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Alan Felyk
To the person who invented the music loop feature on DVDs while you’re looking for the remote so you can hit “play”: May you die violently.
Just assume everyone on twitter has an IQ of a lightbulb and you'll be fine.
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If you're wearing a hat and glasses, you're one mustache away from a disguise.
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Someday I'll be rich enough to pay someone to play with my hair. Until then I guess I'll just sit under a ceiling fan on high. Sigh.
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it was an Australian who invented Coffee Mate
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Read all of your dialogue out loud. It needs to SOUND natural. #amwriting
Women still check me out. That’s because I always get in their lines at the grocery store. #TBTTweet
I recently lost 83 followers, and I know where they are thanks to a site called Bottom of Lake Erie. #TBTTweet
50% unemployment and 90% stock market crash predicted. Glad it’s all going to be in round numbers—easier to remember. #TBTTweet
So far I've been lucky every time I google "will this kill my dog" after I give something to my dog.
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At least no one is accusing Paris Hilton of wasting her potential.
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I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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The Price is Right losing horn should play every time you find a parking spot but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle.
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.@onlinemajority Shhh ... some people may still not know.
Fame status: I still personally answer all my fan e-mail. #amwriting bit.ly/sjHOTO
.@bigwhiteball That's really the truth according to my recollection.
The cosmic aura surrounding 1989 largely sucked. I throw that out for the people born in that year. It just wasn’t your fault.
Thanks to Aflac, I could never get all my ducks in a row.
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When someone named after someone famous follows, we’re all bummed it’s not the real one. How do you think that makes the fake feel?
After midnight, I ask myself this question before I retweet: Will the Aussies find this appropriate over dinner?
Ancient Japan had farting contests for the longest and loudest. That tradition disappeared when Taco Bell opened its restrooms.
Beast mode* activated *Opens bag of peanut m&ms with teeth
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To chronic tweet deleters: We can still what you first tried to post because we’re chronic never-refresh-our-page tweeps.
Show your work. - why I'm not allowed to teach Sex Education anymore
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So many fake accounts, so much time to ignore them.
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"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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.@helcat70 That would be my opinion--that the writer didn't care enough about the reader. @MsRedWriting
Just 2% of Church of Sweden members regularly attend Sunday service. The Tampa Bay Rays want to know how they get that many into the seats.
This child has no idea how good she has it. No one has EVER given me a gummy bear for peeing on the potty.
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I found 400 people who don't follow me by using IDGAF.com
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.@ViviVelvette They don't call me Butterball for nothing.
But by all means, you have a twitter persona to uphold.
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Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying,"Shh, not another word," is super romantic but cops don't seem to think so.
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I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.
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My life coach advised me to run out the clock.
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.@ViviVelvette I want a good stuffing.
I just gave out the last of my Halloween candy so that's out of the way. I'll start baking a turkey tomorrow.
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Boob-based careers are perky only in the beginning.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@ArtIsMyPorn I'm not sure what the equivalent of a typo would be for an audio book. Maybe stuttering?
If you find two typos in the first paragraph of a book, will you finish reading it? #amwriting
Don’t threaten me by saying that you’ll leave. I know how to drink alone.