Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Create your own wall, sign in free!
Alan Garner
musiccomedyactor 1,032,740 followers
When your pet walks out of the room:
When you want a piece of someone’s food, so you sit there looking at them like
When you’ve just coughed your lungs out and your friend asks if you’re ok:
When your twitter app randomly closes by itself
Me: "I'm hungry" Friend: "But you just ate" Me:
Shoutout to the girls who text first. Love you mom.
Cat looks weird because it's inbred
When you wake up in the middle of the night, and realize that you still have time to sleep
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant "ducking."
When someone won’t shut up, and you’re just like, shhhh
Has this girl slept with Tiger Woods and Jay Z 😂�
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Taking a nap is always so risky, like when will I wake up? In thirty minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can be sure.
plot twist: a butterfly gets a tattoo of a slut on her back
If watermelon exists, why doesn’t earthmelon, firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I like to hangout with people that make me forget to look at my phone.
Makes me laugh every time. 😂😂
Whenever you feel like a fatty, just remember
when you're trying to tell a story but your friends aren't listening
My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.
Life tip: when nothing goes right go to sleep
I'm a huge fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, three hundred million dollars.
"I need to talk to you" is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human and you're like "yep, I like this one". Then you just do stuff with them.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Waiting for the day that this happens to me..
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
I don’t have Instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
I’m in shape. Unfortunately, it’s the shape of a potato.