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“Thanks for the recent blowjob. Good luck to you in your future endeavors.” —Tweet that you can send to all unfollowers
Good morning? That sounds like a partial commitment to my well-being.
I think I have Alzheimer's because I can't remember when I asked for your fucking opinion.
Axe body spray is perfect for when you want women not to hit on you.
10 Incredibly Fun Facts About The Alphabet: bit.ly/1Lq5dLf #amwriting
The only things in this technological world that remain at low resolution are the critical problems facing humankind.
"Has my 401k become a 200.5k?" --Most common question asked today
I count my chats with female store clerks as dates. No one has ever said I couldn't.
It's why I'm always alone on Saturday night.
For Taco Tuesday perhaps?
How do I put an emoji in my twitter handle so I can be more annoying
Can't. Trying to get the smell of kimchi out of my hair.
Facebook, because I love seeing my ex- boyfriend date someone w/ bigger boobs & better skin than me
If you feel like a major slut, just keep in mind that the Statue of Liberty has had way more people inside of her than you have.
Alcohol makes you puke out all the feelings you've swallowed.
When your tweet doesn’t get a ton of RTs, it’s easiest to assume that your followers just don’t have as sophisticated sense of humor as you
I love auto DMs that include my first name as a personal touch.
Good Morning. Avi change. Don't forget me today. I need constant validation.
So what’s the big deal about shape shifters? I started out rectangular, now I’m round. Pffft.
"I'm the one on drugs and I have to be the one to tell you what the hell is going on?" --Nick from #FearTheWalkingDead
Don't apologize. I love watching parades in the rain.
You had me at "hello,"
But lost me at "true dat."
This $10 bottle of wine really compliments the robust red sauce of these spaghettiO's.
“Who is that?”
*Glares at screen making humming noise*
“I KNEW IT! ”
-Me with every single movie and TV show
Why you should(n’t) date a writer: bit.ly/1J9iJNC #amwriting
I tried to trademark that look. twitter.com/web_supergirl/…
I’m old enough to ask Visiting Angels to establish a full-scale base of operations in my spare bedroom.
*Favs and retweets the past. Mutes the present. Blocks the future.*
This guy asked me if I even understand what the word "opposite" means and I was like I do and I don't.
Sometimes it's best that hidden talents continue hiding.
I forget something new every day.
From the perspective of a Canadian living in the southern U.S.:
Humidity-induced, testicular-shrinkage is a leading cause of southern drawls
As a dual U.S./Canadian citizen, I think I know everything...but I'm too polite to admit it.
As a Coloradan, I'm always amused by these stories ... twitter.com/ecmooreauthor/…
A check engine light, but for your head.
Only the richest of people can add ground hamburger to their spaghetti.
Months after high school I finally translated what my French teacher wrote in my yearbook...
I hope therapy helps.
I'll follow you if your avi is a dog. Dog people are kind; chances are I won't end up in your trunk. Yes, I'm sure I read that somewhere.
I asked my GPS to lead me to “middle ground.” I’m supposed to meet someone there.
Because it isn't going to set itself.
I get it neighbor dog,
I have really nice legs.
Drunk ⭕ meter : running into your own sliding glass door
15 Ways to Write a Novel: bit.ly/1Nw7qnW #amwriting
When your waitress introduces herself as your “server,” and you bolt from the place, thinking she has court papers for you.
Twitter is like the zoo. I’ll tap on the glass, make baby noises in your direction, and jump back if you approach.
You have a great one as well, Janice. twitter.com/OleHippieGal/s…
“We’re leaving you to your own devices.” —Something the mechanically disinclined don’t want to hear.
If I start butt humping you, it's best to just let me finish.
I lost touch with the sketchy dude I fucked last year, but he'll be back in town with the carnival Labor Day weekend.
I've been voted most likely to have a bug fly in my mouth while hitting on a hot guy.
I swallowed it, though.