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J A K E ♛
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So I found a forklift with the keys in it, and long story short, I own a Redbox DVD kiosk.
Retweeted by J A K E ♛
[dangling keys in front of a baby] Baby: lol who the fuck drives a pt cruiser
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Wanna feel old? 1990 was 40 years ago.
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My uncle Terry always carries a yoyo with him. We call him Terry the pig fucker cos aside from the yoyo, there was this thing with a pig.
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The senior pranks is that there isn't one. They got us good.
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[pigs bday party] Winnie the bear: let's play pin the tail on the donkey The donkey sobbing: please no more Winnie: shut your fucken mouth
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Has anyone finished oberts packet thing?
Sorry I didn't text you back. I saw the text. It's just, I didn't want to see it.
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"Sometimes it’s easier without saying goodbye."
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"$5 says I can dunk that beehive" -Tyler 1990-2015
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Wife inspecting moat: why would you/ Me: fish pond. Fuck off.
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden? Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.
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Hey you can still poke people on Facebook like it's 2001 or some shit - so fucking retro
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on the bright side this is the last monday of the school year😊
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He's bigger, faster, and stronger too! He's the next member of the D.K. crew! 🎶DONKEY KONG🎶
Search History: - is big bird married? - nude pics big bird - man and Bird sex Y/N - IS BIG BIRD BOY OR GIRL?? - how to destroy a hard drive
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[Storms into Bitcoin HQ] Me: *Fires a warning shot* PUT ALL THE MONEY IN THE GOD DAMN BAG Clerk: OK, take it easy [Mario coin sound effects]
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Me: Is turquoise blue or green? Doctor: Didn't you hear me? I said u have a week to live Me: Damn. That means I only have 7 days to find out
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"Kids, I don't know how to break this to you..." "Wait... Come outside for a second." *scrapes Grandma sticker off minivan*
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[drops son off for first day of school] Teacher: ok, Mr Hughes, you can pick him up at 3pm Me flipping teacher off: no fucken way
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"You okay?" "I feel weak as a kitten today" *Buff as hell kitten storms up wearing a Tapout shirt* "THE FUCK YOU SAY?" I..just..nothing.
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[soldier dying in my arms] "Do me one last favour? Give this watch to my son & tell him I love him." "Easy, fella. That's two favours."
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. @hillskid21 PARTY AT SERVAHNS HOUSE! 🏡 🎉 🎊
"Noah, build me an--" "God! Ma man, sup?" [sighs] "Build me an ar--" "Still on for Friday?" "Friday?" "The pool party." "Oh yeah. Kind of."
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[me narrating a documentary about frogs] *slow motion video of a frog gracefully leaping as classical music plays* "Bug eyed little fucker."
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Anytime I say I feel bad for someone, I really don't feel bad at all.
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I've never guessed so much on a test before. 😂😕
The seniors are graduating not dying, let's ease up.
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I can't wait to take the ACS. 😑😭
Ted: Rick we took a vote. You're out of the yacht club. Rick: [glances back at his new yacht Little Buoy Lover] why?
Retweeted by J A K E ♛