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Alan Felyk
The real problem with “a dime a dozen” is that the individual price involves fractions.
why do they even include 2015 as an option when selecting your birth year online like u fresh out the womb ready to join gmail
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm all for breastfeeding in public, I just get a little nervous with people watching me do it.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Female Michigan State fan offers to flash her boobs for a ticket to the Final Four match up This isn’t the the Sweet 16, honey. Offer more
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
One hour of headphone wearing increases the bacteria in your ear by 700 times? What the fuck kind of music are we all listening to?
I run my own business. Right. Into. The. Ground.
.@chaplainkkaplan And I did it with cymbalism.
Wouldn't it be ironic if bears were Catholic and the Pope shit in the woods?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
A back scratcher makes an excellent toilet flusher when you're too drunk to get off of the bathroom floor. The more you know.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Being plagued by these words and phrases? bit.ly/1xr2mfb #amwriting
If I was book smart I wouldn't be here.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
.@K8Austen I do my best to mix in some life tips when I can.
You can tell that I’m somewhere close by when you see everybody around you slowly shaking their heads.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Actions speak louder than words, especially if the actions involve gunfire.
Being pregnant is like anxiously watching a toaster desperately waiting months and months for it to pop out
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My bank balance should be called bank 'disbalance'. Never steady, always leaning towards zero.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
How 'bout you GoFundYourOwnDamnSelf?
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Please disregard anything I've ever typed on twitter. Thank you and have great day.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Of course I don't hate you. *unplugs life support *charges phone
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Dear Monday, you did one hell of a job today, you old jerk.
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My superpower is turning beer into pee.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
So cute how you want to wind me up after I've spent the day PMSing & eating nothing but salad. *adds "storm chaser" to your resume*
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
“Niblings” is the plural term for “nieces and nephews.” Sounds like something that came from hillbilly country if you ask me.
Lets try to be happy. I'm so sad we can't be happy.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Just in case you expect people to find your book at the local library: bit.ly/1EI7id1 #amwriting
If you want to become an instrument of God, make sure it’s not a drum.
I almost complained about the weather on Facebook. That was close.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Science: When you sweat, your brain shrinks; when you drink, your brain grows. So sit the fuck down and have a beer.
1,600 people die from taking the stairs each year. Only 27 people die from elevators. *Presses third-floor button*
My son said he felt like a man trapped in a woman's body... Until I gave birth to him.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I especially agree with Rule 5: bit.ly/1HOr0tE #amwriting
What are the odds that same glass is placed in the same dishwasher slot three times in a row? —Something that a bachelor wonders about
Researchers discovered that some “whore” penguins offer sex in exchange for pebbles. Well, get your rocks off.
“The chances of smelling smoke while you sleep is almost nil.” —What the ex-spouses of arsonists should know.
The most difficult thing about being a lady must be holding farts.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
My family crest is just an image of a train wreck.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
We were laughing about cows with no tongues. She said they would have to do sign language and I screamed THEY HAVE HOOVES!
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
Dear @TheTweetOfGod: I’ve started receiving a slew of LAMINATED junk mail postcards recently. The final sign that the apocalypse is nigh?
Too bad dildos aren’t advertised on mainstream TV. Would be a great opportunity to introduce the song Good Vibrations to a new generation.
Study: Having too few or too many friends can cause depression and stress. I’m bummed out that they can’t give you a specific number.
Who the fuck gets a piece of cat litter in their eye? This girl, that's who. Don't even ask.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm writing a book called Cereal and Buttplugs. It's about the conversations I have in DM.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
I'm sorry I ate your chocolate and I'm sorry that I always lie about being sorry
Retweeted by Alan Felyk
If you can make a difference in the life of one person, it should probably be you.
Retweeted by Alan Felyk