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Alan Felyk
Drug lord Pablo Escobar had so much #money he spent $2,500 on rubber bands for it. Oh snap.
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @Morgaine620. A true friend of writers everywhere because she is one of us:
It’s the not the quantity of the follow, it’s the quality of the swallow.” —What sluts say on Twitter.
.@IndyJazzBelle I when I said "weird," I meant in that very endearing way. LOL.
Now that he’s married, I guess I can’t use George Clooney’s photo and personal information on my dating profile anymore.
You might want to keep "watch" on that clock, dear.
I ask my main characters if they object to what I’m about to have them do. If they say “yes,” I know I’m onto something. #amwriting
She likes me better than she likes her husband. And that’s only because she has never lived with me.
Is it possible to screw up a woman’s first kiss? Why, yes. Yes, it is. #amwriting
It blows my mind that he genuinely believes there is a left sock and a right sock and that they are different.
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.@IndyJazzBelle Always seemed best to observe that 100-foot perimeter regardless.
Never say “I’m sorry I haven’t been on Twitter for a while.” Tell the truth: “Been too busy stalking people in real life to be posting.”
A universal remote? This changes everything!
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I'm not going bald. I'm getting more head.
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Someone just asked how Monday was treating me. "Like a whore with herpes" is apparently not good mother/daughter chit-chat. Whatevs.
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Every year I draw a face on a pumpkin and put a police hat on it and then I put it on the porch and call it Security Gourd
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Spank me with your size 11 inch flip flop. Yoweee
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*sits in lawn chair, eats chips, and watches twitter factory floor* This lull between shifts is so full of anticipation...
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Anybody can be an asshole, but why so many volunteer?
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Twitter needs a "flush" option for shitty tweets.
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Mood rings were full of arsenic and mercury. Just like that person you bought it for to forecast their emotional swings.
I follow literary agents because one of them just might represent my big break … with publishing reality. #amwriting
“I’m the next big thing.” —What all contestants on The #BiggestLoser say. Probably.
.@topaz006 It's highly addictive. I don't like to keep it in the fridge. So I usually eat it as soon as I pull it out of the grocery bag.
.@topaz006 Cherry Garcia with extra chocolate and whipped cream.
.@topaz006 Twitter imitates real life.They all leave eventually. *Immerses sorrow in large bowl of ice cream*
“You had 10 followers. I kept retweeting you. Now you have 10,000 followers. Then you forget who I am.” —Twitter #crushes
Don’t forget to celebrate your insignificance in the universe today.
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It's a good thing that you told us you're funny in your bio because otherwise we would have never known..
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3rd down and long -A story of some people's life
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You're so cute when you're not a cheating whore.
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I like to send Cher to all my heavy metal friends.
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Late-night infomercials are a housewife's version of last call.
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Jealousy will always be the least elegant form of love.
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Hearts are wild creatures, that's why our ribs are cages. {{❤️}}
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Me: I’m getting too old for this... Woke up at Tom’s place this morning Friend: Who’s Tom? Me: Exactly!!
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.@Ideal_Victoria I can recognize good science fiction when I see it. Oh wait ... that wasn't about me, was it?
.@ChuckSambuchino Sounds like a great event for Denver area writers. Might see you there.
High 5! @colmherron: @AlanFelyk Vonnegut was a hero. Still is. Good luck with your work. I write novels & essays.
Researchers: Sunday morning sleep-ins thwart #sex drive later in the day. OK. What is the explanation for the other six days?
OMG! Everything everybody says on twitter is REAL! ~ idiots
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I know what it’s like to be unloved. I’m an author for God’s sakes. #amwriting
“There are no #rules in a knife fight.” —The first and only rule of knife fighting.
Why do baby clothes have pockets? For mom's smokes.
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I check #references before I follow someone. Mostly I look for the sexual ones that you make on your timeline.
No more bestiality tweets. Let's do something innocuous like celebrity crushes. Mine is Lassie.
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