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Alan Garner
Whoever came up with this is genius.
When you're swimming and suddenly seaweed touches your toes
This would be the most glorious poop ever.
He's collecting parts for his spaceship... So he can go to otter space.
Idiot of the week award goes to...
When you're home alone taking a shower and you hear a noise
When someone has the same name as you.
Sharks are way less scary with human teeth
Eminem always looks like he told a joke but nobody heard it and then someone repeated it louder and everyone laughed
Current mood: ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀
Saw a pigeon having a job interview earlier. Really hope he got it.
Me every time I'm at a restaurant and the waiter comes by to ask how the food is
When you're trying to make plans in the group chat.
When you're mad at someone but then they ask if you want food.
When someone touches my neck.
I saved you a seat.
If you remember this, it means you've been through the "no internet" struggle.
Whenever this happens, I have to choose which grammatical sin I'll have to make in order to send a tweet...
Greatest weather device ever.
And that's how I eat a cake.
Me: I'm just going to have one scoop

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