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Alan Barns

Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it's from the newsgroup server.
@ABodger I thought mine were dirty but on reflection I don't think they are.
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
He who hesitates is boss.
Anybody want some mirrors cleaned? That is a job I could see myself doing.
How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
Next time someone rings your home phone, test their intelligence by replying with, "Can I call you back, I'm driving"
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do that day.
You have 10 fish, 5 drowned but 3 came back to life. How many fish have you left? Stop counting smart one, fish can't drown.
My wife thinks she knows it all. Said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut in her face.
Really living is when the morning after is as good as the night before
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I finally feel like a grown up. I just ate some ice cream and did not drip it down my T-shirt
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I don’t know what is better - wanting that first cup of coffee or actually drinking it. Desire and fulfillment...
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Just two, all the rest are true. (Apologies to you know who).
I wish some of my second thoughts had arrived first
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer? A. God does not think he is a lawyer!
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
Retweeted by Alan Barns
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk (unless it has coffee in it).
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Being a grown up is that point in life when you are worried that the ice-cream will drip on your clothes
Retweeted by Alan Barns
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
SPECIAL OFFER ENDS TOMORROW! Ten card Tarot readings reduced by 10€…
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Just remember ...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
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