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Alan Felyk
Relationship status: Some guy just did a u turn in my driveway.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
As a former cab driver, I can appreciate these: funnyordie.com/articles/0ff12…
Sorry I slapped your cup of decaf out of your hand, but it's for your own good.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
How many more restraining orders are you going to issue me before you realize that I’m the love of your life?!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You don't chase your pills with NyQuil? Amateur.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
People who never create a mess that they need to fix afterwards, what do you do with your time?!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Mobile phone owners: 4.8 billion people. Toothbrush owners: 4.2. Teacher: Using the numbers given, how many hillbillies have phones?
I bet you'd like me more if you knew me less.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My tombstone will read: I'm looking up your dress
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My bestestestes ruined my birthday party and now I don't know who to complain to
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A good way to know you'll be paying more than 5 dollars for a coffee is if the guy making it looks like one of the lumineers.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
There are two types of human beings on twitter. One who gets enormous amount of follows and retweets on posts. And the others are men.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Comedy usually comes from a dark place. But I swear I'll punch you if you're in my closet.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
In this latest twitter update, you're actually able to smell your TC's armpits.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Before you injure the next character in your book: bit.ly/1RdKMRC #amwriting
No more Taco Bell humor that mentions diarrhea. Enough of that running joke.
Facebook allows you to edit your post even if people have liked or commented on it. Don’t think I wouldn’t have fun with that on Twitter.
Is it too much to ask Jewel to put out entire album of yodeling?
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days i lost two weeks.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You are like a first slice of bread. Everybody touches you but nobody wants you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Why do wrestlers fight over belts when the y don't even wear pants? They might as well be fighting over cummerbunds.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Booty so big you could put a spoiler on it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I break into hives whenever I need honey.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The Catholic Church says the abstinence is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. Ha! Tell that to the Virgin Mary
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Keep your marriage fresh and spontaneous by asking your spouse to fetch you something just as soon as your spouse sits down.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Ancient ankle biters? The latest excerpt from Damaged Beyond All Recognition: on.fb.me/1LvgYwy #amwriting
no matter how loud you crank your music, its still a pt cruiser
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You’ll never have to run alongside the Crazy Train to jump aboard. For you, it will back up.
Some people are like slinkys. Not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Been married for so long we can finish each other's sentences. My favorite is "shut the fuck up!"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Golf clap? Is that the kind of STD that dimples your balls and takes the head off your putter? I may have had that before.
My go-to cooking tool is a hammer...and not a very clean one. #WhyImATerribleCookIn5Words
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
What's my room number? I didn't come all the way to Vegas to remember shit.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
People who claim to have a sixth sense … Was that part of an dealer-installed accessory package?
When someone directs me to watch or read something someone else did and it sucks, I don't know who to hate first
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I get so nervous around cops, I'm convinced they know that I never paid all my Blockbuster Video fines.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don’t trust joggers – they are always the first ones to find dead bodies.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm pretty sober, but I'm gorgeous drunk.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Does running away from your problems count as cardio?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It’s just fine to be passive sometimes: bit.ly/1do5csU #amwriting
There’s a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation in the White House Oval Office? Can’t we put it somewhere more secure than that?
Somewhere, somebody has a dick pic posted courtesy of Google Maps. Where’s Waldo’s nuts?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk