Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Create your own wall, sign in free!
Alixandra
Sorry Ireland β€” Scotland & England might be having really loud break-up sex tomorrow
Retweeted by Alixandra
I'm not authorized to speak for all of Canada, but for me, I'd be willing to accept Scotland as one of our provinces, if they want.
Retweeted by Alixandra
"βœŠπŸ’¦πŸ’¦πŸ’¦πŸ‘„" -kik message to TC "THAT'S not MY shade of lipstick! Who's THAT bitch?!?!" -her reply Sexting is hard y'all
Retweeted by Alixandra
Wonder what life would be like if just for one day everyone on twitter had to wear a shirt (out in public) with their top tweet on it ...
Retweeted by Alixandra
When he turns back toward the building and walks five paces to open the door for you, you aren't taking that dress to Goodwill, after all.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Statistically I'm 175% more likely to say yes to any question if you put a drink in my face.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Yep that's me Head over heels * falls flat on face
Retweeted by Alixandra
Sometimes I think I’d survive the Zombie apocalypse. But then I remember I almost pass out if I stand up to fast.
-my cell phone -almonds -skittles -misc other snacks *things you may find in my bra on a regular basis
Retweeted by Alixandra
I'm starting to think Karen might've died, you guys.
Retweeted by Alixandra
*puts swear word on scrabble board* Pope: youre playing scrabble with the pope and this is what you do? Me: ya P: *puts 'heck' on the board*
Retweeted by Alixandra
One alcoholic drink a day can reduce your risk of developing type 2 diabetes by 30%. Yesterday, I reduced my risk by like 4500%.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Retweeted by Alixandra
I can't say English muffin without laughing.
Retweeted by Alixandra
*looks down a dark wishing well* Bae?
Retweeted by Alixandra
Dear women who sprinkle all over public toilet seats, you ok?
Retweeted by Alixandra
I'll order McNuggets at Chick fil a IDGAF
Retweeted by Alixandra
My dating style is like bobbing for apples. I hope the next apple has a job.
Retweeted by Alixandra
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Retweeted by Alixandra
Guys don't know what's wrong with drooling over someone else's tits, but imagine your woman drooling over someone else's dick. Good talk
Retweeted by Alixandra
Sorry I didn't follow you back but you looked like you might steal my imaginary boyfriend.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: i have 3 children, isn't that punishment enough? Cop: you're free to go
Retweeted by Alixandra
Me: hi, is your name Zombie? Her: no, why? Me: cause you look like you suck. Her: ... Me: no. I mean...uh. Talking to people is hard.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Hey, people without kids who can just roll out of bed and go to work: it's great isn't it? NO. Don't tell me. It's better if I don't know.
Retweeted by Alixandra
My all time favorite fall nail color! #marcjacobs
For ten dollars I’ll engrave your tweet on a brick and throw it at you.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Ray Lewis just spoke out against violence on ESPN. Ray Lewis... Against violence... L O L.
Retweeted by Alixandra
I'd probably watch The Bachelor if it was about 4 guys fighting to the death and the winner got to sleep with all 12 contestants
Retweeted by Alixandra
The reason tweeters call out people who steal their tweets is because we don't want to miss out on any of our royalties. wait... what?
Retweeted by Alixandra
"too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone 1-3... could have been a serious game changer in my opinion"
Retweeted by Alixandra
"If you're going to have a loud conversation in a lecture, at least make it English so I can eavesdrop."
Retweeted by Alixandra
"In college I either dress as if I'm going to a red carpet event or as if I'm a homeless drug addict. There is no in between."
Retweeted by Alixandra
This morning my wife asked me when I was going to grow up. I was so offended I almost threw my juice box at her big fat head.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Dear memory foam mattress, thanks for not remembering everything.
Retweeted by Alixandra
I'm not the girl your momma warned you about...Your momma didn't have this much imagination..
Retweeted by Alixandra
I lost my clear hair clip...or did I?
Retweeted by Alixandra
I don't like real life anymore. I've now placed a virtual sofa on my Twitter TL and have moved in. Howdy, neighbor!!
Retweeted by Alixandra
There's nothing I hate more than when someone I don't know, wants to have a meaningful conversation with me. Nice try mom, nice try
Retweeted by Alixandra
"These fake Marilyn Monroe quotes are out of control... stupid whore never said any of that shit." - Ghandi
Retweeted by Alixandra
GF: "You're cute when you're drunk" Me: "You're cute when I'm drunk too"
Retweeted by Alixandra
Sorry I yelled "Aw shit, it's the CRYPT KEEPER!" when I enlarged your AVI.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Oh, sure, I don't mind your profile pic is of you and my boyfriend. I'm tooooootally cool with that. Totally.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Hey all of you with Favstar Pro, what's it like to live in Narnia?
Retweeted by Alixandra
Sorry I didn't go to your open mic, but the WNBA Finals only come but once a year.
Retweeted by Alixandra
I grab my own boobs at least 10 times a day so I get it guys, I get it...
Retweeted by Alixandra
ALL my shoes are β€œFuck Me” shoes. I’m not picky.
Retweeted by Alixandra
Happy because I'm realizing and accepting all personality types are okay, you just gotta find the ones you groove with.
Retweeted by Alixandra
If u follow the right people on twitter you will never need to pay for therapy ;)
Retweeted by Alixandra