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Alan Barns

I purchased a microwave bed recently, 8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.
I couldn't hold a candle to my grandad, he was an alcoholic.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons, police held him for a while then let him go.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual, I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
I tried to start up a chicken dating agency but failed, it was a struggle to make hens meet.
We have a local band that are so bad that, by popular demand they have to smash up their instruments before the gig.
I saw a Dutch guy with shoes that had built in satnav, bloody clever clogs.
Just witnessed an Apple store get robbed, police have detained me as an iWitness.
Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall, as he turned and sneered at me I thought, 'that's a little condescending'.
I got covered in ketchup earlier today, from my head tomatoes.
My dyslexic mate said he's being sent for counselling as they said at Court he has angry shoes.
If you lose 1 sense, your other senses are enhanced, that's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance
I took my wife to a freak show yesterday, but they weren't hiring.
I've just bought a mirror clock, I think it's time for reflection.
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
That moment when you miss a step on the stairs and think you are going to die.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?, a dead centipede.
At hospital over the weekend I heard a load of patients reciting Scottish poetry, apparently it was the serious Burns unit
Our cat jumped in the washing machine yesterday, but at least it died in Comfort.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.
I went into the kitchen and found my fridge had exploded, I think something may have gone off in there.
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
A dog walker was found dead in the local park, police have found the dog, but as yet, they have no lead.
After a long battle with Leukemia, and a few failed attempts at Suicide, my Dyslexic friend finally passed his spelling test.
If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.
I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
With all this shit on the TV these days, I think it's about time our parrot went back in its cage.
My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger, which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
I was always taking notes at my last job, but then they checked the till.
I ate a ploughmans lunch at the weekend, he didn't look too happy about it.
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
I was in a car showroom today and the salesman asked, "What are you looking for?" I said, "Because I can't afford to buy".
Our local school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA, standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.
My dad's hobby was collecting empty bottles, which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows.
I've spilt stain remover on my trousers, how do I get that out??!
I've been working for an Arab dairy farmer, or Milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called.
A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.
If you would like to know more, then visit for information about a Tarot reading #Tarot
Retweeted by Alan Barns
A man was in court for stealing a bag, only took 3 minutes to get sentenced, it was a briefcase
My friend was a victim of his own success, his trophy cabinet fell on him.
News:- A coach containing session musicians has overturned on the motorway, drivers may expect lengthy jams.
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