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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,125 followers
“Baby whales can bulk up 200 pounds in a day.” —One fact not to recite while your wife is eating #pizza.
  6h
We're all gonna die. -Expirational tweet
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I think it's cute there is a social site for those who can't read... Instagram
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  9h
“To the left… to the left. To the left-right-left” -Women, trying to decide where the couch should go.
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So despondent today that my husband asked if my boyfriend dumped me.
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Pro Tip: Never refer to your followers as “the body count I have accumulated on #Twitter.”
Sometimes a reanimated corpse is your best chance at love.
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*thinks to self* No good can possibly come from this *does it anyway*
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Is a porn headquarters called a box office?
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Ironic that I'm listening to a required course on slips, trips, and falls whilst standing on a wobbly desk putting up a bulletin board
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Don’t worry... With a little effort and persistence, you too can burn in hell.
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I can’t find any #constellations in the sky. I don’t understand. I guess I just can’t connect the dots on how people do that.
I just ran across a list of U.S Presidents during the 1700s on the #Internet. It was posted in 2010. I wonder if it’s still current.
If by ‘extreme sports’ you mean running after the ice cream truck in stilettos, then hell yeah I’m into extreme sports!
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I'm not hungover , I always look like shit on Sundays.
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“I love the smell of #urine in the morning.” —Robert Duvall, if Apocalypse Now had been filmed in a New York back alley. Probably.
I have no idea what I'm doing 100% of the time.
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@AlanFelyk: And that's no lie.” Lie or lay? Gramer is my worse subject. ; )
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Life's too short to be mean to midgets.
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Just found $20 that isn't mine in my front jeans pocket! Which is creepy because I have no idea who had their hand in my pocket
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Some of you need to bring your A-Game to my TL. Just sayin.
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I don't turn on the lights when I'm the first one in the office because I do a great when-Clarice-meets-Hannibal
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If I get fossilized, I hope the ever-present #pepperoni in my body can be detected just to make future archaeologists wonder.
Roller coasters increase your chances of getting a blood clot in the brain. Wanting to ride a #rollercoaster proves you already have one.
Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.
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