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Alan Felyk

writing sport books comedy 119,939 followers
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I’ve noticed that things get complicated when other people get involved. Stop it. amzn.to/1drootb
  4h
Who taught you how to market a garage sale? Get some imagination. Like these people did. bit.ly/16gAqIW #fb
  5h
If the wanted posters for you are out, perhaps it time to hide in plain sight. chzb.gr/11nCheZ #fb
  6h
Atlas is busy. Time for you social media slackers to put a shoulder into it and push those asteroids away. bit.ly/10xeQRW #fb
  7h
Why pay? Do it the @SashaGrey way. Join the NSA. Today. bit.ly/11xfvOD
  7h
When Rod Stewart sang "Hot Legs," this is exactly what he was talking about: bit.ly/16eYX0Z
  8h
Motown planning to mow down pensioners. bloom.bg/19gSUux #fb
  9h
A $100 croissant donut? Just practice for impending apocalypse? And, no, you can't afford coffee with it. on.today.com/14IH1wu #fb
How government would report this: 30% of the 92.4% of workers who have jobs like them. bit.ly/19OIkOd #fb
Ladies, show this to the man of the house when you make your case to keep the toilet lid DOWN: yhoo.it/16eR6R9 #fb
There are cat people and dog people. The latter ones are easy to spot with their heads hanging out the car window. bit.ly/sdrootb
I thought aqueous humor was something we all agreed to laugh at. Laughing so hard, in fact, our eyes would water. bit.ly/19NENQk #fb
Your chances of dying from an airplane crash or asteroid/comet impact are the same. Now I can’t fly or go outside. amzn.to/1drootb
@AlanFelyk ✨😊✨thank u for the follow Excited to check out ur book💥
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Probably had to be stoned to come up with a few of these: bit.ly/15f01PX #fb
Dan, you've been listening to a pair of guys who named themselves after a giant, steam-powered steely dildo. bit.ly/19f1av9
Now boarding Rows 26-32 for Flight 999 to Oz ... bit.ly/129EXs0 #fb
At 150 mph, he wasn't driving fast enough. Otherwise he wouldn't have got caught. abcn.ws/11V7AgV #fb
The only advice I’d ever give anyone on the Internet is never trust anyone on the Internet.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'd explain this extravagant lifestyle, but we're not supposed to talk. Remember? bit.ly/16BhUf4 #fb
Hoffa didn't buy the farm. At least not the one he may be buried on. bit.ly/127Csqm #fb
"I did not take those things. Who ya gonna believe? Me or your feline eyes?" bbc.in/19KO8bE #fb
Hopefully we can get these photos uploaded to Facebook before we're arrested. bit.ly/14eRYDP #fb
When somebody says they're trying to take a shot on the basketball court, this is NOT acceptable: bit.ly/11L69OR #fb
Little did you know the airport security line is really TSA's catwalk. "You're too sexy for your shirt ..." yhoo.it/14ePaa0 #fb
Zimbabwe’s 2008 inflation rate: 89.7 sextillion percent. Wonder if they pined for the old days of 12-digit inflation. bit.ly/sjHOTO
Well--turns out Web MD is not in Maryland, after all :( *drives home
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Fav of the day | “@AlanFelyk: After I’m dead, you’ll still be reading my tweets through an auto scheduler. It’s like a tombsday device...”
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
@AlanFelyk Kinda like "are stars really there or did they die millions of years ago and we're just getting their old light?"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
@AlanFelyk Not going to lie, that tweet made me choke. It was that awesome. lol
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
After I’m dead, you’ll still be reading my tweets through an auto scheduler. It’s like a tombsday device. amzn.to/1drootb
My theory is that Martians planted the seed so that our world would look like theirs. usat.ly/11UeKBX #fb
Well they HAD to, didn't they? THEY just couldn't be replaced. yhoo.it/17RPEYQ #fb
Jack Daniels BBQ sauce and being sauced on Jack Daniels. A bearish combination. bit.ly/16A54Og #fb
Why yes, he did get carted away to jail. It was his lot in life. bit.ly/11JyaGE #fb
I would like to return my Monday in exchange for another Friday. I’ll even pay a restocking fee if necessary.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Remember last week when the NSA said concerns over call listening were warrantless? So is the listening. cnet.co/1ajNlgz #fb
Chris Farley warned you about living in a van down by the river. He said nothing about parking it at Duke. yhoo.it/ZWlSx6 #fb
Brahaha, er. brouhaha resolved in Milwaukee. yhoo.it/11iyorH #fb
City trims another Good Samaritan from the list of those helping the homeless. bit.ly/17f4Mjz #fb
I don’t mind living under 756 kilo-volt power lines. It takes out the straight-shot possibility for kamikaze UFOs. amzn.to/1drootb
Are you an American who's afraid of traveling to a third-word nation? Worry no more. We'll bring it to you. bit.ly/17cf2Jf #fb
I am a rock. I am Rhode Island. Duck and cover, baby. yhoo.it/19DJ7RY #fb
Just when did the tide turn on water bed sales? bit.ly/sdrootb
Hopefully the drunken pricks who did this will be apprehended. bit.ly/1aesY4h
What do you do with invasive species? Why you cook and eat them. Let that be a lesson, Martians. bit.ly/1662q1S #fb
Chelsea Clinton says we need a woman in the White House. But you're dad isn't there any more to hire an intern. bit.ly/17aHYkV #fb
So this explains why the (insert "Democrats" or "Republicans" here) are so stupid. They're all dopamines. bit.ly/10k609Z #fb
So, 56% of the people DO have something to hide. bit.ly/12MG6xp #fb
If you’re scarred for life, take comfort that the mark won’t last for eternity. amzn.to/1drootb