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Fifty Sheds of Grey
humour london 97,356 followers
If you have any problems that need solving, all you have to do is ask my husband. And he'll ask Louis Van Gaal.
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Thank you @BookeditorJane and @all_that_magic. Maybe you'd care to join me for Three in a Shed . . ? pic.twitter.com/mf2gpqqdfV
When dieting, it's best to eat little and often - so make sure you've always got a family pack of fun-sized Mars bars.
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Diet Fact: A 90 minute game of football can burn up to 200 calories. Even more if you stand up to watch it.
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Science fact: When you eat a kebab, you actually burn more calories than you consume.
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People who push the envelope don't know how to open one.
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Sexual equality will only be achieved when a male pop star marries a female footballer.
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Space is visible from the Great Wall of China.
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Chickens only use 2% of their brains. KFC use the other 98%.
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The fastest orgasm ever recorded was in the gents in Kings Cross station when Mr Colin Grey attempted to dry his penis in the Dyson Airblade
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If everyone in China jumped up and down at exactly the same time, they would win Britain's Got Talent.
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The Caesar Salad was named after Julius Salad.
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The rarest bird of prey is the Chesney Hawk. There is believed to be only one.
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A group of chavs is called a Primark.
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There's a new search engine for finding big-haired 80s pop groups - Kajagoogle.
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Dolphins only look like they're smiling because, according to the latest scientific research, they're a bunch of smug bastards.
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Take a risk today. Tell someone you love them. Or run with scissors.
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You don't need to be afraid what tomorrow will bring. Unless you've been drunk eBaying again.
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Relationships are like playing the piano. Some play by the rules, some play from the heart - and some just bang away as loudly as possible.
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The Cat o' Nine Tails gradually declined in popularity during the 20th century until eventually McDonalds replaced it with the Filet-o-Fish.
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There's a sequel to @50ShedsofGrey!Just when I thought life couldn't get funnier... pic.twitter.com/dxLo04VQzs@PAF22
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To find out your porn name, take the name of your first pet. Then the street you grew up on. Then ask the big hairy guy behind the camera.
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