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Alan Felyk
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If I were a carpenter, and you were a hammered and nailed lady. #SongsAboutWood #TBTTweet
Just how often is the Periodic Table of the Elements checked? #TBTTweet
“You surprise yourself. You've got to do that, haven't you?” —Ralph Steadman regarding his art. What all writers need to do, too. #amwriting
The older I get, the more I appreciate people for what they’ve accomplished. Well, except for you back there … No.
The problem with a short-haired cats? You can’t tell whether it’s their fur or your pubes on the bathroom floor.
Somewhere on this planet, somebody is with the pilot that Stephen Stills describes in Treetop Flyer. #WhiteKnuckled
I get writer’s block and tackle. #GoneFishing #amwriting
“I’ll be signing autographs where most of my female fans congregate.” —Me, referring to Aisle 20 where all the cat food is sold.
We’ve been staring down each other for quite a while. Want to hit the follow button? Well, do ya, punk?
There’s a lack of chemistry in that locker room. They need more steroids so they can play like animals.
Not to brag, but I get blocked by the hottest women on Twitter
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It’s one thing to have a daily word count for your writing. It’s another to write words that count. #amwriting
I’d like to do the math, but only if it amounts to something.
.@web_supergirl About 50% complete. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am with the results so far. It's just a joy to work on it.
Thanks @AlanFelyk @JennyShellby @CKGallimore for being top engaged members in my community this week (insight by
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Look for people who you would want to sit next to you during a 12-hour plane flight. Those are the people you want to follow on Twitter.
.@web_supergirl *Pulls up a chair* I have nothing but time, dear. Hahaha.
He never struck her like one of the smartest men she had ever met. He always left a mark and got arrested.
As a writer, your job is to never state the obvious. Like “I #amtweeting.” #amwriting
A group of flamingos is called a ‘flamboyance.” All right. I’m flipping the bird to the person who came up with that.
In addition to Fritos on my pizza, I like to add a heap of sadness and regret.
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Moms love to blame our post-baby belly pooch on our children, when we all know it's really from all the wine.
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Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear demon voices telling you "It must be done."
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The price of chipotle guac has risen more than minimum wage these last few years
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The reason it looks like I’m overtweeting? Might have something to do with the fact that you only have two other followers, who are mimes.
It should be a crime to look this good, especially since I stole this jacket.
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If you have armhair curtains I'm gonna have to say no.
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A room with an outlet for my charger is always preferable to a room with a view.
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Listen to your gut. Unless it's telling you to Super Size your meal.
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Let me rub my face on the wart on your back, so I know it's real.
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My biggest regret is that I wish I had Twitter when I was with my ex so I could have neglected him more often.
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Serial killers probably pick women like a magician picks an assistant from a crowd: the one that looks like she’s ready to be sawed in half.
Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn't stop coloring till 2 o'clock this morning.
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Current status: No less than 90% denial
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I could really fix this world if I could create characters in real life like I can in fiction. #amwriting
Women have described me as hot, but only when temperatures have hit 100 degrees.
“Subtweeting” sounds so gentle. Just call it for what it is: “Fuck off and you know who you are.”
It’s easy to get a woman into your bed. Find one that’s hitchhiking, and let her climb into the back of your pickup truck.
.@drmani Thanks so much for the kind words.
2 nice books I read recently. #1: 'Damaged Right Out of the Box' by @AlanFelyk -…
Retweeted by Alan Felyk