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Avery Sawyer
If i have not grown enough to bless someone else with my living than i must continue to pray and grow so that my living is not in vain.
There is so much more to share but ive got a book to write. I thank you all for sharing your timelines with me. this needed to happen.
I Pray peace over everyone i come in contact with..
I never feel alone anymore. Even i never speak to some people again i will carry them in my heart everywhere i go.. With Grace
We all have purpose... that is scripture Bible Quran Torah Buddist Laws Hindu beliefs We all have a purpose i this world. #Suicide
I had been trying to change the world and i realize now that the world wasnt what needed changing. I did.
I am thankful for everyone that has ever loved me and everyone who has ever believed in me. You have done something that even i could not
There is so much that i have learned over the past year that i could not begin to put it all in words. But i take it all with grace.
If you have ever lied, ran away from problems, pretended you were someone else. Its ok to love yourself.. you were created with purpose
This is for anyone who has ever wanted to take there own life. Anyone who feels like they dont deserve to be here.. #SuicidePrevention
But this is not abt me.
I will do this for the rest of my life. And i will have peace with myself in all that i do..
So that is why i have written a list. Not of all of my wrongs but of the ones i can fix the ones i rememeber.. i am checking them off
I am no longer ashamed. I am not perfect, i am full of fault and wrong but shame i have none. I am working to right my wrongs.
I couldnt bring myself to speak to one of my closest friends in shame of who i had been.
I decided to trust God and allow him to work through me. Now im not saying im super holy and wild religious but i am saying I know him
I layed everything down and i continued to cry. Then I got up and walked away. I left my bag, i left my hat i literally took only what i had
And i literally felt a presence that was as real as you and I. Immedeately i felt comforted. I felt like someone was physically with me.
It was at that moment that i fell on my face and began sobbing without any shame or control over myself. I became weakest at that moment
Of them all. He keeps all his bones. Not one of them is broken" - Psalms 34:17-20
"The Lord is near to the Broken hearted and crushed in spirit, many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them out...
My mother sent me a prayer at 3:48am. She said i was on her heart so she prayed me peace. Lastily she said something that changed my life
I began to curse God, I began literally curse him and damn him as if he had done some injustice to me. My Vanity was at an all time high
On that night I had chosen to take my own life.. I was going to right the wrongs that i had done by removing myself as a burden to the world
By this time i am on my knees in the grass eyes filled with tears begging God to forgive me for what i was choosing to do.
In typical Avery fashion i tried to play God once again and control that which i had no business controlling in the first place.
So i proceeded to pray and ask God to forgive me for doing his work one last time. I asked him to forgive me for me taking my own life
But God spared my life? Why? Why would you do this God? So many desereve to be here instead of me.
My brother, my best friend was shot in front of me, standing next to me with nothing but peace, love and understanding in his heart
If He knew that i would make a mess of my life why would he allow it. Ive buried some of my closest friends who are golden yet im still here
I quickly stopped the song and began asking God why has he let my do this to myself. Why would he create me with no purpose other than harm
Its like all the things you thought you knew become trivial. They cannot save your life at that moment, they cannot keep you alive
But it is not until i had an honest sincere moment of weakness that no lie, no wrong, no sex, drug, money, & no love but his could heal
Now im not tryna get on some holy roller bs, and ive never been crazy religious but i have always known God.
My sin, oh the bliss of this Glorious thought, my sin not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and i bear it no more.
It is Well, with my Soul
The song says "When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say"
As i said a prayer my headphones clicked the button and began playing that same song my grandmother used to sing..
I decided i no longer wanted to live.. This is the most vulnerable i have been in a long time.
If you have ever had an encounter with suicide you know how real and tangible that feeling is. You know how genuine that spirit is
One night this summer i found myself at 3 am sitting on a park bench praying that God take my life from me. This is not a joke.
This became exhausting.
I found myself running around like a mad man coving myself and fixing the cracks with makeshift fillers and emptiness to cover them up
Theres this song that my grandmother used to sing and i thought i understood it but i had no real idea until my life fell completely apart
The blessings that are taking shape in my life are becoming evident and i realize i am not worthy.. But his grace has seen fit.
I've prayed so long abt some of these things and it is time to trust God and the process of which he hes given me..
They will be done in the order of importance and significance. If i get to anything late it is not late, it is right on time