[first day as tour guide in the Rocky Mountains]
Me: watch your step, these are rocky as fuck
when you're in a public restroom and here someone fiddle with the door
when you get up in the middle of the night to get food and you hear someone coming
when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed
hello 911? my hands are stuck in pringles tubes.. both hands, yes.. look, it's not important how i dialed the number just send help
911: wutz ur emerguncy
jimmy: halp, am bein robbed
911: ur such an tattle tale
*hangz up fone*
gad made rivrs
gad made lakes
gad made u
he made an mistaek
rt if u cri evrytiem
Me [to crying baby]: I'd be up all night crying too if my dick was that small
Wife: he's a week old
Me: weak old tiny dick having punk
Interesting fact about babies: they are awful
One time at school I accidentally called the teacher mum so my dad started fucking her.
When you beat all the kids at school in yu-gi-oh.
My last moments with the class of 2016. I was lucky they didn't trample me in their rush to get out the door.
911: wuts ur emergincy
boi: halp mai frend iz dyin
911: ya rite u hav no frendz
You're welcome for blessing your day with Becky's snapchat story 🍑
HE KILLED IT. THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE!!!! 🔥�14
Why would he keep the drill going knowing her hair was stuck 😂😭KPf
Dr: we aren't gonna be able to put you back together
Humpty Dumpty: tell my wife-
Dr: I'm having an omelette & telling nobody fucken nothing
Fucken broccoli thief vine.co/v/iQWHwg6Vn13
Sad blue horse: why do bad things happen in the world? Makes me sad
Winnie the bear: look how big ur dick is. How r u this fucken miserable
[at the funeral of Jake in accounting who borrowed my highlighter pen]
Priest: ashes to ashes-
Me [from the back]: where's my fucken pen tho
Her: do you have any kids?
Me: I don't believe in kids
Her: I have a son. He absolutely loves wrestling
Me: I would kick his ass
Me: why the long face
Horse: thats the length of my face
Me: no its a joke, like u look sad
Horse: dude my dick is longer than ur leg I'm ok
Son [in tears]: dad? Am I adopted?
Me [lowering newspaper]: of course not [slowly brings newspaper back up] nobody would choose to have you
. When @IsaacandTy4Prez were in my class, they bullied me for being bald. #saynotobullying #voteSlemmerZamora
Don't know how to pull out but I know how to pull up. Your bitch hops in and it's a one way Uber ride to poundtown
In high school, I told my parents I wanted to go on Spring Break and they shipped me off to Nam
Betsy popped a xan and now she wildn out lmao
Just wanted to post this picture of my grandson billys new girlfriend shes a keeper
Stress level: Drake and Josh at the sushi conveyer belt.
Just popped a molly hide yo grandma
"What will u do if released?"
"Kill everyone on the jury."
"Buy everyone jewellery."
Gonna open a dolphin friendly waterpark where we only kill some of the dolphins. The shitty ones that are bad swimmers or do bad tricks.
COACHELLA IN 1941 LOOKED LIT
talking about religion and @Andy_jaimes1
What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? vine.co/v/iwlvHuhFIir
when someone says that charcoal is better than propane
Me: I have this dream where I'm running through-
Therapist: running? [leans forward & prods my stomach] I fucken doubt that very much
[at the witch supply store]
Me: you got brooms?
Clerk: yeah we got lots of brooms
Me [pointing to a shit I just did]: good, sweep that up
When your little sister is dope as hell at parkour
Snapchat with the 50mb "bug fixes" update. Wtf
[woman stops my pregnant wife & I]
Her: when are you due?
Wife: middle of may
Her: what are you having?
Me: a fucken baby
Do car crashes usually involve wizards?
⚠️make this happen ⚠️ just a simple retweet is needed 🙏�RN