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Alan Felyk
His poetry detailed his fetishes; each escapade listed was truly per verse. #TBTTweet
Fuck off. You make my eyes burn.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“I can’t take a joke” -99% of the people on twitter 😂
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Subway because it's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I just don't want to be the guy on his death bed who didn't get enough validation from complete strangers on the internet.
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I just referred to the Super Bowl as the football show. SERIOUSLY HOW AM I STILL SINGLE?
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I'm like a praying mantis except with bananas
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I accidentally showed up for work on time and got reprimanded for impersonating a model employee.
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I don't morning well with others.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The only thing I throwback on a Thursday is a glass of wine.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
When the alarm wakes me each morning, I curse those "mean" people in Greenwich for their time. #TBTTweet
The most important 130 words: bit.ly/1Em7zqA #amwriting
Google plans to have scanned all known existing 130 million unique books by the end of the decade.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Researchers: A real orgasm burns 112 calories while a fake one burns 315. How should I know? It’s science.
[At a restaurant] Me: *shouts, “yes, Oh my god, yes! A thousand times yes!”* *everyone turns to clap as the waiter jots down cheese dip*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
In support of those with mental illness, I'll hit anyone's TL who retweets this by midnight tonight! TY my friends ❤️ #BellLetsTalk
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
It's made with 'love' that's why it tastes like shit.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You had me at zero mutual friends.
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Sorry I said, "I'll catch the next one" when you invited me to your wedding.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If somebody ever steals my identity I just hope they have better luck with it than I did.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Layogenic” is used in the Philippines to refer to a person who only looks attractive from a distance. Don’t make me explain the “lay” part.
When I go for massage I tuck a balled up c-note in my asshole. If she's fishing in there and finds it, she earned it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
To one of my new followers: I checked out your profile. It's spelled "jizz" not "jeeze".
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I was going to put +18 in my bio but the way I giggle at fart jokes clearly shows I have the humor of a 12 year old
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My most commonly heard phrase: “THIS is why nobody will go out with you”
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
The brain forgets certain memories to avoid information overload. I wonder why mine had to be so thorough.
I do the power walk of shame.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I made it my entire childhood without encountering a witch, 3 bears or losing my sheep
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you can't afford a beast lift, just pierce your nipples and wear a magnet necklace.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
You know, over on Facebook you can fight in more than 140 characters.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
James Thurber’s rules for comedy: bit.ly/1Bbf8Ki #amwriting
The only time I make my abs burn is when I spill the piping-hot pizza rolls on my stomach while I’m watching TV.
To the stooge who glued the reversible cat scratchers so they can’t be flipped without tearing the box. May someone epoxy your asshole.
What if Marshawn Lynch really knows the meaning of life? "I'm just here so I don't get fined." Shit, now we'll never know. #SuperBowlXLIX
The chemical dopamine contributes heavily to Internet addiction. Kudos to the person who aptly named the substance.
"Nice tattoo. What's the number mean?" Me: It's my follower count on Twitter "You know that changes right?" Tattoos don't change stupid
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Good writers will capitalize on these rules: bit.ly/1D1qL9g #amwriting
.@ecmooreauthor I just bought my copy. Good luck, Elizabeth.
Hey everybody, I just published my first short story on Amazon and its only $.99 at ow.ly/HYUUK pic.twitter.com/7urY4mlTyl
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Here’s the best thing about enemies: They never betray you.
*weighs down remnants of hopes and dreams with concrete blocks and tosses them into the lake*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My Twitter crush … you, know Miss, uh, uh, uh … Anyway, she’s mad at me for no reason.
Paper money can carry live flu viruses for more than 2 weeks. Deposit that cash directly into my account—I’ll take care of the problem.
Thoughts about how to define success as a writer: bit.ly/15DgrcW #amwriting