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Alan Barns

When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When I was born the Dead Sea was still living.
Where do cows go on their summer vacation? Moo York.
What did it cost an old time American pirate to buy his gold hoop earrings? A buck an ear.
Easylife group ? Easy my foot. Never again. NEVER. Sorry, I'm supposed to cheer you up, not moan.
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to your loved ones. Please pass the wine.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I thought it was my birthday cake but it was just the shed on fire.
I read a survey that said 82% of people enjoy being cuddled. But if the people on this bus are any indication, the real figure is, like 0%.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%.
What do you call a dead Magician? A ABRACADAVA.
I'm not a stalker, I'm just an unpaid private investigator.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.
he best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Books are just TV for smart people.
How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
I keep finding myself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
If you have a question for the Tarot cards visit my web site.… Vanessa :)
Retweeted by Alan Barns
When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
Sorry my tweets are spasmodic at the moment. Thanks to those following me regardless. Keep smiling. . . . .
Have a great weekend everyone <3 Please :) Share ☑ Like ☑ Comment ☑ Retweet ☑ #tarot #quotes #danceoflife #funny
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Your reputation goes before you. You can't put it behind you, although that’s where you made it
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I've got to take my new jeans to the repairer to be ripped.
I'm trying not to let innuendos slip in, but, gosh it is hard.
Why did Velcro take so long to catch on?
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