Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Create your own wall, sign in free!
Alan Felyk
Share this on Twitter “Just stumbled across this cool page for Alan Felyk”
Want to Grow Your Twitter Following, Free?
A group of flamingos is called a ‘flamboyance.” All right. I’m flipping the bird to the person who came up with that.
In addition to Fritos on my pizza, I like to add a heap of sadness and regret.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Moms love to blame our post-baby belly pooch on our children, when we all know it's really from all the wine.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear demon voices telling you "It must be done."
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The price of chipotle guac has risen more than minimum wage these last few years
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The reason it looks like I’m overtweeting? Might have something to do with the fact that you only have two other followers, who are mimes.
It should be a crime to look this good, especially since I stole this jacket.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you have armhair curtains I'm gonna have to say no.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A room with an outlet for my charger is always preferable to a room with a view.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Listen to your gut. Unless it's telling you to Super Size your meal.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Let me rub my face on the wart on your back, so I know it's real.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My biggest regret is that I wish I had Twitter when I was with my ex so I could have neglected him more often.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Serial killers probably pick women like a magician picks an assistant from a crowd: the one that looks like she’s ready to be sawed in half.
Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Current status: No less than 90% denial
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I could really fix this world if I could create characters in real life like I can in fiction. #amwriting bit.ly/1FaYxdJ
Women have described me as hot, but only when temperatures have hit 100 degrees.
“Subtweeting” sounds so gentle. Just call it for what it is: “Fuck off and you know who you are.”
It’s easy to get a woman into your bed. Find one that’s hitchhiking, and let her climb into the back of your pickup truck.
.@drmani Thanks so much for the kind words.
2 nice books I read recently. #1: 'Damaged Right Out of the Box' by @AlanFelyk - amazon.com/exec/obidos/IS…
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Are my ideas better when I look up and to the left or up and to the right?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I’m living proof that anybody can do it. Especially if “it” remains largely undefined. #amwriting
If Buffalo can survive 84 inches of snow, I can survive 2 inches of dust on my furniture.
I am literally driving in serial killer country. Where there is no place to pee.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Just wondering about the reason that ships are referred to as females. Is it because the captain is expected to go down on her?
One question about the afterlife: Is there going to be a lot of stairs?
All this darkness and cold makes me want to hunt wild cattle, slay them and eat it all by a raging fire in the woods. Basically insane.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Don't you just hate it when someone expects you to have a plan? on.fb.me/1xKRaFM
A fiction writer never has to ask “can I quote you on that?” #amwriting
This tweet would sound far more soothing if Morgan Freeman read it aloud. #TBTTweet
Let’s reveal the winners . . . Whenever I hear that phrase, I always hope it’s a wet T-shirt contest. #TBTTweet
I don’t lie… unless it’s to children
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The fact that I just spent 2 minutes looking for keys that were in my hand tells u all u need to know about me...
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I bought my daughter a new shoe rack, so naturally, all her shoes are still in the floor beside it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Someone told me my tweets have become “trashy.” Thanks for the upgrade. Can you do the same for the U.S. credit rating? #TBTTweet
There was a heated political debate at dinner tonight and I was like, Should I add some mistletoe to my header for the holidays or no?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk