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Alan Barns

42,122 followers
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Sign in an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK MY STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Just follow this link & have a look around...;)....wp.me/P2SjF3-4
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her.
According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.
I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.
Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, "I apologize" and "You are right."
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
Are you curious to know what's going to happen this year? wp.me/P2SjF3-4
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Feel free to pop over to wp.me/P2SjF3-4 to have a look around ;)
Retweeted by Alan Barns
When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.
"Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me any more it's more like a part of my personality at this point.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
@ABodger You remember Steven Wright, don't you? "I have the world's largest collection of sand ~ I keep it on beaches everywhere."
Retweeted by Alan Barns
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
When was the last time you felt this good. I mean seriously, when?
Retweeted by Alan Barns
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more the dangerous they are.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date.
Do not live a life of regrets. Better to use them all up in one day. Happy New Year 2016!
Retweeted by Alan Barns
How was 2015 for you? Do you want to know if & how 2016 is going to be better? wp.me/P2SjF3-4
Retweeted by Alan Barns
 




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