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J A Y K ♛

[first day as tour guide in the Rocky Mountains] Me: watch your step, these are rocky as fuck
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when you're in a public restroom and here someone fiddle with the door
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when you get up in the middle of the night to get food and you hear someone coming
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when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed
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hello 911? my hands are stuck in pringles tubes.. both hands, yes.. look, it's not important how i dialed the number just send help
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911: wutz ur emerguncy jimmy: halp, am bein robbed 911: ur such an tattle tale *hangz up fone*
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gad made rivrs gad made lakes gad made u he made an mistaek rt if u cri evrytiem
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Me [to crying baby]: I'd be up all night crying too if my dick was that small Wife: he's a week old Me: weak old tiny dick having punk
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Interesting fact about babies: they are awful
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One time at school I accidentally called the teacher mum so my dad started fucking her.
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When you beat all the kids at school in yu-gi-oh.
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My last moments with the class of 2016. I was lucky they didn't trample me in their rush to get out the door.
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911: wuts ur emergincy boi: halp mai frend iz dyin 911: ya rite u hav no frendz
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You're welcome for blessing your day with Becky's snapchat story 🍑
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HE KILLED IT. THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE!!!! 🔥�14
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Why would he keep the drill going knowing her hair was stuck 😂😭KPf
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Dr: we aren't gonna be able to put you back together Humpty Dumpty: tell my wife- Dr: I'm having an omelette & telling nobody fucken nothing
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Sad blue horse: why do bad things happen in the world? Makes me sad Winnie the bear: look how big ur dick is. How r u this fucken miserable
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[at the funeral of Jake in accounting who borrowed my highlighter pen] Priest: ashes to ashes- Me [from the back]: where's my fucken pen tho
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[1st date] Her: do you have any kids? Me: I don't believe in kids Her: I have a son. He absolutely loves wrestling Me: I would kick his ass
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Me: why the long face Horse: thats the length of my face Me: no its a joke, like u look sad Horse: dude my dick is longer than ur leg I'm ok
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Son [in tears]: dad? Am I adopted? Me [lowering newspaper]: of course not [slowly brings newspaper back up] nobody would choose to have you
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Vote @David_Matt4Prez. When @IsaacandTy4Prez were in my class, they bullied me for being bald. #saynotobullying #voteSlemmerZamora
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Don't know how to pull out but I know how to pull up. Your bitch hops in and it's a one way Uber ride to poundtown
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In high school, I told my parents I wanted to go on Spring Break and they shipped me off to Nam
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Betsy popped a xan and now she wildn out lmao
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Just wanted to post this picture of my grandson billys new girlfriend shes a keeper
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Stress level: Drake and Josh at the sushi conveyer belt.
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どっちがちぎりパンか分からない。 #?????????????
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Just popped a molly hide yo grandma
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[parole hearing] "What will u do if released?" "Kill everyone on the jury." "What?" "Buy everyone jewellery." "Aw. Granted."
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Gonna open a dolphin friendly waterpark where we only kill some of the dolphins. The shitty ones that are bad swimmers or do bad tricks.
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when someone says that charcoal is better than propane
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Me: I have this dream where I'm running through- Therapist: running? [leans forward & prods my stomach] I fucken doubt that very much
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[at the witch supply store] Me: you got brooms? Clerk: yeah we got lots of brooms Me [pointing to a shit I just did]: good, sweep that up
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When your little sister is dope as hell at parkour
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Snapchat with the 50mb "bug fixes" update. Wtf
[woman stops my pregnant wife & I] Her: when are you due? Wife: middle of may Her: what are you having? Me: a fucken baby
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Do car crashes usually involve wizards?
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⚠️make this happen ⚠️ just a simple retweet is needed 🙏�RN
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