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Alixandra
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE *Drops mic*
Dear Men of Twitter and IG, We don't wanna see your balls, misshapen cock, hairy chest, or pale ass Sincerely, My fuckin retinas are burnin
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So it went from being tarred & feathered to the ice bucket challenge
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You win....door that said push that I pulled.....you fucking win.
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Can you actually stab someone with a spoon? Because that's all I have at the moment
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I think I have enough stars to get the giant pencil but I can't find the twitter gift shop.
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Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
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"Jesus take the wheel" Jesus: "I'm texting in the passenger seat right now. Can't you take care of it? You're in the driver's seat."
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If by kids you mean baby goats, sure I'd like some of those.
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I will take the physical challenge Marc Summers! pic.twitter.com/Pawx3k6TrT
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Yes, I look through all your avis and judge you based on fuckability. Women too.
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Lady: Cigarettes kill ya know Me: WHAT? *makes pretend phone call* Is this the President of Science? Sir you're not gonna believe this...
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When people say: "he's a nice person once u get to know him", they really mean: "he's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it!"
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Reasons a guy is mad at you: 1. He's not 2. You invented it 3. Stop over-thinking 4. Seriously stop 5. Wait. Did you drink his last beer?
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Reasons a girl is mad at you: 1. You know what you did 2. Wait. You don't even know? 3. You SHOULD know 4. You're being SUCH an asshole
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I don't exactly hate you but if you were on fire and I had water. I'd drink it.
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Are you fuckers gonna make me tweet existentialism to get you to pay attention? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's where I draw the line.
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Excuse me Sir, May I lick your tattoos? Yummy!
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HOW TO PLAY SOCCER IN GYM CLASS: 1. Get the ball 2. Pass it to someone who actually knows how to play 3. Go home
I found something today that I had somehow misplaced. My dignity.
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Is 900 pm on a Tuesday too late to eat some gas station hot dogs? Said no person ever. Until today. By me.
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🎉Yummy Japanese pastries. 🎊
Strong hands. Because sometimes a girl just needs to be grabbed
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Stop eating the pudding! The proof is in there!
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I hear you over there passive aggressively sighing. But I'm stubborn, so you're gonna hyperventilate before I ask what's wrong.
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*Enlarges AVI Dayumm ur perty! *FOLLOWED!*
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Daedalus: Icarus, whatever you do, don't fly too close to the sun Icarus: Icarus: I'm gonna fuck the sun. #NailedIt
"Fuck me harder than Edison fucked Tesla." So yeah, I'm a total catch, guys.
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Bacon wrapped asparagus 😍 #foodporn
If you can't handle my chipped nail polish.. You can't have my Brazilian wax!
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Sometimes* I'll get cute and done up to Skype. *every time
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My plans for today include making up for all the naps I didn't take in kindergarten.
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Sex with a virgin is like getting a new computer, you get to programme all your favourite software on it and it doesn't have a virus yet
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I'm freezing myself in carbonite later this afternoon. Take that, ice bucket challenge...
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If you make eye contact with me while I'm molesting melons in the supermarket - we're fucking
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I will star everything you tweet because it's all pure brilliance, or I'd like to see you naked. My Twitter. My rules.
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When you see your twitter crush retweeted... I get it 13 year old girls. I get it.
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You may not be the best looking girl here. But,beauty is only a light switch away.
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I don't think we have enough chocolate. 😆
when I said I'd like to know more about you, I meant your criminal background.
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you wanted to play doctor. but then freak out when I operate on you?
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PS: the dark side really does have amazing cookies.
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#IsItOctoberYet Seriously, I need hockey back in my life ASAP.
[Bar] Me: Hey, have you met my penis? Her: Does that line really work on- Penis: Howdy. Her: Aaack! Penis: Let's go. I don't want this one.
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I stabbed the shrimp on my plate with a fork and made it dance while singing 'under the sea' from The Little Mermaid. I'm so lonely.
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Death asked life, Why do people love you but hate me? Life replied, because I am a beautiful lie and you are a sad reality.
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