Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Doctor, every morning I get up, look in the mirror, & feel like throwing up. What's wrong? " Dr: "I don't know, but your eyesight's perfect
Do you ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that was given an award for being outstanding in his field?
Diamonds are a girls best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Which sex is smarter . . . ?
Did you hear about the army police dog that wanted to be transferred to a new post?
Did anybody find my lost GPS navigator?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Daddy, Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Cousin Bob died of asbestosis - it took six months to cremate him.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Common sense is not so common. -Voltaire
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Chickens are the only animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Carry a notebook with you at all times. You never know when genius will strike.
Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been struck by lighting.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
Business in our town is so bad that even the shoplifters have stopped coming.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Blogging is about luck. The harder you blog - the more luck your have.
Blog Tip: Read your posts out-loud before publishing. It's a great way to catch errors.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Believe one who has proved it. Believe an expert. -Virgil
Being poor has one distinct advantage. It doesn't take much to improve your situation.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
At parties there are 2 kinds of people: those who want to go home & those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
An ex girlfriend of mine had a rather endearing impediment in her speech. She couldn't say no!
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Am I ambivalent? Well . . . .
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
There's more to the truth than just the facts. ~ Author Unknown