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Sam C. Moore
Staring at my phone in public so people won't know how socially awkward I am; I swear I'm not an #Aspie
My balls smell of oak and secrets.
I tried sleeping my way to the top; that got me kicked out of the family business.
Pavlov's dog salivated everytime Pavlov rang a bell. My penis is like that only it's everytime a fat chick stumbles out of a bar.
And we're back...
.@BryanSinger is a lot like this submarine. -- Orange and filled with Underage Seamen!
I never believed in Black Magic, until I saw that basketball team.
Sexuality is fluid? The problem with that is, today, fewer and fewer women drink from the spout.
What does a middle-aged woman and the Easter Bunny have in common? Although you hear about it, you never see one produce an egg.
Pretty sure the adult women who love #Frozen are the same women who report rapes -- that didn't happen.
You'd think women would be better at #Curling seeing as how often they use brooms.
Call me crazy, but I think the "French Mistake" has a lot to do with ass fucking.
Swimming Aids: The Legend Of Greg Louganis #OlympicMovies @midnight
Curling Two: Electric Broom Go Vroom #OlympicMovies @midnight
All Journalists Must Die: A Putin Production #OlympicMovies @midnight
The Lord of the Malfunctioning Rings #OlympicMovies @midnight
#OlympicPickupLines Girl you're like a bobsled: beautiful, exciting, and able to fit two Jamaicans in your rear.
Bob Costas has a pink eye, a brown nose and a Putin flavored asshole. #NBCFail
As of now, I have seen more skiing on that Nyquil commercial than I have on @nbc's 'coverage' of the Olympics.
Bob Costas you're an arrogant little asshole. I'm glad Darby O'Gill punched you in the eye when he took your pot of gold.
.@NBCOlympics' hubris while referring to Russia doctoring ring-malfunction footage is hilarious. They cut an important part of IOC speech.
Saw the video of the theater text shooting. The shooter has a strong argument for self-defense. The texter appeared to act as the aggressor.
Not to be outdone be outdone by the #PivotalExperiment controversy, @nbc now labeling Nazis as "Necessary Evil."
Now those commie Olympic bastards are celebrating the death of Apollo Creed.
Putin looks like one of those little monkeys that pick peoples pockets in Thailand.
Hey @nbc if you love Russian Communism so much, why don't you gay marry it..? #OopsNeverMind
.@nbc Olympic opening called communism a Pivotal Experiment. Communism would explain why they're redistributing late night ratings.
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy who Just got raped by a bunch of queer guys #BadAfterShows @midnight
Girls: who look even worse naked. #BadAfterShows @midnight
Kids In The Hall With Adam Lanza #BadAfterShows @midnight
The Big Bang Theory That Was Widely Discredited #BadAfterShows @midnight
The Tonight Show "Staring" Jimmy Fallon #BadAfterShows @midnight
How come @waynebrady has hair for Black History Month? #JustWeird
Any woman who spends more than $20 on a purse is unfuckable. #UnlessItsAHateFuck
Anyone else think DMX sounds like Sylvester Stallone dipped in chocolate?
Problem is: the comics I hate, I don't respect, and the comics I respect I don't hate.
I need a rivalry that challenges me to be better, like in the movie Rush. But it has to be with someone I #HateButRespect