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Alan Barns

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Everything is rightly confused.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again.
Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sand the cat kept covering me up.
Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice. (Just a tweet sweetheart.)
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.
There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!
Waiting for next weeks Fear The Walking Dead .... @FearTWD #FTWD
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!
Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog.
You know you're over fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.
If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.
I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing.....#Tarot #Quotes
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Be open to all teachers & all teachings, & listen with your heart. #Tarot #Quotes
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Is everything going okay? If so great, if not, click &book a Tarot reading.
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
At least there are no dead ends when you are going around in circles
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
LAZY is such an ugly word. I prefer the term "Selective Participation."
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