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Fifty Sheds of Grey
humourlondon 110,334 followers
The final part of the 50 Sheds trilogy, #ThreeinaShed is published tomorrow! Here's another sneaky peek . . pic.twitter.com/aU5vAjlYII
Quick! Pre-order Fifty Sheds of Grey 3 now and save . . . a whole penny!? amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/075226…
Not all grey days are bad . . (this has just arrived in your local @Waterstones today!) pic.twitter.com/JN2Fi8dlNJ
Your shuddering climax is only seven days away . . amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/075226…
just discovered @GrahamThrones and its made my life so much better
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She dropped her skirt, pulled down her panties and slowly lowered herself onto my lap. I really must get a new light bulb for this toilet.
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She gripped the end and tugged gently. Then harder. 'Why isn't anything happening?' she asked. 'It only works on the third flush' I replied.
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The high-born and well-to-do sat at the top table while the peasants fought for their chicken bones. Nando's really does cater for everyone.
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After hours of blood-curdling screams and groans he emerged breathless and said 'I wouldn’t go in there for a few minutes if I were you . .'
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I stared in horror - it was a dark, evil green colour with big scales. I hadn't been in a bathroom like this since 1973.
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I screamed in agony as the heat stung my naked flesh, 'How many times have I told you not to flush the toilet when I’m in the shower?'
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I was horrified that one woman's decision could lead to such an appalling violent clash . . A coral toilet with an avocado handbasin?
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If you have any problems that need solving, all you have to do is ask my husband. And he'll ask Louis Van Gaal.
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Thank you @BookeditorJane and @all_that_magic. Maybe you'd care to join me for Three in a Shed . . ? pic.twitter.com/mf2gpqqdfV
When dieting, it's best to eat little and often - so make sure you've always got a family pack of fun-sized Mars bars.
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Diet Fact: A 90 minute game of football can burn up to 200 calories. Even more if you stand up to watch it.
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Science fact: When you eat a kebab, you actually burn more calories than you consume.
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People who push the envelope don't know how to open one.
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Sexual equality will only be achieved when a male pop star marries a female footballer.
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Space is visible from the Great Wall of China.
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Chickens only use 2% of their brains. KFC use the other 98%.
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The fastest orgasm ever recorded was in the gents in Kings Cross station when Mr Colin Grey attempted to dry his penis in the Dyson Airblade
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If everyone in China jumped up and down at exactly the same time, they would win Britain's Got Talent.
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The Caesar Salad was named after Julius Salad.
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The rarest bird of prey is the Chesney Hawk. There is believed to be only one.
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A group of chavs is called a Primark.
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There's a new search engine for finding big-haired 80s pop groups - Kajagoogle.
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Dolphins only look like they're smiling because, according to the latest scientific research, they're a bunch of smug bastards.
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Take a risk today. Tell someone you love them. Or run with scissors.
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You don't need to be afraid what tomorrow will bring. Unless you've been drunk eBaying again.
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Relationships are like playing the piano. Some play by the rules, some play from the heart - and some just bang away as loudly as possible.
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The Cat o' Nine Tails gradually declined in popularity during the 20th century until eventually McDonalds replaced it with the Filet-o-Fish.
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There's a sequel to @50ShedsofGrey!Just when I thought life couldn't get funnier... pic.twitter.com/dxLo04VQzs@PAF22
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To find out your porn name, take the name of your first pet. Then the street you grew up on. Then ask the big hairy guy behind the camera.
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Every year, an area the size of Wales is next to England.
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I met my wife in Holland & Barrett. She intrigued me by the cereals, she enticed me near the dried fruit, then she had me by the nuts.
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Had to give up Weightwatchers. I wasn't very comfortable with me standing on scales naked. And neither were the staff and customers of Boots
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When you're on the 5:2 Diet, every week is like a holiday - 5 days in a ski lodge and 2 in a Travelodge.
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I love being on the Juice Diet. This evening I'm having the juice of the Merlot grape, the Riesling grape and the Sauvignon Blanc grape.
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