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J A K E ♛
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Deer: I have a proposal for you Rabbit: I'm all ears Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing Rabbit: That's pretty hurtful Jeff
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Get that music festival experience by throwing cups of urine around your house
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[baby's head falls off] You can just talk out your ass like mummy does.
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head Me: that's a great, floppy little head you've got
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lmao, the stuff i accidentally add to my snapchat story...
[my date bowls a strike 1st attempt] "im so gonna beat you" wanna bet? "hell yeah" £50? "you're on" [the bumper rails come up for my turn]
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could you imagine being a giraffe and having to throw up
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Orange is the new black is such a shitty show. Fuck your gay ass circle jerk.
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"What's for dinner?" Updog & chips. "Does updog have gluten in it?" No..wait..you're supposed to say... "You know I can't have gluten Karen"
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becky? "uh yeah" brent, panthers class of 2000 "no sorry" I asked you to prom "oh brent! how are you" as you can tell I haven't dropped dead
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I was at the local swimming pool, thinking, "I travelled 8 miles to get here, that's not local," so I did a shit in the shallow end & left.
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3/10 to the prank callers joke.
I lost my mind but I've got extra copies.
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gave up so easy. Smh bud.
What I imagine being a girl on Twitter is like. Insert picture of a bunch of hotdogs.
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My story is loud, I hope it scared some of you.
That rt tho. 😂😭😭😭
Music is too loud. 😕
My snapstory is shit. I apologize.
Her: is that a banana in your pocket or- Me: its a banana Her: oh ok Me, worriedly whispering: i don't know where they keep coming from
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Supposedly there was a Tedx conference last January in Boise. I'm pissed.
She brought back two baskets. Lmao, there's only 4 people at the table. Smh.
Eat the entire basket of Texas roadhouse rolls before the waiter can ask what you want to drink so she knows you're not messing around.
"How many vertebrae do they have?" "Dude shut the fuck up."
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[calls boss] "I won't be in. I was up all night reading about giraffes." "What?" "The camel things with the long neck. Ask me anything."
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BREAKING NEWS: dog eats its own dick & spits out balls. 27 yr old owner, Linda Cook, said the dog was hungry for dick but not for balls.
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cop: what you hangin round for kid me: [knowing im meeting dude off twitter who said he'd give me all his backstreet boys CDs] selling drugs
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"Hey nice ride" thanks! "Is it a stick?" no it's a fucken car idiot
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When you're trying to exercise but the Loch Ness Monster can't get enough of your yoga pants... pic.twitter.com/ib4r63JJKa
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"It's 5 o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 4:58
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[hears about Jim's wife passing away] Hey Jim [puts hand on Jim's shoulder] you borrowed my hilighter pen a week ago. That's takin the piss.
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Your nickname should be AB positive because you're a universal receiver
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A cat ran into a door during a French baking show 😂 vine.co/v/MgZ3l1AtnOmv
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[walking dog in park] girl: "awww, he's cute.. whats his name?" dog: "keith" [me and the dog high five]
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"Haha nice" = i would rather be dead than continue this conversation
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