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Alan Felyk
I don't apply eyeliner...I underline my stare.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
9h
The shit just doesn’t hit the run-of-the-mill fan in my world. I have a high-speed, rotating, oscillating model for maximum coverage.
Whoever wants a knight in a shiny armor?! I can hardly cope with doing the laundry. Who wants to polish metal on top of that?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Google earns more money than the combined primetime revenues of CBS, NBC, ABC, and FOX. I know—I looked it up on the Internet.
Still writing your manuscript in cursive? Maybe that’s a good thing: ti.me/1wyylmx #amwriting
Never date anybody who asks if your butt crack is ticklish. Especially if the answer is “yes.”
There's a big difference between a man and a woman saying "I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie last night".
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When I’m totally feeling some heavy hip-hop on a “I forgot I’m white” level & a brotha pulls up next to me & smiles at me like “nice try”
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Look at that one, it’s shaped like an idiot.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Goosebumps are called piloerections. And female bumps cause piles of erections.
Proof that the apocalypse is nigh: Commercials advertising the commercials that will air during the Super Bowl.
Literary agents love it when you do similar shit: bit.ly/1CVMyia #amwriting
His poetry detailed his fetishes; each escapade listed was truly per verse. #TBTTweet
Fuck off. You make my eyes burn.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“I can’t take a joke” -99% of the people on twitter 😂
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Subway because it's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just don't want to be the guy on his death bed who didn't get enough validation from complete strangers on the internet.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just referred to the Super Bowl as the football show. SERIOUSLY HOW AM I STILL SINGLE?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm like a praying mantis except with bananas
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I accidentally showed up for work on time and got reprimanded for impersonating a model employee.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I don't morning well with others.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The only thing I throwback on a Thursday is a glass of wine.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When the alarm wakes me each morning, I curse those "mean" people in Greenwich for their time. #TBTTweet
The most important 130 words: bit.ly/1Em7zqA #amwriting
Google plans to have scanned all known existing 130 million unique books by the end of the decade.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Researchers: A real orgasm burns 112 calories while a fake one burns 315. How should I know? It’s science.
[At a restaurant] Me: *shouts, “yes, Oh my god, yes! A thousand times yes!”* *everyone turns to clap as the waiter jots down cheese dip*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
In support of those with mental illness, I'll hit anyone's TL who retweets this by midnight tonight! TY my friends ❤️ #BellLetsTalk
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's made with 'love' that's why it tastes like shit.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You had me at zero mutual friends.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Sorry I said, "I'll catch the next one" when you invited me to your wedding.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If somebody ever steals my identity I just hope they have better luck with it than I did.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Layogenic” is used in the Philippines to refer to a person who only looks attractive from a distance. Don’t make me explain the “lay” part.
When I go for massage I tuck a balled up c-note in my asshole. If she's fishing in there and finds it, she earned it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
To one of my new followers: I checked out your profile. It's spelled "jizz" not "jeeze".
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I was going to put +18 in my bio but the way I giggle at fart jokes clearly shows I have the humor of a 12 year old
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My most commonly heard phrase: “THIS is why nobody will go out with you”
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The brain forgets certain memories to avoid information overload. I wonder why mine had to be so thorough.
I do the power walk of shame.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I made it my entire childhood without encountering a witch, 3 bears or losing my sheep
Retweeted by Alan Felyk