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J A K E ♛
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I'm off to the store got your wallet? yes you sure? YES *hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Retweeted by J A K E ♛
We gave our all and showed you just how ready we are for next year! We love you guys! 😜#votelogeandness4asbbpic.twitter.com/nbBGy9fV0ww
Retweeted by J A K E ♛
When you're a single mom trying to attract dad ass w your fresh crocs pic.twitter.com/QPlYkU9FPi
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I'm not like these people. I don't like these people.
Retweeted by J A K E ♛
KID: why are ducks called ducks? FATHER: aha, watch this. HEY YOU- [swings baseball bat smashes ducks head in] -you know what, i'm not sure.
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Today is the day, Skyview! 🎉When you're voting today make the right choice and vote for Logan & Janessa! We love you guys! 😘
Retweeted by J A K E ♛
*Earth day; posts video of torturing a spider...* @ZamoraDes
Criticizing pro athletes as if you could do better...
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Don't be McStupid. Come see us in the hallway and vote for us!! pic.twitter.com/FyIgDSmQ9G
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[Dragonfly eggs talking] Egg 1: This is gonna be sweet! Egg 2: Hell yeah! breathing fire & stuff [2 weeks later] Dragonfly: This is bullshit
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[Bus stop] Pregnant lady: Aww, that's a shame [nods at missing cat poster] Me: [eyes narrow] It's in there isn't it? *pointing at her tummy*
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If you hear the following your safety is at risk 1. WORLDSTAR 2. FREE GUCCI 3. SQUAAAAD
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Lazy day. As in I'm too lazy to pick out a lazy outfit so I wore what I normally wear.
"Hey Codey what'd u do this weekend" *flashback to me pouring 100s of packets of jello mix into my pool* I just caught up on some projects
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QUESTION MARK? I SAY WE QUESTION EVERYBODY!
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Rules for my car -No food -I pick the music -Must put this mask on -Feet off dash -Here take this gun -We're robbing a bank -Dont be a pussy
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dude it's in like 2 days... lmao smh
[me training a new employee on how to use the paper shredder] This fuckin robot eats our secrets
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Doctor: I'm afraid we had to stitch baby hands onto your wrists. Me: [petting a hamster that now feels more like a dog comparatively] Sweet.
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Its real nice outside. ☺ 🌞
How do we know you're not a cop? "Uh hello..." *unzips jacket revealing 'I ❤ Crimes' t-shirt* *bad guys look at each other* OK he's legit...
Retweeted by J A K E ♛
*makes it rain Kohl's cash* *white women go fucking nuts*
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So god damn frustrating when studying doesnt pay off at all
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Hate it when Journey comes on during the transfer bus cuz all these kids start singing. 😷😵🔫
vicar: if anyone here knows why these two should not be wed me: wait [everyone gasps] vicar: well me: i thought i was gonna sneeze nevermind
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im gonna join the army "i dont think that's a good idea" why not? [a bee flies between us and i punch myself in the face]
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Teen Jesus: [on phone] IT'S HAPPENED AGAIN Peter: Not Sara too FFS? [cut to Jesus crying next to a puddle of wine with a bra floating in it]
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date] "I didn't know birds could climb trees"
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*password is too weak* *password starts working out* *password enters weightlifting competition*
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*Taps priest on the shoulder* Yo, if god was real would he let me do this? *holds up a cat with 'SWAG' shaved into its fur*
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[sees kid crying in the mall] "What's wrong?" "I'm lost." "You're in the mall you little idiot."
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lmao sounds like something I'd tweet. 💯 twitter.com/SMACKHighID/st…f
"repeat after me" repeat after me "very clever" very clever "look this is your wedding you're ruining not mine" look this is your wedding yo
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therapist: "what's on your mind?" wife: "im tired of all his lies" me: "NAME ONE" wife: "yesterday you said the dog wants a tattoo"
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom] "Now give me my wife." "This is short by £2.39" [hides Mcflurry] "it's all I got."
Retweeted by J A K E ♛