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Alan Felyk
The difference between a politician’s brain and a dirt clod is that something useful might grow from the latter.
me about everything: i literally don't care
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Don’t you find it strange how choosy and picky you become when surfing porn? 😎🔞
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If I ever have an honor student for a child, I'll know my wife's a cheating whore.
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I just can't do jail is my safe word
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In the IT Department, glory holes are called USB ports.
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Doesn’t it seem as though there are many members of the rank and vile on Twitter?
If by “animated soul” you mean “cartoon spirit,” then yes—I have one.
Is your plot twisting or just twisting in the wind? Check out some of the best and then you can decide: bit.ly/1yRO73K #amwriting
I’m likely to join any classless action lawsuit that comes along.
"Thanks for peeing on the trampoline, Mom!" ~ crazy shit my kids say when I've been drinking.
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They say a brain is a terrible thing to waste & yet here we all are
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Relationships, my life, tangled earbuds: things I fuck up even more while trying to fix
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Cute young guy waved at me so I smiled, waved back and tripped over my feet, then saw the cute young girl behind me that he was waving at.
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My superpower is giving everybody else somebody to look down on.
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Just because you're misunderstood doesn't mean you're a genius.
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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Why can’t you just ignore my tweets like all the non-English-speaking people who follow me?
“It’s a technical foul, and you don’t understand science.” —What NBA referees should tell the press when that call is questioned.
Here’s a book list that will be tough to crack: bit.ly/1G3zkA8 #amwriting
Does Obamacare cover the #WalkingDead? Or are they just more deadbeats who can’t pay their own way?
No thanks Ouija boards, I don't even like talking to the living.
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Try not to worry about things you can’t control, which is pretty much everything.
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The number of porn pages on the Internet is 18 times larger than it was in 1998. So many pages, so little time to jerk off.
If I were the only person on Earth, I would represent the norm. Think about what your existence is costing me.
I don't need to be an astronaut, I stare into space everyday.
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In Tennessee, they’ve whittled down the plot possibilities to 20: bit.ly/1G22Czo #amwriting
Police using Facebook and Twitter for suspect photos. Changing mine. Obama is going to surprised when they come looking for me. #TBTTweet
I’m not saying boo about boobies. I don’t want to scare them away. #TBTTweet
I have my daily priorities. Alphabetized so that I can easily find and cross off the ones I’m not going to do. #TBTTweet
You look familiar, have I ignored you before?
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I don’t pretend to understand this, but perhaps it will help the writers who will: bit.ly/1yJ2NC2 #amwriting
I wanted to start the next knee-jerk Twitter controversy over freedom and rights. But I tore my ACL-U.
Twitter is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
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I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.
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*Wears an "Ask me about my daddy issues" t-shirt and bright red lipstick to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting
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Whats the tv show with the dead-eyed people shuffling around aimlessly, wishing they had brains? Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Thats it.
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Life's too short to fight over the little things. Fight over the big things, like his ego.
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I wish Russia would finally putin the effort to become a respectable nation but they just keep stalin.
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*shakes vending machine to get chips that are stuck *3 bags of chips fall down *adds hunter-gatherer to resume
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It’s pretty rude to look into my eyes after I went through all the trouble of finding that perfect push-up bra.
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Friend: Now THAT guy looks like trouble Me: *slips him my number*
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Someone told me to act my age, so I played dead.
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito Him: you want me to come over? Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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.@amandafoy_est It's all those pizza coupons I offer for following.
Companies who hide their customer support telephone numbers on their websites can lick my ass. Not once, but at least twice.
There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.
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I think prison sentences should be based on how long it takes one convict to build a full-size Egyptian pyramid.
Adding the words 'bare chocolate ass' after everything my boss says to me today is very therapeutic.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The "I Should've Killed You When I Had the Chance" section at Hallmark is surprisingly small.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk