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[son shows me painting]
Son: that's mum, that's me, that's you, that's Mittens-
Me [shaking my head]: you shouldn't have to tell me
Me [takes off pants & exposes my asshole]: take a look in here
Dentist: I'm a dentist
Me: don't worry there's teeth in there
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
We have like 100 T-Shirts but only consistently wear about 6 of them.
Gary: let's hop on other terrain
Head grasshopper: Gary, sit the fuck down & shut the fuck up
The term 'bakers dozen' was first coined back in the early 1900s when Tutankhamen took 5 small shits next to a dying badger.
[at the funeral of Jake in accounting who borrowed my highlighter pen]
Priest: ashes to ashes-
Me [from the back]: where's my fucken pen tho
[date orders spaghetti]
Her: we could share? Like in Lady & The Tramp
Me [with my mouth full] dogs get stuck together when they fuck
hao 2 maek frends:
tel an gerl u luv her n she wil say she onli lieks u az an frend
Maybe it's afraid she'll press charges
The state name "Idaho" is a made-up word that means nothing.
dentist: now you're gonna feel a little pinch
little kid: okay
*dentist pinches him*
dentist: that's for not flossing, you little shit
I Swear Dis Nigga Steve Was Picaso Wit Da Crayon
Me: my wife's pregnant
Me: we're having triplets
Therapist: oh but [looks back over notes] she only got two titties tho
"Maybe I'm just a viscous ass frog," thought the grizzly bear.
"Where were u on the night of the 3rd?"
Stabbing a homeless man.
"Louder for the tape?"
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
This physics book is flawed as shit.
[baby cries in the night]
Wife: go feed the baby
Me: I ain't got no titties tho
Wife [turns light on]: oh shit you ain't got no titties tho
Nurse: it's triplets
Me: but my wife only got two titties tho
Nurse [looks at my wife]: oh shit she only got two titties tho
Mars: Come over
NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away
Mars: I'm wet
NASA: I'm coming over
Leave the damn pope alone godamn 😂�c7
eyebag game on fleek cause i'm tired af
wow. I'm super sad I missed your senior night Jake! I had no idea that was tonight! So proud of you! 😊😊 miss you!!
Good job tonight Jake!! I'm so proud of you😊@18_jjohnson
hey everybody come to my senior night I'll be taking an article of clothing off for every goal I make
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that's why we're here
wife: "what on earth are you doing?"
me: "making a penguin"
wife: "that's a pigeon"
me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"
Rah it was a good 'magic trick' to be fair 😂😂e7L
Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time
EMOTIONAL PATRICK PART 2 😭e
hey guys don't forget to do your reading for ms kerseys over the weekend
"School is so boring"
TRYING TO REACH THE WORD COUNT ON AN ESSAY LIKE vine.co/v/OBTuLTvM53L
[sees ur dog has a slightly bushier tail than my dog]
Me: what is that a fox
My dog: go back to fox land
Me: go work at fox
My dog: ok stop
94% of Canadians are putting away the summer plaid and bringing out the fall plaid
serial killer documentaries n chill
Success is the only option
I don't even get mad anymore. I'm like "oh.. okay. that's cool I guess"
Back to back like I'm Jordan '96, '97.