What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Everything is edible, but some things are only edible once.
Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
Eat a prune and start a movement.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Avoid hangovers. Stay drunk.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat
About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".
A gossip is a person with a good sense of rumor. twitter.com/VanessaBarns/s…
At school he used to enjoy streaking. Not a particularly interesting fact, until you consider he was at an ALL BOYS boarding school.
Men are like place mats, we only show up when there's food on the table.
It’s funny how the things you live for can also be the things you would die for
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. But, there are NO old, drunk bikers.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
‘A pedigree bulldog missing. Finders – rest in peace.'
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
Have you seen Jolson on Facebook? goo.gl/0gHZUY
Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I have worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Everyone my age is older than me...
"Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this moment.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
I’ve fired my inner critic. He never had anything positive to say
How to make a statement without saying a word. vanessabarnstarot.com #Tarot #Quotes #theeyeoffaith
Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart.
Onwards and upwards is so much better than backwards and downwards
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.
My daughters partner has been given a banjo. It is free but, THERE ARE STRINGS ATTACHED.( Boom. boom.)