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Alan Felyk
Changed my Facebook relationship status to "widowed." And now we wait.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
[waits for call] [waits for call] [waits for call] [goes outside, forgets phone] [receives call]
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The highest tribute that a reader can pay an author is to take the time to read his/her book. #amwriting
Being valedictorian of your homeschool class only counts if your family was larger than the Duggars.
How the hell does anyone shop at BJ’s and keep from laughing? Serious question.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You're toxic... So, what are you up to tonight?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
White-out. For large portions of my life.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Make sure you poke my tweets with a stick first before you fav or retweet them.
Cats are more than likely than dogs to eat their dead owners. You might want to leave some extra food out if you’re feeling chest pains.
I just saw the worlds oldest cocktail waitress. It gave me such hope for the future.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Being an asshole has its perks. I can pucker up to anything!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't even have the energy to lie about getting laid.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's 2am, so obviously I am just laying here wondering if I remembered to do something I forgot about six months ago.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Washing your car is the white man's rain dance.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I almost have the formula for the perfect tweet. So far all I have is 2 farts, 9 shits, 7 tiny dicks, 3 gaping vaginas, & an armpit fetish.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Brady Bunch is on. Dad is teaching Peter how to fight. Shit just got real.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Just found my phone...almost as good as an orgasm!!!!! Nawwww😁😁😁
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Cleaning a litter box while pregnant can cause birth defects in babies. Probably a good thing that so many cat women are single.
If I hold the elevator for you, you don't get to hold it for other people. Learn the rules.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Watching the guy from the UPS store drop off stuff at the post office. It feels naughty.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Don't mind me I'm just waiting to be unfollowed
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Celebrity Wife Swap? So when does the cross-porking begin?
Argentina had 5 presidents in 10 days in 2001. Now that’s the kind of quality control testing we need in the U.S.
Perhaps you need a break in your thoughts: bit.ly/1TJENWZ #amwriting
All change is stressful. Just ask the werewolves who live in your neighborhood. #TBTTweet
Not to brag, but I'm really talented at finding places to sit down.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I quit being judgmental when I found out it didn’t pay worth a shit. #TBTTweet
*scrolls manically through the 2000+ songs on my phone for one that doesn't suck*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm the pervert in yoga class that thinks every pose would make a good sexual position.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Posted a sticky note to my workstation. "Be Excellent" Really going to fuck with them now.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I think I see a new 'most beautiful woman I've ever seen' at least twice a day
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My girlfriends tombstone will read "I kept talking during a movie."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The very worst STD you can get is probably KIDS.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Nothing says 'I've made poor life decisions' like a couch in your front yard.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I cut a coupon out of the paper, get a code word from the radio, then watch a morning show & answer 3 questions, I get 10% off a coffee.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Race my car if you want but if you start winning,...I'm swerving into your bike lane
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I'm weird around you, that means I'm comfortable with you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
We should all give Earth a one star rating on TripAdvisor so hostile aliens won't want to come here.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You can tell a lot about a person by their car.... For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The difference between an online boyfriend and a real one is the online one is always in your phone. Who knows where the real one fucking is
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sorry I was checking out my hair in your mirrored sunglasses the whole time you were talking to me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Dirty mirror on your selfie is also a filter.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Do you ever scroll down your newsfeed and think: "Don't care" "Whore" "Your life sucks" "Song lyrics" "Inside joke?" "Needs a therapist?"
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just saw a sign on the women's toilet saying ‘Out Of Order’ - turns out that it was just full of shit.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don’t like stalkers. I just don’t need the competition. #TBTTweet




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