Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Grow your twitter followers. Join free!
Twiends is a vibrant community of twitter users waiting to follow you! Sign in for free!
Want More Twitter Followers?
Welcome to Twiends. We help you to grow your audience on twitter. We are a vibrant community of twitter users, and we are waiting to follow you..!
Sign in for free! Not right now
Alan Barns
humour 35,834 followers
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Normal Service again. (All being well.) A malfunction experience my friends!
Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
If you’re happy, you’re successful.
.If you put it off long enough, it might go away. (Not true!)
If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
.If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
It's hard to love life if you don't love anyone who's in it
Retweeted by Alan Barns
’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
I wouldn't touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m (10 feet) pole.
I can’t spell and beeer doesn't help.
Gravity always gets me down.
For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.— Ralph Waldo Emerson
An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
“Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.” - Leonard Cohen
"Nothing is less productive than to make more efficient what should not be done at all." - Peter Drucker
Habit controls you. Imagination frees you
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.
.I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
A friend is someone you can lean on in difficult times. That's why it helps if they are shorter than you
Retweeted by Alan Barns
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge
Retweeted by Alan Barns
My New Year resolution was to be respectful to my elders. Had to give up - difficult to find any.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
Optimist: Someone without much experience.
Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren't getting any.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
life tip: when nothing goes right, go to bed
Retweeted by Alan Barns
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
The tongue is like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood.— Buddha
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
Hard to see funny side of the World today.My heart goes out to those suffering loss of dear ones. May they rest in peace.
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.