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What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
*slaps knee*
Sleeping is nice because youre not actually dead and you're not awake so its a win-win situation.
RT if you're seeing The Hangover Part 3 this weekend!
If Jupiter was the same distance as the Moon.
pic.twitter.com/x0jT0YsRnH These photos will make you say WTF
pic.twitter.com.bz/fMO8u Some guy just said they should make a wheelchair with pedals, So they don't have to use their hands ... I'm done being part of this world.
Incredible Guggenheim Museum
pic.twitter.com.bz/cnYL4 
Water slide in the closet.
pic.twitter.com/9sTavWwp3s This picture looks like a painting at first glance, but the orange is actually the sand dunes.
pic.twitter.com.bz/ooizF Just once in my life I'd like to see someone slip on a banana peel.
It's funny when people are telling you a story and you're just thinking 'lie lie lie lie' but you go along with it anyway.
It's always awkward when autocorrect ruins conversations:
pic.twitter.com.bz/c7n1D How do I face my problems when my problem is my face?
Me: Define illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Yoga pants give me yogurt pants.
I'm just standing here naked on my porch, waiting for Google Streetview to take my picture.
Guys that try to pick up girls on twitter are pathetic... Girls, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it.
A Chinese guy robbed me earlier... The police narrowed it down to 750,000 suspects.
The guy at the sandwich shop asked if I wanted bacon on my sandwich. I just gave him a funny look until he put it on.
It's always awkward when autocorrect ruins conversations:
I don't make typos I make new words.
Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.
Dear girls, please stop making these faces on Instagram.. Sincerely Everyone.
pic.twitter.com.bz/bWeAX In 20 years, one of the hardest things kids will have to do is find a username that hasn't already been taken.
When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says "Aww you were so cute! What happened?" Bitch, I got sexy, thats what happened.
That moment of terror when you lose sight of a spider, and suddenly become a victim in your own home.
We all have a friend that only gets called by their nickname.. It sounds weird to even say their real name.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Tripping over an object, then verbally abusing it.
Laughing so hard no noise comes out so you just sit there clapping like a retarded seal.
Since when can you take a cardboard cut out to prom? These couples are ridiculous..
twitpic.cc/ntlf6 
This just makes you smile.
pic.twitter.com/KmXQejpP9n The best things in life aren’t things.
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, addictive, fattening, expensive, or impossible.
"Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.Jack fell down&broke his crown&NOW HE'S LYING ON THE COLD HARD GROUND
*goat screams*
I gave a fuck once. It was terrible.
You look more confused than a blind lesbian at a fish market.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food.
On the bright side I am not addicted to cocaine.
You know your childhood is over when you fall asleep on the couch, and wake up on the couch.
Sarcasm is the best answer to a stupid question.
Who invented hugs? I mean the first hug would have been so awkward.
"What are you doing? Why are you holding me??" "Shhh just trust me"
The best way to a girls heart is punching through the ribcage.
Cigarettes are just like hamsters. Perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.