What do you mean I deleted my tweet and tweeted it again because of a typo. That wasn't me... 👀
Ever try to plug your phone in in the dark?
Imagine if your phone reached down and guided you in...
*Puts on pants*
"No, this was a horrible idea."
*Takes off pants*
Lawyer mumbles under breath: "Guiltypersonsaywhat"
Lawyer: No further questions your Honor.
got my sleeping bag and I'll be at your house in 2 minutes...
Just saw a guy in Crocs get out of an Audi. It's like... whoa, save some pussy for the rest of us.
I'm just watching Mad Max as though it were a documentary and I'm prepping for our inevitable downfall after this election.
Never underestimate the power of a woman...
...that has fabricated a scenario about you.
I'm in a tree with a blow-dart about to vaccinate your kids.
In today's society, the value of coins has diminished. Almost worthless. But whenever I come across a penny on heads. I pick it up for luck
Never forget where you started from, never forget those who supported you when you just started, they were the reason you kept going.
All you need to do to get a woman's attention is compliment her. No, not like that. Nope, not that either. FFS, never mind.
Don't let the door hit your man leggings on the way out.
He let out his man bun and out fell 6 hackysacks filled with organic fair trade coffee beans.
Kayne Is The Donald Trump Of Hip-Hop
What's the 2016 etiquette of challenging someone to a duel?
I've had a tweet in my drafts for over a year waiting for a Phaneuf trade.
University be like...
Meal plan: $1,567
FASFA be like...
If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again
Daddy long legs...how is that a real name for an insect
would 100% go to a gym class called "Training for the Hunger Games"
Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts.
Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia.
Hunger Games fans: Nope I'm good.
Most people daydream about exotic places or becoming famous and here I am thinking about napping in my car.
Your bunny is safe. It's you I'm going to slowly bring to a boil.
Him: I was hoping you'd forget about that.
Me: That's funny. I'm a woman.
I block at the drop of an @.
Gotta stuff all of my feelings into this turkey.
You're like if a straight to video movie was a person.
Netflix and check his bank statements first.
Your words say you can't stand me but I'm still getting a "grab my tits" vibe.
never give up on your dreams
u unfollow me because ur afraid of falling in love with me, i know
So you don't add pasta to your salads...
What the HELL is wrong with you?!?!
Everyone on the internet thinks they could be a better dino supervisor - BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE. youtu.be/8viBPFLcdnM
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
Whoa whoa whoa nobody told me that after this bikini body boot camp workout I'd be deployed to the bikini body war
I'd pay good money to see an "Oh, Yeah" contest between Macho Man Randy Savage & The Kool-Aid Man
Not my best but not bad. XD 🔫@WaltherFirearms
On a scale of 1 to successfully folding a fitted sheet,
what's your sorcery level?
Negative 2 here
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My brain function:
75% - song lyrics & movie quotes
24% - random stuff from 20 yrs ago
.05% - what I ate for breakfast yesterday
.05% - huh
Hey y'all, I finally got a smart phone. I'm a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into spiderwebs.
P.S. if you see me at a One Direction concert Saturday, that's not me.
I can't do this anymore. I'm outta here..
..until next week. Hah. Gotcha.
Don't you forget about me.