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Alan Felyk
Hey, random ass strangers who tell me to "smile more"... please thoroughly fuck off. Thanks.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A great thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The success of #spam e-mails that ask for your bank account number is nature’s proof we aren’t running out of #stupid.
It doesn’t matter how many people touch your book. It matters how your book touches them. #amwriting amzn.to/1drootb
I'm just gonna throw this out there. If I look at ur profile & in the first 3 tweets I see the words 'Bae or Followback' you're dead to me.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
C’mon … You can #trust me. In fact, check out my website: bit.ly/1mUOmjb
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don't stare...unless you're wearing sunglasses. 😎
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Sometimes I #follow back because I have the notion that you can never have enough #sluts on board.
I bet people get scared whenever they see a #wreckingball stop in front of their house. You know, the #MileyCyrus watch …
A good life goal is to be as happy about anything as the people in commercials are about wearing adult diapers.
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I thought Boom Clap was a song about a quickie that resulted in gonorrhea. *shrug*
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Employees must wash face before returning to work.. - glory hole restrooms.
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I think drinking a beer in the shower is a perfectly acceptable way to start my Friday night
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Science fiction doesn’t need to explain technology in small detail. That’s what science textbooks are for. #amwriting bit.ly/1dbarfb
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I never try to come off as the most #intelligent person in the room. And for some reason, it’s never been a problem.
Just got a thank you card for sending a thank you card...ohh, it's on!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I can only introduce you to new things. Whether you choose to put them up your ass is not my issue.
According to Guinness, the world record for most Ice Bucket Challenges completed is held by Guantanamo Bay inmate #4337.
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The man who wrote New York City’s first traffic code never drove. That explains a lot.
Only people with shitty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs .
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When I said Chris Brown knows how to drop a killer beat, I meant musically as well as domestically.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sometimes it's better to be an amateur and do things with love than be a professional and do things for money.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The goal of any book should be that readers enjoy it at least half as much as you did writing it. #amwriting bit.ly/sjHOTO
“Question everything.” —The buzz phrase that started the Spanish Inquisition. Probably.
I've entered the soup and sandwich phase of my life. Apparently.
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Twitter has been suggesting TV weather women for me to follow. And they’re all hot.
So it turns out that men don't like it when you tell them they are wrong. I know this because I know everything.
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Fact: I post way too many photos of my cats. On a related note, I have way too many cats.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The tone of the day has been set early. Pass the torches and lighter fluid.
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I hate being bipolar. It's awesome.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The “pizza” setting on the microwave oven meets all of my cooking needs.
#AmWriting “Kurt Vonnegut told me to write this book. He didn’t do it through a personal meeting over (cont) tl.gd/n_1s6ekme
Accepting responsibility for a #divorce doesn’t means admitting you were the one who approached first when the two of you first met.
.@Dodger1313 Yes, in fact I am writing a new book. Damaged Beyond All Recognition: bit.ly/1dbarfb
Ladies, if you decide to hit on a #random man in real life, don’t hesitate to use the true “grab bag” approach.
I just want to fester in your head. Is that so wrong?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Making the whole world glad to not be married to me, one twitter dude at a time.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If I see a parked car with those stick figure family stickers, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’ve lived here 20 months. I still open the sock drawer when I want to open the #underwear drawer. And vice versa. #PavlovsDog
Some of us were handed monthly quotas for #mistakes. And some of us were not.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @rodbarroga. He tracks the good stuff on Twitter.
#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @GrabTheWEness. But you really do have to watch what you grab.
“There is no such thing as an original thought.” —#Plagiarists on Twitter. Probably.
Crossing your #eyes is the simple way of relaying that double-finger-to-the eyes, then-back-at-ya, I’m-watching-you thing.
Exhausted. My writing groove just became part of an all-season radial tire running over my back. #amwriting bit.ly/1dbarfb