Why put cookie dough in the oven when u can put it in your mouth?
❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ Doesn't matter, I’m awesome.
I’m thankful for all the different ways I can eat potatoes
Chocolate dipped Strawberries pic.twitter.com/NI79ADBnvM
Chocolate Sea Salt Cookie & Dulce De Leche Ice Cream Sandwiches pic.twitter.com/Giet3wQQIR
History As Instagrams pic.twltter.com.bz/f251g
This is so cool!
I wish my phone would stop correcting "omg" to "OMG"... I'm not that shocked.
All I want for Christmas is you.
LOL JK I want an iPhone 5S
I hate texting people who don't use smileys. I feel like I'm texting Kristen Stewart.
21 Incredible Closeups of the Human Eye pic.twltter.com.bz/ltdIn
Hottest Pics Of Selena Gomez
Gay marriage is illegal but these aren't... pic.twitter.com/i0AIUb6DGg
Me every night: I can have exactly 7 hours 23 minutes and 48 seconds of sleep if I fall asleep right now.
Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you:
1. She's quiet
2. She's yelling
3. She acts the same
4. She acts different
5. She murdered you
I won’t be impressed by technology until the day I can close the YouTube app but the music continues playing
Starbucks Has A Secret Menu!!! pic.twltter.com.bz/Dgrb7
Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mom scares me.
Here’s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Why are iphone chargers not called apple juice...
Ladies, don't be proud that every guy wants you.. Cheap items have many buyers.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave.
Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.
at least miley is getting paid to act ratchet, the rest of you do it for free
If I text you after "k" your ass better feel special.
Hmm... 666... 6+6+6=18... 18... Obama was once 18... Very scary. Not sure what this information means, brought to you by Fox News.
Are these landscapes.. or cereal? You decide: pic.twltter.com.bz/PDcnQ
A cop stopped me and asked, "do you know why I followed you?" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail.
Things I never learned in High school.
Buy a house
Apply for college
But thank God I can graph a polynomial function.
etc = end of thinking capacity.
I want a job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups
My friend Phillip had his lip removed today.
We call him Phil now.
These cats will make your day LOL pic.twltter.com.bz/qSv6u
I just realized why they call it "The mall".
Instead of going to one store just go to "them all"
Them all =The Mall.
roses are red
violets are blue
sunflowers are yellow
i bet you were expecting something romantic but this is just gardening facts
When someone yells stop, I don't know if it's in the name of love, it's hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear?
If Britney Spears can get through 2007, you can get through today.
Damnnnnnn gurrrrrrrl are you a fire detector?
Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying.
17 Images You Won’t Believe Weren’t Photoshopped pic.twltter.com.bz/yY3lZ
How to end your essay:
"You feel me?"
accidentally punched myself in the face trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn’t accurately describe my life i don’t know what does
*When my name was in a math problem*
Class: *Stares at me*
Me: That's right bitches, I bought 60 watermelons..
Perks of dating me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't need to
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Speak English, kiss French, drive German, dress Italian, spend Arab, party Caribbean.