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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,185 followers
Crossing your #eyes is the simple way of relaying that double-finger-to-the eyes, then-back-at-ya, I’m-watching-you thing.
Exhausted. My writing groove just became part of an all-season radial tire running over my back. #amwriting
Who in #Hell would have devised the #IceBucketChallenge? The answer is everybody. Everybody.
Rush Hour Prank: Hand the tollbooth attendant a human eyeball and whisper "Madness has already taken its toll."
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Super bummed that no one wants me to be their 40 year old grandmother exchange student.
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This week I decided to follow all of the suggested people that #Twitter sends to me. You know what? They’re no better than you #bastards.
This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises. 👀
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#Dinosaur footprints on display in Utah? I’m not that trusting. What if one of them is doing that double-back trick we always see in movies?
“I’ve always had a big head—not in the egotistical sense ... My hat size is 7 and 7/8.” #amwriting
Weight-loss groups seem to be the rage now. I wish they would stop with the #diet tribes.
I tried keeping up with the Kardashians, but now it burns when I pee.
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A woman on #Twitter just prepositioned me: “Over and out,” she said before she #blocked me.
Weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from...
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Tacos don't care if you don't call them back.
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Vegetarians are people who have had all their #dreams squashed. Things just mushroomed from there. Lettuce respect their #beliefs.
Don’t hear apropos songs in your head while you’re writing scenes? Then it’s harder than it needs to be. #amwriting
I take personal checks and money. It never hurts to mention that. I suspect some of you have sent money to that #PrinceInNigeria.
I don’t believe anybody who says on #Twitter that they’re crazy. Now, if you want to prove it, post your telephone number.
Fact: If you hear something three times, you begin to think it’s #true. Let’s try: I’m funny. I’m funny. I’m funny.
Remember that one time you thought you were falling in love again? Never ever do that shit. Ever.
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Ppl that rt how many favstar stars they got rubbed off their genitals a long long time ago
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Just killed a minor character in my upcoming book. Don’t worry—he didn’t suffer. #amwriting
I could be a better #friend. And you could have lower #expectations.
Fact: If you passionately make out with a houseplant at the beginning of a party, people tend to leave you alone for the rest of it
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Guys... We need to prepare ourselves for the day when Justin Bieber is doing reverse mortgage commercials.
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