
We get it, aluminum is malleable. That's it for today's chemistry lesson. Y'all can stop bending your iPhone 6 now.
If you accidentally like a post while stalking someone, just own up to it. Like two. Three! Sneak into their house. Kidnap their dog!
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
I wish I could illegally download food.
i hate how ur born out of nowhere forced to go 2 school then get a job & work endless hours like this isnt fair wat if i wanted to be a duck
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
Had a fantastic time with these two, and meeting @Alaska5000 was perfection. ❤️ pic.twitter.com/uW43gdgKnD
If Sugar Bear and Mama June can't make it, there isn't any hope for the rest of us.
There are some days that only Taco Bell can fix.
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
The iOS 8 update is 1.1 GB but requires 5.8 GB of free storage. Okay. 😒
I won't spend $1.29 on a song, but I'll gladly drop $400 on an iPhone.
I would be a lot more excited about today's iPhone 6 announcement if I wasn't in the middle of my 2-year contract. 😒
One month until the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show. Jessica Lange's last. 😔
College marching bands should start adopting weird movie music. “Yeah, we play ‘Take My Breath Away’ on third downs."
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
I wonder what was said in board meetings when companies decided tweeting like a 12-year-old girl is their most effective marketing strategy.
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." #RIPJoanRivers
I look forward to this moment all day. I love you, bed. I'll never leave you.
College football season is the best time of the year. #GAMEDAY
There's a difference between not being able to hold a conversation and not wanting to keep it going.
Seth Myers is such a babe.
Lana Del Rey and wine go hand in hand.
Lmao at you losers paying for Uber and Lyft. My mom can just drop us off as long as your mom can pick us up.
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
Walked out of the salon and a mom says to her daughter, "Oh, he's cute." I think it's safe to say my new hairstyle is a success.
Taco Bell will have a dollar menu starting tomorrow. BRUH. 😍
Hello University of Michigan. Let's turn up.
Happy #LeftHandersDay! In celebration, I'll be smearing my writing and asking people to cut for me because I'm incapable of using scissors.
We never know how much someone hurts inside, no matter how happy he looks.
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." -Robin Williams #RIP
August is the Sunday of summer.
Please tell me more about your exes during our date that you asked me on. 😒
"I wouldn't care if my girlfriend was a cyclops with a beard - I'd just be grateful to have someone to make out with." -Looking For Alaska
Pick up the nearest book to you and turn to page 45. The first sentence explains your love life.
I'm running out of things to watch on Netflix. I might need to start making friends soon.
if the purge was real i'd probably hide in aeropostale because no one has been in there since like 2009
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
Some days you have to reward yourself with a nice glass of wine. Other days, a bottle will do.
Germany can't win a World War tho. #BackToBackChamps
Nothing is more beautiful than the way a fridge looks after you go grocery shopping.
Netflix is my summer bae.
Wait, Orange is the New Black isn't a documentary?
It's not you, it's your grammar.
The things you hear and see in the guys' locker room at the gym.. 😳
About to turn it all the way down tonight. pic.twitter.com/496kWAzdBT