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Alan Felyk
writing sport books comedy 130,181 followers
Some think that in the song “The Kill,” the group #30SecondsToMars is singing “marry me” instead of “bury me.” Same difference, no?
We certainly can't rule out that possibility, @Kvenya.
I love how much my dogs think they'll like Indian food.
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The reason I #follow is that, as the Corruptor of Civilizations, I had to start somewhere.
Man I'd kill to be as good of a pacifist as Gandhi was.
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If the Justice Department truly cared about #Monopoly, it would start with the bullshit that goes on with #Boardwalk and Park Place.
The Tour de France would be more entertaining if they all rode Big Wheels.
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if your top three tweets are the only thing recited at your eulogy... would you be okay with that?
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#TacoTuesday Testimonial for @DrDweezil ...Rock on, dude. Rock on.
When people ask who my #carrier is, I tell them it’s Typhoid Mary.
A bee landed in my lap while I was driving. Luckily I kept my cool. I'm a little dizzy and skinned up from rolling on the pavement though.
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Chipotle cashier told me to have a burritoful day and now everything is tacotastic in my world.
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I thought about putting a camera on my dog’s head, but who wants to watch him lick his balls all day? Yes, I KNOW you do, Dave.
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If Manhattan were being purchased today from Native Americans, #WallStreet would offer them the #anal variety of beads.
“Remember when you took your girlfriend to a sit-down #restaurant? Tell me what that was like.” —Guys who can’t get a second #date
I'm not bipolar, I'm just really nice for only 60 seconds at a time.
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World War I began 100 years ago today. When it will end, nobody knows.
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Don't ever ask me to borrow my curling iron again if you're gonna keep giving it back covered in lube, Mee Maw.
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Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
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Sooner or later, the #zombies in #Mexico are going to figure out the U.S. border is open. #TheWalkingDead
bar guy last night asked where i've been all his life. i said i have boyfriend. i think if he paid the tab i would have answered differently
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Shouldn't there be a rule that you can't start a new global crisis on even-numbered days? news.yahoo.com/n-korea-threat…
New rule for RTing: It must make you blow #alcohol through your nose while you simultaneously soil your #underpants.
“We’re selling our #furniture for the lowest prices ever.” Hey, even cheaper than I could have bought it in 1965 when you first opened?