I slowly opened the door to see a woman dressed in leather, brandishing a whip. It was the last time I bought an advent calendar from Aldi.
She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'
The third rule of Fight Club is Leave it Dave, he's not worth it.
The perfect wrinkled stocking filler! amazon.co.uk/Bridget-Joans-… #Christmas
It takes a thousand bees to make one teaspoon of honey. One to make the honey and the other 999 to make the teaspoon.
Camels can go without the internet for up to three weeks.
Giraffes are the only animal capable of sarcasm.
10% of Americans believe they've been abducted by lesbians.
It's so cold, we've just seen Miley Cyrus wearing a vest!
Men with excessively large genitalia feel a far greater urge to retweet than average-sized men.
PENSIONERS SPECIAL - Now £3 off two pensioners! amazon.co.uk/Bridget-Joans-…
She told me she was into extreme bondage . . . so I took her to see Skyfall six times.
The book people have just dropped off a bundle at the office. Pleased to see the latest @50ShedsofGrey
in the box! #stitches
She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.
'So,' she asked eagerly, 'How do you feel about being in chains?' 'It depends,' I replied, 'Nando's is OK but I'm not so keen on McDonalds.'
'Give it to me hard and give it to me now!' she begged. 'Alright,' I said, 'But I still think a Viennetta's better when it's defrosted.'
Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.
It's not just damp outside . . . pic.twitter.com/opiPSzVPk3
Our bodies heaved and lurched frantically against each other for hours and hours. That's the last time I get the 4.15 from Paddington.
I leant back excitedly on my workbench and asked her to do that Miley Cyrus thing. So she brought her dad round to sing Achy Breaky Heart.
Copy of Fifty Sheds Damper has arrived - laugh out loud innuendo and no safe word required!! @50ShedsofGrey
Happy Sheds Day! The 50 Sheds of Grey sequel, Fifty Sheds Damper is out today! (with a special wipe-clean cover) amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Sheds-Da…
Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her, now I just hide her glasses.
At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.
'I'm a very naughty girl,' she said, biting her lip, 'I need to be punished.' So I invited my mother to stay for the weekend.
Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.
One week to go! Are YOU damp-proofed? amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Sheds-Da… #shedtober
'Number of times fell into chest freezer – 3' Bridget and Joan's Diary via @Telegraph fw.to/S9mlcVG #bridgetjones @BridgetandJoan
Sep 23 Bridget's still having trouble controlling her artificial hip. Yesterday she was thrown out of church for twerking at the vicar. J
Is your shed ready? 3 weeks from today, it's going to get a lot damper! amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Sheds-Da…
'I'll do whatever you want,' she said. Soon she was drenched in sweat and panting desperately. She'd obviously not done much digging before.
Aug 14th I know, Bridget. Maybe we should try walking a bit faster. J
14th Aug Look Joan, we've got 25,000 people following us now! B
August 4th Bridget didn't dance with anyone during the '50s. She was always with me - sitting by the toilets, hand jiving. J
4th August I was always popular with the men. During the '50s they'd queue up for hours for a dance with me. Joan was green with envy! B
Aug 3 All this news about pensioner-related muggings is making us too nervous to go out. We're worried the police will finally catch us. J
July 27 Bridget says she's planning on drinking a lot tonight. Had to remind her to wear her lucky pants. The ones with the rubber lining. J
27th July I'm planning on drinking a lot tonight. Thank goodness Joan reminded me to wear my lucky pants! B
I love Bridget&Joan's Diary - and I want to be like Joan when I grow up! :D @BridgetandJoan
She lay naked on my workbench with just a carrot, a leek and a cauliflower covering her nether regions. She called it a vegazzle.
July 11th Bridget's new boyfriend likes giving her late night booty calls. Although he has to ring at midday so she can get there in time. J
'Get down on your hands and knees,' she ordered,'And I'll take you to places you've never been.' It was the strictest satnav I'd ever heard.
July 4. It's hard to concentrate on Wimbledon with all that grunting. Next time I'll insist Bridget leaves her rampant rabbit in her room. J
Bridget loves the Rolling Stones. She's been in training for months so she can move like Jagger. Unfortunately, he now moves like Bridget. J
If you are not already, you must follow @BridgetandJoan
. Trust me, you'll love them.
June 18th Despite her relentless cheerfulness, I know Bridget has a good heart. That's why I got her to fill out that organ donor card. J
18th June Despite her relentless grumpiness, I know Joan has a good heart. That's why I'm sure we'll always be friends. B
Happy Shed Dweller's Day! #happyfathersday
10th June Joan and I have known each other for longer than I can remember. We're so in tune, we sometimes even finish each other's . . . B