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Alan Barns

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I may not be the brightest nail in the bucket, but at least I have a point.
How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
You can find out about & book your Tarot readings with me here. vanessabarnstarot.com
Retweeted by Alan Barns
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Currently the flower business is blooming.
I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.
I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.
If you are looking for a Tarot reading or know someone who might be, let them know to visit my web site. vanessabarnstarot.com/tarot-readings… Vanessa :)
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.
It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
Living for today. But dreaming for tomorrow
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I spent my childhood longing to fit in. And then I grew up and realized that being different is the most powerful thing in the world
Retweeted by Alan Barns
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
Whats the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
.Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
It's uncomfortable when the neighbour's kids look like you.
 
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