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Alan Barns
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It has been so hot here that the cows have been giving evaporated milk.
Why should I quit.....When I can just give up trying instead?
The only thing that I can afford to buy right now....Is something that is totally free
I would never lend any money to a complete stranger....Unless that complete stranger had been a friend of mine for the past 10 years
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If someone is going to lie to me....Then they should at least be honest about it
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“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today” —Groucho Marx pic.twitter.com/iEAvcm7wtW
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The perfect moment....Always seems to happen at the worst possible time
RT @Funny1_Liners: Even in my own little world....No one can get along with me
“Ideas are like fish. If you want to catch little fish, you can stay in the shallow water" pic.twitter.com/lPiR6Uhd85
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It's better to wear out than rust out.
At my age the next time I go to see a Doctor....It will probably be for an autopsy
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
RT @Funny1OneLiners: The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card?
Why do people worry about getting older? - As someone said to me recently : "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long.
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If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call....I'm calling a locksmith.
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RT @OneJohnMitchell: Most people die at home. That’s why I stay out so much
Murphy's wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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Do it now or today will be the yesterday that you are regretting tomorrow
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I was asked the other day what I thought about Euthanasia? I said I think we should look after our own youth and kids here first!
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Confucius, he say,: Man who leap of cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius, he say,: Man who sleeps on bed of nails is holy.
RT @OneJohnMitchell: I realize now that it is unlikely that I will ever be old enough to know bette
If you ask the questions then you need to be prepared to hear the answers ;) vanessabarnstarot.com pic.twitter.com/oqs0tgsAzX
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Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
And it’s a new dawn. Not sure what we would do if it was a used one
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Confucius, he say,: Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Old cashiers never die, the just cash out.
Before I speak......I have several important things to say
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Confucius, he say,: Man who eats biscuits in bed wake up feeling crummy.
Welcome To The UK: Father And Child Stroll Past Big Ben With ISIS Flags… shar.es/1qDmh8 via @weaselzippers
THE MEANING OF LIFE - in 13 words . . . “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened”
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Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
My sister update. Still with us! That, in itself, is surprising. Thank you for your response. Your prayers/best wishes much appreciated.
"One day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted. Do it now." - Paulo Coelho
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It’s not love. It’s fear that makes us want to hold onto life. The fear of losing what we love
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“You’re only as young as the last time you changed your mind” –Timothy Leary pic.twitter.com/lopBOfx37r
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Life is a mobile home. It is meant to be driven. Not parked forever in one place pic.twitter.com/55TqOgg1rO
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Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.
When native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land pic.twitter.com/XDvohg2kG6
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Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.
For some people, there's no point in behaving like an idiot. It's just as easy for them to be the real thing
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Thanks to those of you responding to "my sister" tweet. Still on machine & holding on to life.. Thank you once again.




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