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Andrew Marlan
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The cashier gave me a gift receipt for my groceries. Thanks.. 😒
This is why you don't mess with Jessica Lange. #AHS
If you don't watch at least one Christmas movie per day, you're not doing December right.
Today I am thankful to be alive for another Thanksgiving with family. And wine. God bless wine.
If you're going to be ignorant and offensive be ignorant and offensive. Don't camouflage your hate and call it an opinion on current events.
One Direction just beat Beyoncé for Artist of the Year. Not throwing shade, just live tweeting the #AMAs. 🐸☕️
Not a fan of the Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber relationship drama, but that was one powerfully emotional performance. #AMAs
American Horror Story, killing off our favorite characters since 2011.
One Direction's new album "Four" just dropped on iTunes and it is phenomenal. Lights down, headphones in. 🎧🎶
It's hilarious how irrationally rude people can get when you ask them to do something basic they're literally employed to do. 💅
Halloween drinking game: Take a shot every time you see Elsa tonight.
I was supposed to be born on Halloween, but came a few days earlier right after the Daylight Saving Time change bc I like dramatic entrances
I love that they're making Paper Towns into a movie, but I wish they would've filmed Looking For Alaska first. #BestJohnGreenBook
Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone! Definitely brightens my otherwise gloomy Monday at work. 😊
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. 😊🎉
(Watches every movie alone because that's my life)
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
It's Scorpio season. We are are known as the hypersexual, super passionate, all-around difficult sign of the Zodiac.
Don't just stare at me. Ask me for my number.
If ChickFilA was REALLY Christian, they'd deliver. Jesus brings deliverance, DOES HE NOT? Deliver my salvation w/ a side of waffle fries.
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
Saturdays are for overeating and watching college football.
Too early to call, but I'm hoping for an American Horror Story without plot holes and disappointment.
"Stars never pay." Jessica Lange is everything. #AHSFREAKSHOW
Bring me Taco Bell and I'll love you forever.
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I am so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers. #BestMonth
Nothing will ruin your 20s more than thinking you should have your life together already.
People are dying around the world because they don't have access to clean water and we're bending iPhones and calling that "news."
We get it, aluminum is malleable. That's it for today's chemistry lesson. Y'all can stop bending your iPhone 6 now.
If you accidentally like a post while stalking someone, just own up to it. Like two. Three! Sneak into their house. Kidnap their dog!
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
I wish I could illegally download food.
i hate how ur born out of nowhere forced to go 2 school then get a job & work endless hours like this isnt fair wat if i wanted to be a duck
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
Had a fantastic time with these two, and meeting @Alaska5000 was perfection. ❤️ pic.twitter.com/uW43gdgKnD
If Sugar Bear and Mama June can't make it, there isn't any hope for the rest of us.
There are some days that only Taco Bell can fix.
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The iOS 8 update is 1.1 GB but requires 5.8 GB of free storage. Okay. 😒
I won't spend $1.29 on a song, but I'll gladly drop $400 on an iPhone.
I would be a lot more excited about today's iPhone 6 announcement if I wasn't in the middle of my 2-year contract. 😒
One month until the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show. Jessica Lange's last. 😔
College marching bands should start adopting weird movie music. “Yeah, we play ‘Take My Breath Away’ on third downs."
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
I wonder what was said in board meetings when companies decided tweeting like a 12-year-old girl is their most effective marketing strategy.
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." #RIPJoanRivers
I look forward to this moment all day. I love you, bed. I'll never leave you.
College football season is the best time of the year. #GAMEDAY
There's a difference between not being able to hold a conversation and not wanting to keep it going.
Seth Myers is such a babe.
Lana Del Rey and wine go hand in hand.
Lmao at you losers paying for Uber and Lyft. My mom can just drop us off as long as your mom can pick us up.
Retweeted by Andrew Marlan
Walked out of the salon and a mom says to her daughter, "Oh, he's cute." I think it's safe to say my new hairstyle is a success.
Taco Bell will have a dollar menu starting tomorrow. BRUH. 😍