Want to Grow Your
Social Media, Free?
Here’s a photo of the last person you followed: bit.ly/1VHT5s8
Wow you're really good looking on the Internet... In person, not so much.
Nothing brings two women closer together like the mutual dislike of a third woman
Why fall in love when you can fall into a bottomless pit of despair?
I may not be the hottest thing on twitter but I'm the only one retweeting you right now
I'm going ask the GPS company if I can upload her to my system.
Ready to have your story dissected? bit.ly/1Jn2TTv #amwriting
When parents name their boy Seamus (pronounced Shame-Us), I wonder if the kid grows up considering it a challenge.
It’s obvious from your timeline that you’re a spammer. So why not hide that fact with a naked photo of yourself?
“Traffic jam ahead.” —Miss Obvious on my GPS system while my vehicle sits motionless in traffic
I know you're not supposed to leave your kids locked in a car but how about chained to a motorcycle?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I tell people I'm in AA just so I can see their expressions when I run into them at the bar.
I noticed you liked my selfie. Do this mean I'm gonna score?
You can play dumb only if you aren't.
I will fund every Taco Bell owner’s children’s way through college based upon my purchase of Bacon Club Chalupas alone
*spins around Wonder Woman style to avoid a conversation
In what alternate universe could Donald Trump be elected U.S. president? Perhaps the one in which George W. Bush and Barack Obama could.
Somewhere some lucky bastard is getting the silent treatment instead of hearing about her day.
I apparently have a boyfriend now. Like a real one.
I don't know how often to feed it or if it needs bathed or what.
What I'm really looking for in a relationship is someone to help me finish the milk before it expires.
My favorite is when people tell me what is or isn't funny.
I'm at that stage where focusing on tomorrow being Taco Tuesday is what will get me through this the rest of the day.
“Bahá’í? BaWHY?”—a Bahá'í teen questioning her faith
A fun place to put your inspirational quotes is up your ass
Arguing about politics is like trying to convince somebody that their baby is ugly
livestream your existential crisis so I can watch
So, who will the mob of offended people go after today?
I can't take a world seriously that gives more value to a big butt and a smile than to a college degree.
Should I be worried that the angel & devil on my shoulders and the monkey on my back just had a threesome?
If I pulled myself together, my family wouldn't recognize me.
Eventually I'll close this account and go back to my humble career as a mariachi band fluffer.
You talk so much shit that your ass must get jealous.
I'm kind, compassionate and trustworthy, until you touch the radio in my car.
Pretty sure one of those Tequila shots over the weekend stole my soul.
If I post my tweets on Facebook 35 friends answer my rhetorical question and 27 try to solve my made-up problem.
I wake up too late to seize the day, how about I carpe the night or late afternoon?
Be sure to access inappropriate material on your co-worker’s computer when they’re away. And don’t forget to make the follow-up call to HR.
The real challenge would be to write ONE book that could read SIX ways: bit.ly/1TVE9oo #amwriting
"Don't let anyone touch your ass, don't break anything and don't call me...I love you guys!!"
-Sending my kids away to sleepover camp
Just because I like you, doesn't mean you're not an asshole.
<----- Works hard all week to put beer on the table.
You can call all the shots and I'll drink them.
Thanks for unfollowing me at least somebody cares about my dreams of having a real life someday
Its not that I'm anti-social, it's just that I hate more and more people every day.
We're all just 1 fry short of dropping a bitch.
I'm pretty sure.. your flow of consciousness is clogged.