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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,148 followers
If dying is not an option only because you’re writing a new book, then yes, you’re a serious writer. #amwriting amzn.to/1drootb
Took 7 hours to update my website last night. So, yeah, I expect you to look at it and feel sorry for me. #amwriting bit.ly/sjHOTO
When the #HomeDepot woman asks if she can help, tell her you need #50ShadesOfGrey. Don’t forget to hand her the color-matching strip.
You people really suck at taking responsibility for my actions.
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Sometimes I eat some Smarties and give my friend some Nerds and say "you are what you eat" then rollerblade away backwards
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my fav sex position is butt to butt looking at our phones
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My Bloodstream and my Tweets are the same, Full of Typ-o.
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If I ever "waste away" it's going to take a while.
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I miss the kid school push button phones. I LOVE PUSHING BUTTONS.
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to whomever broke into my car and stole my earbuds JOKE'S ON YOU they weren't as good as the reviews said they were
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If I #retweet you, it means “I wish I had written something that funny, you bastard/bitch.” Luckily, the bitterness only lasts 6 months.
Money talks...mine says goodbye.
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Pick up line for old people: Hey baby , you better call life alert, cause I've fallen for you and I can't get up.
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I’m having a mid-wife #crisis that started at #birth.
Some build bird houses when they retire. Others write. Either way, your product will be shit upon at some point. #amwriting
Placed a few home-for-sale-by-someone-other than-owner signs in the #neighborhood. You don’t know. It might work.
Twitter: A social site for the anti-social.
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I like to call psychics and ask them what I'm wearing.
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Cinderella's prince had to put a damn shoe on every girl's feet to find her. I'm sure he wished he'd looked at her face instead of her boobs
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Son peed his pants at 4am, daughter at 5, then my dog pissed on the floor at 6. Worst 3 things to happen in a row since the Jonas brothers.
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I hate it when I stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out of my house!"
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Hey, why wasn’t the expiration date on the label for this #relationship printed in larger type?
Write for yourself. Readers who discover your book should be just other people sharing your joy. #amwriting amzn.to/1drootb
I would have settled for looking like an 83-year-old #SeanConnery when I was 30.