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Alixandra

What do you mean I deleted my tweet and tweeted it again because of a typo. That wasn't me... 👀
Retweeted by Alixandra
Ladies... Ever try to plug your phone in in the dark? Imagine if your phone reached down and guided you in... Helpful right?
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*Puts on pants* "No, this was a horrible idea." *Takes off pants*
Lawyer mumbles under breath: "Guiltypersonsaywhat" Defendant: What? Lawyer: No further questions your Honor. #NailedIt
IMPROMPTU SLEEPOVER!!! got my sleeping bag and I'll be at your house in 2 minutes...
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Just saw a guy in Crocs get out of an Audi. It's like... whoa, save some pussy for the rest of us.
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I'm just watching Mad Max as though it were a documentary and I'm prepping for our inevitable downfall after this election.
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Never underestimate the power of a woman... ...that has fabricated a scenario about you.
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I'm in a tree with a blow-dart about to vaccinate your kids.
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In today's society, the value of coins has diminished. Almost worthless. But whenever I come across a penny on heads. I pick it up for luck
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Never forget where you started from, never forget those who supported you when you just started, they were the reason you kept going.
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All you need to do to get a woman's attention is compliment her. No, not like that. Nope, not that either. FFS, never mind.
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Don't let the door hit your man leggings on the way out.
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He let out his man bun and out fell 6 hackysacks filled with organic fair trade coffee beans.
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YASSSS LEOOOOOOO!!
Kayne Is The Donald Trump Of Hip-Hop
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What's the 2016 etiquette of challenging someone to a duel?
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I've had a tweet in my drafts for over a year waiting for a Phaneuf trade.
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University be like... Housing: $2,000 Tuition $16,334 Books: $1,429 Meal plan: $1,567 Air: $3,274 FASFA be like...
If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again
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Daddy long legs...how is that a real name for an insect
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would 100% go to a gym class called "Training for the Hunger Games"
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Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I'm good.
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Most people daydream about exotic places or becoming famous and here I am thinking about napping in my car.
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Your bunny is safe. It's you I'm going to slowly bring to a boil.
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Him: I was hoping you'd forget about that. Me: That's funny. I'm a woman.
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Brb Gotta stuff all of my feelings into this turkey.
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You're like if a straight to video movie was a person.
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Netflix and check his bank statements first.
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Your words say you can't stand me but I'm still getting a "grab my tits" vibe.
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never give up on your dreams keep sleeping
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u unfollow me because ur afraid of falling in love with me, i know
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So you don't add pasta to your salads... What the HELL is wrong with you?!?!
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Everyone on the internet thinks they could be a better dino supervisor - BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE. youtu.be/8viBPFLcdnM
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I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
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Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock? *Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times* Me: OH MY
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Whoa whoa whoa nobody told me that after this bikini body boot camp workout I'd be deployed to the bikini body war
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I'd pay good money to see an "Oh, Yeah" contest between Macho Man Randy Savage & The Kool-Aid Man
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Not my best but not bad. XD 🔫@WaltherFirearmss#ppqq#9mmmO
On a scale of 1 to successfully folding a fitted sheet, what's your sorcery level? Negative 2 here
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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My brain function: 75% - song lyrics & movie quotes 24% - random stuff from 20 yrs ago .05% - what I ate for breakfast yesterday .05% - huh
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Hey y'all, I finally got a smart phone. I'm a big girl now! Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs. P.S. if you see me at a One Direction concert Saturday, that's not me.
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I can't do this anymore. I'm outta here.. ..until next week. Hah. Gotcha. Don't you forget about me.
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