If you have a thing against 'double dipping' I suggest you not attend or participate in an orgy.
If your wife supports your midlife crisis decision to buy yourself a motorcycle, she wants you to DIE.
Is it OK to use a snorkel while you're motorboating?
I'm afraid of telling people what I'm afraid of.
A humble bow to @InnHuman
for placing a TOTD trophy on my bookshelf. Yes, just one more thing to dust, but it is special.
Give me coffee or give me a fucking bazooka
Looking for that "special" gal or guy? Don't bother with the bargain bins—they haven't produced anyone worthwhile.
My Christmas spirit comes from a bottle.
911 what's your emergency?
"I sat on a warm toilet seat."
You wanna talk about it?
Ok. Here if you need someone.
The Flaming Lips is hands down my favorite band named after Kim Kardashian's vagina
For the longest time she believed everything that came across that device. That's because she thought it was a FACTS machine.
If you need me, I'll be down at the bank opening a parody account.
no use trying to make plans with me. i'll always be too busy trying to remove period stains from my stuffed animals
Brushing your teeth before having breakfast is like wiping your ass before having a shit.
Not really looking forward to the porn that starts where a woman opens the door for the Amazon drone.
Wife or Life Alert? Wife or Life Alert? Wife or Life Alert? *Measuring wrist size*
It's a good bet that even some of the devil's lesser tricks are pretty impressive.
First that asshole cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, And then his stupid damn car got paint on my key.
I'm smarter than I look. I say that like it's a big accomplishment.
Buying a Christmas tree is the only time all year I talk to someone wearing a jean jacket.
Change is hard.
Ever try bending a coin?
I sound so much sexier when I'm losing my voice.
You’d think evolution would’ve taken care of butthole hair by now.
The guy who lives in the apartment below me sounds like Eric Clapton playing the guitar … for the first time ever.
If you're going to talk out of your ass, at least put a little lipstick around your butt hole.
I feel bad for all the dyslexic kids writing letters to Satan.
The wife has a pattern of watching Tom Brady, taking a shower, then complaining about lack of pressure from the detachable showerhead.
Breaking: coworker who normally picks his earwax with car keys apparently doesn't discriminate from using pens to do the job.
Calling Uncle Ernie part of our extended family was a nice way of saying he always had something poking through his open zipper.
I refreshed your avi.
It didn’t help.
how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how's that feel, Stlerbecks?
Ladies, the difference between Prince Charming and Prince Harming? Really, don't you C it?
My pickup line is “Hi, I think this is your latte.” And then I bring up the Constitution, which is being shredded these days
Pays for haircut. Tips for scalp massage.
When I exercise I always choose to run on the street instead of the sidewalk so when a car drives by I can throw myself under it
If ninja means getting this crumb off my screen without accidentally starring your tweet, then yes I'm a ninja.
Erectile dysfunction could be a matter of blood flow. Or that she's as hideous as Jake from State Farm.
It's not you. It's your inability to treat anyone but yourself like a human being.
Sorry you gave me your heart for Christmas and I've already regifted it.
I have 10 minutes left of my lunch to eat my sub, not sure what I'll do with the other nine.
Adulthood is going to the grocery store for a specific item and coming back with a case of beer and no regrets.
Sister Golden Hair was a song about a nun's drapes that didn't match her rug … wasn't it?
Whole Foods Intercom: "If you have a forest green Subaru in the parking lot, your lights are on."
**everyone walks out**
Not getting blind drunk and making out with Meg from accounting at the office party is all I want for Christmas this year.
The Bridge Over Troubled Water has been added to the nation's soon-to-fail infrastructure list.
Not to brag or anything but at one time I had the #1 tweet on twitter. Then..... a second person joined :(
If you're a vulgar, rude, asshole, you're probably my soul mate.
Flick it, lick it and then stick it.
Why is it when you call someone on accident they ALWAYS answer?
"Insert trimmer head into nasal or aural cavity." OK, so I misread "aural." But now it's ready to be bleached.