Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Want more twitter followers? Find out how.
Alan Barns
humour 33,620 followers
Share this on Twitter “Just stumbled across this cool page for Alan Barns”
Want to Grow Your Twitter Following, Free?
Don’t believe everything you think.
If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” - Ernest Hemingway
I love animals. Especially in gravy.
Actions lie louder than words. -Carolyn Wells
I have a black eye in karate.
.Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally." — W. C. Fields
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Every solution breeds new problems.
We do not know where any of this is going. All we can know is that it will end
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Life is hard; it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat.
I am hoping to die at home. That's why I stay out all the time
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I only drink to make other people more sociable.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
At least when you are going around in circles you get to see familiar scenery
Retweeted by Alan Barns
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
Insomnia is a terrific cure for nightmares
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Overpopulation : When people take leave of their census
Just because someone's been in the business for 20 years doesn't mean they're good at it.
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Friends are there to help you to your feet after they tripped you up
Retweeted by Alan Barns
George Gershwin - "Life is a lot like Jazz... it's best when you improvise." #art #quote
Retweeted by Alan Barns
“Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.” - Arthur Conan Doyle
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
“Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness.” -Pearl S. Buck
Fake friends are no different than shadows, they stick around during your brightest moments, but disappear during your darkest hours.
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Peace can become a lens through which you see the world. Be it. Live it. Radiate it out. Peace is an inside job. ~~ Wayne Dyer #Quote
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Never try to shame a shameless person. It's like reading a tweet out loud to your spouse. All you will get in return is a blank stare...
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Improvement begins with I. - Arnold H. Glasgow bit.ly/17C0mOk
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Parachutes are like minds. Only work when open.
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
Why is it that everyone has to be different these days?
Forecast for tonight: Dark
The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation
When I was a kid my stepdad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.
Retweeted by Alan Barns
An atheists worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank
The chickens have come to roast
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? An in-car-nation.
These HD Pictures Of Under Water Puppies Will Blow Your Mind With Cuteness...OMG --> omgf.ac/ts/onw pic.twitter.com/FRYU92zZHQ
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Just cutting trees in the forest of my mind.
Retweeted by Alan Barns
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
We live on the outside while we silently die on the inside
Retweeted by Alan Barns
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car? A red carnation. (It's sad, but I like this one.)
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? Sleep somewhere else.